I gots issues.

Yup, it's true. I am an emotional basket case. It really all started way back when, when I went off birth control back in 2005. My hormones got all wonky and so did I. I went haywire physically, gaining weight and growing hair in not so pleasant places, and emotionally either crying over anything or getting mad all the time.

Going through fertility treatments for a couple of years didn't help at all either

I went back on the pill a month or so after the girls arrived to try to get me back on track. It did help for a while, but not I feel psycho again. Seriously. I can go from happy to raging mad in no time flat. It has really taken a toll on my hubby, and I know it's not healthy for my kids to witness. It's definitely the worst while I'm PMSing, which I happen to be this week. Last night was ugly. Kaitlyn woke up at 11:30pm and would not go back to sleep. I tried just helping her lay back down. Nope. I tried rocking her. Nope. I tried laying her in bed with me. Nope. Finally I brought her downstairs and fed her. She passed out.

It wasn't actually that nicely done though. She woke up crying, I tried to console her and lay her down. She SCREAMED. I was shushing her, and getting more mad that she was freaking out. Finally I was telling her to shut up...and now that I'm acknowledging how I acted I am so ashamed. I picked her up roughly and went down the stairs too fast. I probably carried her too tight. It was ugly.

I think I need help.

The girls have their 12 month check-up at the end of next month and the doctor they see is our family doctor. He is a really nice guy and always takes time during the girls appointments to see how Hubby and I are doing. I think I'm going to talk to him then about getting medicated. Even if it's just for a little while until Kaitlyn hopefully goes through this "phase".

I probably haven't filled you in yet about how completely clingy and whiney she is to me. For half a second it is cute and sweet that she wants her momma so bad, but man...it gets old fast. I'm trying not to hate it since I know some day she will go through a phase when she'll want nothing to do with me, but it's hard. I can hardly get anything done. Hubby can't do anything to help. I have to be the one who gets up with her every.single.night. Sometimes multiple times. If Hubby tried, she's scream. During the day she climbs up my leg and follows me around. When I do hold her she climbs all over me and squirms. She doesn't sit still.

She is just one of the things that gets me going during the day. I gots other issues too that have me stressed out almost constantly. Hubby and I have had so much happen to us in the last 15 months that I have forgotten what it feels like to be calm and stable. Remember his three surgeries last year? He is still feeling some residual pain from the last surgery. We also had to file bankruptcy because our bills were so out of control since he couldn't work for about 8 months and I was on half time and then maternity leave for a while. We lost our house to foreclosure and turned over the keys last month. We are now living in a small 600 sq ft "garage" on my parent's property that my dad converted to a little apartment for us. And since the space is so small it was impossible for all four of us and our three beloved dogs to all live here so we had to find them new homes suddenly.

Ya see...we've been through a lot. I can't handle much more. I feel like a teapot on the verge of steaming all the time...and sometimes I do steam. I need help to calm down. I know therapy would probably be more helpful, but drugs I think will be cheaper and unfortunately, money is tight.

Okay, okay, that is enough spewing my guts out for one day. Phew, see I'm glad I came back to this blog. It's nice to be able to spew again :0)