Still no results

I've been (im)patiently waiting for my progesterone test results since Monday. I finally decided last night though, that it doesn't really matter what the result is. I'll either get my period this weekend or I won't. I haven't even seriously considered taking a pregnancy test this month. It just doesn't matter. What's done is done, and know amount of testing is going to change the result.

We may be done with TTC sooner rather than later. I think we can do one more cycle and then we have to give our bank account a rest. We've basically have done 10 cycles of fertility treatments in the last year and a half. We, and our wallets need a break...like maybe for a year or more. We've talked about taking out some money from my retirement account, but I just really don't think that is a good idea. I've always been of the mentality not to "force" anything, if it's meant to be it will work itself out. I feel like I'm already sort of "forcing" a pregnancy by doing all these meds and IUI's but I think that is the farthest I can take it. I don't think I can go to IVF - I know our wallets won't be able to handle it for quite a while.

The idea of finally getting pregnant and being in debt is just not appealing to me at all. I know kids are expensive - although, I think they'll be cheaper per month than this treatment is!

So, yes, while I am still checking my phone multiple times a day for a call from the doctors office, it really doesn't matter that much. I called yesterday and left a message about my results, but I'm not even going to bother today.

If my math is right AF should be here on Saturday. Yippy skippy!

Hope or no hope? Tomorrow will decide.

After doing some research I've found that I could have one of two types of cysts. One is a follicular cyst, which means my egg didn't release and the follicle just kept growing. Or I could have a corpus luteum cyst which means I did ovulate, but the part where the egg broke through sealed back up and continued to be filled with fluid.

I'm hoping for number two.

Tomorrow I'm having my blood drawn to check my progesterone. It will tell me if I ovulated. (doc even said I could have ovulated from another follicle that he didn't see - doubt it). Hopefully he'll call me tomorrow evening with the results.

So far, these last 5ish days I haven't stressed about this cycle at all. Knowing that I possibly didn't ovulate just kind of makes me roll my eyes and think, big surprise, my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do.

Good news for me, and something I'm actually looking forward to, is to see how this year ends. I figure I will either a) be pregnant, or b) we will have exhausted all our IUI attempts and we'll be done trying to conceive.

No way we can afford IVF. Maybe in a year or two of saving. As it is, we can barely afford what we are doing now. So when we're done with IUI's then we're done. Doc said we'll do up to six. This one was number three...so three more to go.

I could be getting a cyster!

Yes, it's true. Looks like I'm developing a cyst. I did not ovulate, and my follicle is bigger than it was last Saturday. It should be smaller since the egg was supposed to release and the follicle would be shrinking. Nope.

The doc said the u/s is not an exact science and the progestone test that I'll take on Monday should tell him more. He did say "there is a silver lining to this black cloud..." that he's occasionally had patients who ovulated another egg that he didn't see and they've become pregnant.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I'm not getting my hopes up on that scenario!

So Monday, we'll know more, but while we were chatting in his office he was already talking about the changes he'll make to my dosages next cycle.

I'm so scared that he'll have to use that torture device on me again on my next IUI. No point in stressing about that now I guess.

To be continued...

Word of the day: Tenaculum

Wow. Ouch, like MEGA ouch!

No words can describe how utterly painful my IUI was today. There has been nothing worse in my life that I can remember.

Once again, I sat in the waiting room for a while and then was brought back to my room and sat half naked on the table for a good half hour. I think by the time the procedure started it was an hour after my appointment time. Ugg.

Procedure starts as normal...then...he has trouble getting the catheter into my cervix. he tried for a while and then asked for a tenaculum. I'm thinking "uh, oh, that doesn't sound pleasant." Well, bingo! I was right. He said I'd feel a "little" pinch. BS! I about flew off the table! After that was in and he asked for the dialator. I pretty much don't remember much. I was laying there with tears coming down my face thinking "what the hell am I doing here? Am I trying too hard? Is there such a thing?" I don't know how you other ladies do it who have been through this and worse. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end, but man oh man, it is hard to keep my eye on the prize.

Oh and if you're curious - google it. Make sure you google "tenaculum cervix" - it makes a difference.

I go back on Thursday for ANOTHER ultrasound to make sure my follie burst, then progestone test next Monday.

I'm popping some pain meds and hitting the couch. Later!

Crazy dream!

I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a baby in my bathroom all by myself. I went outside my house and found my dad and my brother out there and was waving at them to come in - I was going to show off my baby.

My dad came in and I was asking him what looked different as I rubbed my empty belly. He said something like "Wow, congratulations, you finally got pregnant". I was like "No, dad. I already gave birth." I told him to wait there and I'd bring the baby out.

