...they'd be aimed right at me.
Five days have passed since I started taking the OPK's. Per my doctors directions, if I had not gotten a positive, then I was supposed to come in and have another ultrasound to see how things are progressing...or in my case, not progressing.
Let me give you a breakdown of my appointment.
-Appointment time 5:15
-I show up about 4:55, I knew I'd be early, so I brought a book
-5:25, I'm brought back to the exam room
-22 minutes later the doc finally comes in
-Right after he walks in he leaves again, leaving the nurse and I. She explains to me he had to talk to the guy in the next room who was cleaning and tell him to only remove the garbage in that room and don't use any chemicals to clean, because there are embryos in there and they don't want anything interfering.I was impressed, I wouldn't have thought of that.
-Finally my ultrasound. Nada, zip, zilch, nothin'. Well, I take that back. I have quite a few little follicles, but nothing even close to maturing.
-As they doc and nurse are wrapping up the ultrasound, my cell phone rings, it's hubby, I can tell by the ring. At the same time, the doc's pager goes off. We both sort of laughed at the timing.
-I get dressed and meet the doc in his office.
-I hesitate to walk in because I see he's on his phone. He sees me and waves me in. I'm assuming he's talking to the person who paged him.
-He gets off the phone and starts looking at the ultrasound pics and starts taking notes. He desk phone rings. He picks it up and it's the person he just got off the phone with. They have about a two sentence conversation and he hangs up.Back to my chart...still nothing is said to me.
-Finally, he says that he's already thinking how to tackle my next cycle. He's pretty sure this one is going to be a bust. There are no follicles close to being mature. He wants me to come back in 5 days (Sunday) and have another ultrasound just to make sure nothing is going on. Assuming that nothing is going to progress he said he'll have to induce my period and decide whether to have me take more Femara plus injectables, or just injectables. He pencils me in for 10am on Sunday and I leave.
So I get in the car and call Hubby to fill him in. He answers, "Give me some good news!"
I say, "There is no good news to be had"
He's quiet
I fill him in on what happened...or didn't happen.
He's quiet
I say "hello?" a few times to make sure he's still there.
He says "At what point do we call it quits?"
I say "Oh honey, we aren't even close! We haven't even started injectables yet."
Silence
More silence
Finally he says "I don't really feel like talking so I'm going to go."
Nice.
We hang up.
Up to that point I felt pretty numb about the appointment. I wasn't happy obviously. I wasn't sad, mad or depressed. But after getting off the phone I was pissed. I hate it when I go through all this crap and he's the one who doesn't want to talk!! Does he realize he is the only real live person I can talk about this with??? I mean, you guys are my best friends when it comes to this fertility crap. I have no one in real life that knows what I'm going through. I take that back. There is a woman at work who is going through similar stuff, but we don't get to talk hardly at all. I don't have my mom to talk to. She finds this stuff depressing so she doesn't read my blog or ever ask me how things are going. Gee, thanks mom. So other than pounding my thoughts/experiences on the keyboard and reading your blogs, I got nothin. You'd think I could at least have my husband.
Well, I'm going to go and bury my nose in a book so I don't have to think about my life and I can read about someone else's.
I'll give you and update Sunday when I find out what my next steps are.
4 comments:
Oh I totally feel for you when you just know know one understands and the hubby gives the " I dont wanna talk" or " Be patient!" ( a favorite of my DH) and you just wanna punch them ! I dont mean that literally of course but you know!
Just wanted you to know your not alone! Thinking of you!
Not sure how you'll feel about this, but here's some advice that my husband gave me once: "Men are not mind readers."
I'll write my own blog post about it, but the big thing is that he needs to know he's your outlet for frustration. Whether he wants to talk about it or not, you NEED to, so his job is to shut up, sit down, and listen...just like you do every time he blathers on about something that sounds an awful lot like a foreign language to you. Ok, well, maybe I'm projecting some of my own issues, but I think you get the point. :)
Whatever it is, tell him. If he doesn't feel like talking, tell him he doesn't have to - he just needs to listen. It could help!
That's what we're hear for. Hubby never liked to talk about it as much as I did. I need a place to vent... hence the blog. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I'm sorry for the not so great news at the drs. Grr.
~~HUGS~~
So sorry to hear about your appointment - sounds like you were taking it pretty well until the convo with DH.
I guess my only advice here would be that you're right, your husband is the only person you can truly talk about this with - the only person who is truly in the same boat as you right now. That's a special place to be, but it's also pretty difficult too.
I am learning that IF is like any other marital struggle (and it really is a marital struggle) - sometimes one person has to step up to the plate and let the other person be weak in hopes that there will be a role reversal when needed.
I also think that men just want to solve, solve, solve. They don't understand that this whole thing is a process, and they just want it to be over. I know my husband fantasizes about the day that we aren't dealing with this anymore - and of course, so do I.
Hang in there - I hope you all were able to come together tonight and that you were able to feel a little more complete about things. If not, give it a little time. He'll come around.
In the meantime, take care of yourself.
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