Funky

Well, here we are December 7. I can hardly believe it. It does not feel like Christmastime. I've been baking cookies, buying gifts, listening to holiday music and decorating the house, and yet, I still am not in the mood.

Christmas is very weird this year. The weather been mild and mostly sunny. My brother is heading off to Alaska for 3 months on the 19th. So for my side of the family, our Christmas will happen next week. My mom is also heading out of town for a few days right before Christmas, so our extended family Christmas party will be happening early this year (next weekend). Then since my husbands parents are divorced we get to celebrate with both of them separately. They were already separated when I met my husband, so I'm used to them not being together, but even after all these years, I think my husband still finds it odd during the holidays. It makes me sad, because he says he never even saw them fight while he was growing up, so their separation and divorce was kind of a shocker.

Me on the other hand grew up with my parents fighting constantly, and many times they separated and threatened divorce. Now, not only are they still together, but they are stronger than ever. Strange how life works.

Anyway, back to my point. The reason I brought it up is because every year around the holidays there is always all this drama between the two of us on our schedule of who we visit when. It is no fun.

So, with all of that on top of this IF crap, I'm not feeling very Christmassy. This last week has been especially bad for me. I don't know if it is PMS, or what. On Thursday night I had a breakdown. I got home from work and I was instantly pissed off...for no particular reason. I was really snippy and finally at 9pm I decided to call it quits and go to bed. I was miserable and I was making A. miserable. I went to bed and just started sobbing.

I've always known that God is in control of my life, and when I need direction or help or whatever that I need to send it up and ask for guidance. I also know that I need to be thankful for things I have and even trials that I go through. The trials part is hard for me. So during my sobs I was praying to God that I was sorry I can't be thankful for all this IF stuff. I am trying and it's not working. So I asked for patients, and I asked that He be patient with me while I try to get my mind straight.

I have no spiritual support from my family or husband. For about three years I was really consistently going to church and I even attended a 1 year bible school. That was a good time in my life. I feel like now that things are seemingly falling about for me, I need to go back to church. I can't support myself alone. I need to surround myself with good Christian people. That is not to say that my family are not Christians or not good people. I just need to go to a place where I can talk freely and openly about God and have people understand or relate. I can't do that at home.

On top of all my frustration with IF, I am really really not happy with my job. I keep going through these phases. I have topped out at my office, there is not where for me to go. I can't see myself in the same position forever. I feel like all I do is get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, get up, go to work...and around and around I go. I have no hobbies, or activities that I do. My husband is gone all week long at work. I don't see him for any amount of time generally until the weekend.

I also feel like a failure. I am having a really really hard time getting started on my exercise routine. I have no excuse. I have a ton of work out equipment set up in the garage. I have exercise videos. I have three dogs that would love to go on walks, AND we have a park four houses away. Then I get pissed because if I would lose some weight I could probably improve my fertility. Ugh.

So, that is why I sobbed. It was a pity party. I ended up getting out of bed and asking my hubby to come and lay down so I could cuddle with him. We talked and he has the same frustrations with work and IF, but he is just not as emotional about it.

There are a few other things that I could rant about, but I'll save that for another time. Dinner is almost ready.

I hope you all have a great week. Two more work weeks until my two week vacation!!! Yahoo!