CD4

Yep, so tomorrow is the day that I am SUPPOSED to start Femara. But NoooOOOooo, I can't because of my frickin dumass, stupid jerk of a doctor. Bitter? Noo....well, yes actually.


This failed cycle and the whole doctor situation has me really ticked. Normally I can get over the negative test by now because I'd be moving on to the next cycle, but not this time. I get to wallow in my failure for the next 4-5 weeks *yipee*. As I wrote on Tuesday, I didn't go to work. I was really bummed, depressed, angry, sad, you name it...and not much has improved....

...and what do I do to make myself feel better? Eat. Yep, ice cream, popcorn, pasta, fast food, chocloate - gee, and how did I get overweight?

Ugh, I'm just depressed. I feel like this nightmare will never end. Ya, I've only been doing "fertility treatment" since November '07, but we've been "trying" since August 2005. We got married in July of that year. In a little less than three weeks, we'll be having our FOUR YEAR anniversary. That is a long time in TTC years (I think TTC years are like dog years).

I have no patience. That is no secret. I am one of those who like instant gratification. Well, I am sooooo not getting that from TTC. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes, literally, my heart hurts. I get so upset my heart aches. Towards the end of last week when I would think about how close I was to getting AF or getting a positive test, my heart was thundering in my chest. I told my hubby several times about the anxiety. I would rub my chest and make myself take deep breaths. Seriously, I'm sick of this crap. It's not healthy. All these drugs pumping into my system. My psycho hormones are all over the place. I need balance.

But what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't make the swimmers meet the egg. I can't do anything but take drugs and wait.

Some of you have asked if I am searching out other doctors. The answer is no. Yes this guy's office is NOT professional. Yes, he is a poor business manager. BUT, I think he is a good doctor. I think he knows his stuff. He may not be the most socially comfortable person I have met in my life, but talking doesn't get me knocked up. Besides, he is the only one in town. I tried the commuting thing and it is really really hard, not only on me, but I had to take a lot of time off of work.

You probably won't hear from me for a while. I don't/won't have anything to blog about other than my poor attitute and my lack of faith that things will work out, and I think I have done that enough in the last few posts.

Ciao, for now!