I could not find the baby for the life of me!

I searched the whole house and went through piles of stuff and my old dolls and I could not find the baby. I was really freaking out that maybe I was losing my mind. I went back and check the bathroom to see if the "evidence" of child birth was still there. It wasn't. So then I really thought I was crazy.

I went outside and walked from end to end of this knee-high swamp. On my way back somebody told me that my mother was at the house. When I got back there she was sitting outside at a patio table having coffee with someone...next to a stroller.

I went up to her and asked if she found my baby and she said yes. She pulled back a blanket and there he was. And he had the hair and the sideburns of Elvis.

Ya, told you it was crazy. But I can't get that sick/panic feeling to go away now that I'm awake. I hate creepy dreams like that. (Maybe it's the hormones. I got my hcg injection a couple of hours before I went to bed)

And 'round and 'round we go!

My appointment was at 11am...at 12:23, I was finally brought back to my room.

I had my u/s. One is basically ready to go. I'll have my hcg injection tonight at 10pm and them Monday afternoon we'll do IUI #3.

I asked Dr. M about the injections being worth it since Femara was producing one follicle too. He said if we have to do this again, we'll up the injection dosage. I guess that means I need to send my prescription off to Italy to be filled. And I need to prepare my wallet to be $600 lighter. Ugh.

He said the reason we don't jump right into doing a higher dosage is because he doesn't want us to be forced to do an IVF cycle with all the extra eggs.

More good news though, his office only charges for 3 ultrasounds a month, so today was free! Yay! That's a $80 savings.

Well, here we go again, another 2ww is quickly approaching. Where we'll stop? Only God knows...

Tonight's appt canceled

I got a call about 10 mins before my appt that Dr. M is delivering a baby and had another one to deliver after, so they canceled.

I am rescheduled for tomorrow morning.

Stay tuned...

9 days of injections, and...

...we're making progress.

I went in for my u/s today and I have one follie at 16mm on the left and a little smaller one on the right. I'm to continue to alternate between single and double doses for the next two days. I'm to start taking the ovulation tests tomorrow morning. I go back in for another u/s on Friday.

I didn't have much time to talk to the doc because he was getting ready to leave to deliver a baby, but I wanted to ask him about what makes me taking these injections different from what I was doing before with just the femara? I mean if I only have one ready to go, the femara was doing the same thing, so are the injections a waste of time and money? I'm going to bring it up on Friday if I don't end up with two follies. We should either up the injections or just stick to the Femara...we'll see.

Dr. M is either still playing catch up from his vacation or he is just really swamped lately. They had to cancel the rest of the appointments today (I barely got in actually). Tomorrow I heard them saying they had appointments scheduled until 8PM!! Anyway, I don't even know when my appointment is, but she told me to be there at 5:30 and bring a book. Yipee...

Lastly...he gave me a prescription for more Fostimon...30 more to be exact. He gave me some info to use a mail in pharmacy - in Italy. He said it is the cheapest place to get that drug (and the drug is European) I have to mail them my prescription and I can use a credit card online. I'm going to google it and see what I can find out about it. His office have been using them since at least 2006, so they can't be too bad.

OH! And someone screwed up my prescription for the syringes and filter needles. I have two refills on the syringes, and zero on the filter needles. Either the pharmacy screwed up or Dr. M forgot to put refills on the filter needles. Nice. I called and left his office a message. I just hope the pharmacy has them in stock because tonight is my last set of needles. Ugh.

Anway, I'll update you as usual :0)

Follicle check appt.

No good news to report.

I told Dr. M that I had spotting on Friday afternoon for a few hours. I think he's exact words were, "That's strange". Nice, eh?

I had the ultrasound and there are lots of little follicles starting but nothing even close to being big. The solution? 4 more days of injections **whaaaaa!** This time we are doing a double dose every other day. I go back on Wednesday for another ultrasound. Yippee, skippy.

This cycle has to work or I might explode.

I came home from my appointment about 10am. I took a nap from 10:30-2:30pm. I'm crabby today. I'm trying not to be, but I am. I just snapped at Hubby for nothing and now he doesn't want to talk to me...I totally understand. He can't win with me lately. I'm always annoyed by something. I know he can't wait for this to all be over too. Poor guy.

