Lilypie - Fourth Birthday

Monday, September 29, 2008

I'm baaaaack!

Well, last week went just as I expected. I totally worked my butt off (63 hours!!) and it was at times stressful. It confirmed for me the decision to skip this month...but as I'm approaching the next cycle I have some decisions to make.

For the first time I am actually considering IVF. After 5 failed clomid cycles and 6 eggs, I am running out of chances. I am waiting to start cycle number 6. If this one doesn't work then I don't know what I am going to do. I think I said before that I don't want a "test tube" baby. My husband said last night though, it's not like it is going to live it's life with a stamp on it's head. But for some reason the thought of it being inseminated in a petri dish just doesn't sit well with me. My other reservation was the cost...but again, my husband reminded me that we spent more on our dogs back surgery than the cost of one IVF cycle. And surely a baby is more important!

I also wonder if for some reason I decide not to go the IVF route and we aren't able to get pregnant otherwise, will I be okay not having children? I don't know. I mean, I know I will survive, I know life will go on, but will I be able to get over the jealousy of seeing a pregnant woman or a woman pushing a stroller or the sight of parents playing with their children. I feel like I have to be able to give this up - give it up completely to God. I don't know why I feel I can control any of this - I have no control at all. If I did I wouldn't be still stuck in this situation.

I've always known that I would not be able to conceive on my own, but I had no idea that it would be so hard and take so long. I've past the three year mark...hopefully I'll be blessed by the end of year four.

Well, that's all for now. I'll write more when something actually happens and is worth writing about.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Jealousy bug

The jealousy bug bit me again last night. Dang, it had been a while, I thought I was doing so good. I found out that an old friend of mine who also had struggled with fertility issues is pregnant. Ugh, I suppose I should take it as good news because she did clomid and timed intercourse, which is exactly what I'm doing.

Just when I think I've given up my control struggle and let God take over, I find myself pulling the control back (even though I know I have never really had control!) It is a daily challenge!

Okay, just had to share. I'm done now!

Monday, September 15, 2008

As I predicted...

In my last post I talked about one of the reasons for taking this cycle off was because I would be stressed in the next couple of weeks. Well, it has begun. Today marked the start of a long and stressfull couple of weeks. I actually am a little relieved by the stress today, just because it affirms that I made the right decision. At the same time, I wish I wouldn't worry so much about stuff at work. I think sometimes I care too much. It's just a job, right?

This whole week I'll be in rush to get things together for our biggest event of the year (and probably the biggest ever for our organization) at work. Next week I'll be heading to the event for four long long long days.

Anywho, I just wanted to give an update. There is not a whole lot going on in the fertility area. Probably won't be until next month. I'll post if anything significant happens. Stay tuned...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Skipping September...

Well, as I was laying in bed last night, trying to get my mind to shut off, I realized that the timing of this cycle is, well, bad timing.

I will be out of town for four days and that lands right at the end of "action" time. We could make it work...but I don't want to force it. Also, I will be pretty stressed with work in the next couple of weeks, and I know that stress has an effect on fertility, so unfortunately, I think the right decision is to wait for October.

I am generally okay with waiting, but my only concern is that I won't ovulate at all, therefore I wouldn't get my period again at the end of my cycle. It's not actually THAT big of a deal, it just means I have to take MORE drugs to induce my period...but geesh, I hate popping pills. I don't even like to take anything for a headache!

On a side note...a coworker's family stopped by the office today. It was her sister and her husband. They had two little cutie pie kids. I heard them making their rounds of introductions from across the office and to be honest...I was hoping they wouldn't come my way. You wanna know why? Well, because I heard the little kids. And lately in my hormonal state just the site of a pregnant belly, infants or toddlers will get me all choked up. So I did my best to avoid them, but I ended up running into them anyway on my way out the door. It was a brief "nice to meet you" and then I was off...**whew, I survived with dry eyes!**

Anyway...today is cycle day 1...so I am hoping four weeks from now I start again...

Monday, September 8, 2008

depression does hurt

***warning: what you are about to read is nothing but my own pity party***

I have one of these at least once a month. It is typically within a few days of getting my period. Call it hormonal, or whatever, but it is raw and it hurts and it makes me angry and sad and frustrated and hopeless all at the same time.

I have friends and family who love me and are supportive of me...but I feel so alone during this time. I have no one to talk to.

You know those lame commercials about depression and how it hurts all sorts of things. Well it is the truth. It hurts relationships, feelings, it literally makes my heart hurt.

I hate feeling this way. I sob all of a sudden just because I saw a damn commercial or a show with a baby in it. I am watching a movie and a little bit ago they showed a woman getting an ultrasound and she got to see the heartbeat for the first time. I lost it and I haven't gotten a grip since.

Okay, I'm sorry for the rant...

Big Fat NEGATIVE

Well...there's really not much to say. I took a test Sunday around 6pm. It was negative. Then around 9pm, Aunt Flo came to visit. Nice, huh?

This was one of the biggest let downs simply because we had double the chance (40% this time). I guess I need to remember, I still had a 60% chance of it not working...I wish the odds were flipped.

So, here I am waiting for AF to settle in and unpack her bags so I can start popping pills again...and around and around we go!

I just have to remember that the last couple of cycles have been better than the first three, so maybe this one will be good to. I hope I am ready on day 12 (when I go up to Seattle), so I only have to make one trip...and only spend $180, instead of $300+.

Oh, and one more thought. Up until last night I was compeletly against even considering IVF (in-vitro fertilization). I am still hung up on a) the price - at the cheapest about $4,500!! and b) do I really want a "science project" baby? Now, I know people choose to go this route all the time...and I TOTALLY don't judge them, I just don't know if it is for me. Like I said, the cost is a huge factor, but if I would have just done IVF from the start, we would have at least paid for one cycle already. Also, I REALLY hate needles, like really...and IVF involves a lot of needles. THere are all sorts of medications you have to shoot yourself up with. I told A that if we did go that route, then I would be making him inject me, I don't think I could do it myself. Basically, you have to do a lot of injectables and I think some pills to make a bunch (like 20 or so) follicles. Then they harvest the follicles and take A's sperm and force them into the follicles (eggs). Then after a period of time they take the best one or two eggs and put them in my uterus (via catheter), then we cross our fingers that one of them implants. The stats for this is about 51% chance that it will work...but that is also a 49% chance it won't...basically your odds at Black Jack. So we are waiting now to see what the doc says after my refills are gone (after this cycle) and we'll go from there...

**Heavy sigh** Here we go with cycle six! Stay tuned...

Friday, September 5, 2008

To test, or not to test

Well, here I am about 36 hours away from the big test day and I am starting to get cold feet. Maybe I won't test. I mean, my period will come in a couple of days anyway if I'm not preggers. I just REALLY don't want to see another negative. I've even changed brands in the past, because I thought maybe that first brand just wasn't compatible with with me...dumb, I know...but I get desperate.

On the other hand, if I took a test and it was negative then I would know a couple of days early and I could expect my period in a couple of days, instead of being disappointed when Aunt Flo showed her ugly head.

So, I have to make a decision. I've been looking forward to testing for two weeks, but now that the time is here...I'm scared of a negative...**please, oh, please God, let it be positive!**

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Dreaming, part 2

Okay, I've officially made up my mind about dreams. They don't mean a gall-dern thing! Last night I had a dream about Madonna - yes, Madonna. Why you ask? Well, the only thing I can think of is that I have a song of hers on my iPod that I like most of, but I always get to a certain point in that song when I have to change it. I heard that song on my way home yesterday, so maybe that is why I dreamed about her.

The two of us were sitting in a diner? skateland? a bowling alley??? Something like that. Anyway we were just chatting and I was telling her how I grew up with her and how I was born in '82 and she was so thankful that I was a fan. Well she was getting a lot of attention. People were coming up to her and asking for pictures, autographs, etc. She said she needed to find a date to sit with her so the people would leave her alone. Well she spotted a guy standing up against the wall not paying any attention to her. She went up to him and was talking to him then was grabbing his arm trying to get him to come and sit down with her. He wouldn't budge so she was going to walk away. As soon as she started to leave he grabbed her by the waist and they were fighting and struggling...and that is were the dream ended...strange, eh?

So, that is why I conclude with dreams mean nothing...I guess that is a good and bad thing :0)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Dreaming

So, I wonder if dreams have anything to do with reality. I occasionally have dreams about what is really going on in my life, but most of the time they are totally random.

I started last week having dreams about having a baby. Not the labor, but actually having my own baby. My first dream was about me feeding my little (girl) newborn. I keep telling myself to remember to change her diaper after she’s done eating and before she takes a nap. Well I forgot to change it before she napped, so when she got up, I told myself again that I needed to change her diaper. Well I went to get her changed and realized I had no wipes or diapers or anything. That was the end of my dream.

I talked to my husband about it and I said maybe it means I am not prepared to have a baby? It that what that dream was trying to tell me?
I had another dream last night about babies, but of course the harder I try to remember it the more it fades away…

I don’t know if I am having these dreams because I am SUPER hoping that this cycle is the one or if my body is secretly trying to tell me something. I still have about 4 more days to wait before I’ll allow myself to take a test, so that is on the brain -CONSTANTLY!