10 things I hate about infertility

**in no particular order**

10) Wacky hormones
9)Emotional roller coasters
8) having no control
7) the emotional and physical pain
6) the financial burden
5) having no guarantees
4) lack of understanding/support from fertiles
3) the strain on relationships with family, friends and spouse
2) lack of support from fertiles
1) everyone thinking they have the "secret" to getting pregnant

I have thought that if I just tell everyone about our fertility issues and our treatment it would be easier than lying about when we are having kids and why we don't have them already and do we even want kids. I'm finding though that telling people about my fertility struggles makes them feel like they need to dish out advice. It is so friggin' annoying. I don't understand why when I tell someone I don't ovulate on my own that they think relaxing and taking a vacation and stop "trying" and it will happen. Since when did they become experts? And why do people think it's funny to joke about taking their kids? No, I do not want YOUR kids. I want my own. If I wanted someone else's kids I'd adopt. And yes, adoption is good for some, but not all. And no, I don't need to start to try to adopt and then I'll get pregnant. Ugh. I'm so sick of all this bull shit. Please, oh please God, let this cycle be the one!! My sanity can't take much more.

Doggy update

There's good news and bad news.

The bad - it is for sure his back that is causing him the pain.

Good news - he is not bad enough for surgery (yet). He was prescribed pain meds, steroids and muscle relaxers. We'll see how he's doing in the next couple of days.

Poor little guy :0(

**Wally is the choc/tan longhaired dachshund in the pics on the right**

What a pain in the butt...literally!

Holy cow! Ouch. My husband is a trooper for injecting me, but he is no nurse! I feel really bad complaining about his skill and the pain, because I know he feels really bad and would rather have the injection himself than give it to me, but ouch!

Injections started yesterday. I raced home from work to catch him before he left for work and I got my first one. It wasn't SO bad, it definitely was a good pinch and some burning from the meds, but all-in-all, not too bad.

We decided to have him give me the rest of the injections this week before he goes to bed (between 3-5am). So I got the second one this morning. About 3:30 he comes in and turns on some lights, I roll onto my tummy and bury my face in the mattress, he swabs my cheek with the alcohol wipe grabs a hunk and wham! jabs the needle in. I wanted to fly off the bed. It hurt so bad! I tried to keep quiet but even the needle was moving while it was injected the meds. I think I was saying "ow, ow, ow, ow...." over and over again until he was done. Needless to say I had a hard time falling back to sleep (I didn't even originally fall asleep until at least midnight if not later). My alarm starting going off at 6:30. I wanted to cry.

Today both cheeks are sore, I've been having hot flashes already (but that could be from the Femara too). From what I could find online most women feel sick on these meds. Great...I can't wait...

To top it all off this morning, my little Wally dog is in bad shape. He had back surgery about a year and a half ago because he has a few herniated discs. The odds of it reoccurring are like 2% or less...well I think it might be back. Last weekend he was whining a limping around but he got better the next day. Last night he was running around fine and we put him in his crate while we watched a movie and when we let him out he was walking but whining. This morning he can barely walk 10ft at a time before laying down. If I pick him up he cries. I made him a vet appt this morning. I'm bringing him in at 1pm this afternoon. There is no way we could afford another surgery, so if it's his back, hopefully some steroids or a little doggy wheelchair will work for him. Poor little guy.

I'll keep you all posted. Happy Hump Day!!

The needle lesson

All in all it went well.

Unfortunately, I had to be a guinea pig and let them poke me :0(

The nurse walked through each step with us, most steps were pretty obvious or similar to preparing the HCG injection. The only big difference was snapping off the glass top on the saline this time. But it was the same when drawing up the saline, injecting it into the powder vial, then drawing that back up, switching needles (from the filter needle to the one that goes in me). Then knock out and push out the air from the syringe and viola! Ready to go.

I had to lay on my stomach on the table, get my pants pulled down, lift up one leg (w/o bending the knee) so hubby could see where my butt muscle was and she showed him how to grab a hunk of my cheek and as I hear her saying something about using your arm not your wrist to insert the needle I remember asking twice if I was going to get poked. She wouldn't answer me and then Hubby said no. Just after he said no, I got poked. Dang it. Ya, I don't like needles, and ya, I can't watch them prepare it without getting the heebie jeebies, but I'd like to know if I'm going to get stabbed or not. Geesh! (side note: it was only saline that she injected me with.)

It wasn't all bad, and my fear of needles is not about the pain, because MOST of the time it doesn't hurt, but it's just the anticipation and knowing there was something penetrating my skin, etc. I can't explain it, but even now, just typing about it, the hair on my neck is raising.

Anywho, we were sent home with our drugs, I stopped at the pharmacy and picked up my needles and alcohol wipes, and off we went. Tonight is the first of five nights of injections. THANKFULLY it is only one per night :0)

On Saturday, I will get my last injection and go in and see Dr. M and have an u/s to see where we are...

I'll keep y'all posted!

Today started with a bang! (sans fireworks)

I had my u/s this morning. And whaduya know...my reproductive system isn't doing jack...It came as no surprise to the doctor and I, but he had to see what was going on before breaking out the prescription pad. After the "wanding" I got dressed and met him in his office.

My last post I was SHOCKED that Dr. M had taken the initiative to call me, but today surprised me more....

He actually started suggesting ways to modify what we're doing so I could get knocked up faster. Go figure! He asked me how I felt about continuing the Femara (7.5mg) and adding injectables. As soon as he said the "I" word, I kind of cringed. I HATE NEEDLES. Thankfully though, these injectables are one a day for only 5 days. AND thankfully, I don't have to go to the pharmacy to get them. Apparently, when his patients get knocked up, he offers to take back their meds and sell them for the patients. So I got my drugs for only $10 a dose instead of $20. I had to buy 7, because that was what was left in the box, but ya, whateva! It was cheaper than I thought.

ANOTHER bonus, it he wants me to start right away - no waiting for Provera and starting my period (which surprised me). Ideally today, but all the pharmacies in the area are closed for the holiday. My pharmacy opens back up tomorrow, so I'll head in there with my Rx for Femara, and to see if they've got some needles.

Monday, Hubby and I are going in so he can learn how to inject me. Unfortunately, I'll have to watch and pay attention - which I don't like to do because, like I said, I hate needles. I don't even like to look at them. But, I want to make sure Hubs pays attention :0)

So, tomorrow I'll start Femara, Tuesday I'll start the Fostimon - each for 5 days. On the last day of the shots I got in for an ultrasound and see what's going on. He said we are ideally hoping for 2-6 follicles!!! I know doctors don't WANT multiples, because it is a more difficult pregnancy and delivery, but I would LOVE it if we could have twins. Then we'd be done! We're are even considering being done with one - if it ever happens...but I'm not counting my chickens yet. One step at a time!

Anywho, I'm very very pleased with my appointment today. Now I'm off to Google whatever I can find about Fostimon...I know nothing about it. If anyone has any experience with this drug, please let me know how you felt on it or if it worked for you, etc.

Happy 4th of July all! Have a safe and fun night!

Time to start the vitamins again!!!

I got a phone call at 7:45 this morning from DR. M!!!! I was so shocked! I heard my phone ring and what trying to think of who the heck would be calling so early, and it was him. I did a double take when I saw it on my caller ID.

He asked if I got my period, and I said yes. He asked me when, etc., and of course I'm driving to work and not looking at my calendar so I had to think really hard when day one wasy. I haven't been paying attention since it didn't matter this time, but I looked at my calendar when I got to work and I had guessed right :0). Then he said, we'll you'd ovulated (which he had never called to tell me the results of my progesterone blood draw, so that was nice to hear), and he said the sperm had looked good. He also said, since I'm not going to ovulate on my own there's no reason to waste time. He asked me to come in on Saturday for an u/s so we can get going again. I am so freakin' happy! I'm majorly shocked that HE had the initiative to call ME!!

I was totally expecting to call on Monday and maybe hear back from him Wednesday...blah, blah, blah, and drag this whole thing out. I'm a very happy camper right now. This was such a blessing to get good news this morning. I was having a bad night the night before since I found out one of my cousins is pregnant. She is the youngest of three girls and both of her older sisters have had babies and they aren't married and not even with the baby-daddy anymore. I was so frustrated and pissed and did the whole "why me" cry session. After I cried it all out I felt better.

My first thought when I read about her pregnancy on her mysp.ace and fa.cebook page was, "Wow, her parents must be so proud to raise three daughters and have them all knocked up without being married or even still with the fathers". Granted, the currently pregnant one is still with her bf, and they have the possibility of getting married (unlike the other two), but still. Here I sit in my OWN home, with an SUV, and a HUSBAND, and a yard and a park only three hosues away. I have the total set up and I'M the childless one?! Go figure. Life is definitely not fair sometimes.

Hubby had told me a story last night about a father (I don't know in what state), who completely abused the safe haven law by dropping off his NINE CHILDREN at a church or something. That law was meant for infants less than 30 days old and his kids ranged from 17 yrs to like 3 yrs or something - and NOW he's with a girlfriend who is pregnant with TWINS!!! Why is this man allowed to have 11 children he doesn't want and us infertiles don't even get one!! What the H???

Okay, enough ranting, this was supposed to be a happy post. Ooh, there goes my reminder to take my vitamin, here we go!

Hopefully only 5 more days of waiting.

Monday is only 5 more days away, it can't come soon enough.

That's all. I'm just thinking of the countdown to getting going with cycle 6,783...or at least it feels that way.