Also, since the brother-in-law moved out this last weekend I’ve been cleaning and am painting his room tonight. Maybe since I keep picturing it as a nursery that is why I’m dreaming about babies. I’m sure there are a million reasons for my dreams…I just hope they mean something!
Speaking of “the nursery”, I really needed to paint that empty bedroom since that was the only room in the house we didn’t paint when me moved in, and since the walls are trashed from a zillion nail and screw holes…**urg!**…Anyway, I needed to paint it but was hesitating because if we do end up pregnant anytime soon, I didn’t want to have to repaint when we found out the sex. Well to solve that problem I am painting it green. A nice light sage-ish green. I think it is pretty. The color is called “willow” something. I figured it was a nice neutral color that would be easy to add pinks or browns or blues to - he he he :0)

I also have to admit, that I've been visualizing how to decorate my green nursery if I have twins and there is one of each sex. I was picturing how I could divide the room to decorate one for the girl and one for the boy...I guess I am really putting the cart before the horse on this one...baby steps...(no pun intended!)

I can’t help but get my hopes up about this time - I have double the chance!!!

Moving Day

Well, today is the big moving day for my bro-in-law. All three of us have lived together for almost 4 years! At the beginning we were helping each other out by splitting expenses, then when my hubby and I bought our house, he moved with us to help with the mortgage while my hubby recovered from a car accident (hit by drunk driver). So now, our life is finally back to “normal”. It has been a blessing for “the bro” to live with us, but it is definitely time for us to be alone. Today is the big day. In about an hour the Uhaul will be here and we will be hauling everything away.

I believe this will be a big stress reliever. For one, it is hard to be spontaneous **wink, wink** (sorry mom! :0)), for two, we will gain a bedroom, and three our house will be messy because we made it messy, not because someone else did too. Oh, to say I am excited is SUCH an understatement.

In the back of my mind I’m a little nervous to help with the move because I’m obviously hoping this cycle worked, and if it did I wonder if lifting heavy stuff it such a good idea. I think I’ll leave the super heavy lifting to the males and I’ll just deal with boxes and smaller items.

I am thankful that I have him moving as a distraction. It is torture to have nothing to do but think about testing in a whole week. So with me starting pack him up in the last couple of days and getting ready to do projects around the house, I am really distracted, and should be for at least a few days. Only six more days…**gulp** …and yay for less stress!

Acupuncture

I forgot to add in my “history” blog that I have started acupuncture. I started about 6 weeks ago. I have to say I think it is doing something for me. I used to suffer from many, many a sinus headache, and now, I can’t even remember the last time I had one.

I used to always get heartburn too…and since I’ve started it has drastically decreased.
Also, since I started that is when my cycles have gotten shorter and more “normal” - whatever that is. I believe the acupunture helps my body grow both the large follicles this month.

Dr. K (the acupuncurist/naturopathic doc) also recommended some diet changes and fish oil. I must admit that it has been hard for me to take it - not because it is nasty (although it is straight oil)-but because it is in the fridge. I don’t remember it is there. I know this will help so many things if I remember to take it. I wish I could have it at my desk at work. :0)

It's only just begun...

I realized today, that it hasn’t even been a week or close to a week since I ovulated. What a disappointment. I have so many more days to wait before I take a test.

For some reason today, I am feeling this incredible calm. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like if I am preggers then that is FANTASTIC, but if I’m not, it’s okay. I can’t believe I just said it would be okay. I mean “okay” not like it’s not big deal if I’m not, but I mean I’ll be okay…meaning I’ll survive if I’m not. I don’t know if I am feeling this way because I’m actually getting more sleep lately and so I am not as tired and stressed or what. I think it also could be that I have spent the last few days reading blogs about other PCOSers who have successfully gotten pregnant and delivered. I guess that gives me peace of mind that it is possible for me.
I was laying in bed last night and I was wondering what was going on in my guts. I had some mild ovarian cramping and then I just felt like things were going on down there. I am acutely aware of any aches, pains, shifts, etc that happens. I wonder if it a little embryo implanting or if it is my uterus preparing to slough off. Either way, I have to remind myself it is out of my control.

Wow, finally some progress with my attitude. Hopefully I don’t flop back to a crappy attitude tomorrow.

My current cycle

So, like I said in a previous post, I am currently on my 5th cycle of clomid. This round I have two follicles that were mature enough to ovulate. I went to the doctor on cd12 for an ultrasound to see my progress. To my amazement she said I was ready for my trigger shot. I had one follie on one side that was 17.9mm and the other side had one that was 21mm! I know that every month when I ovulate I have about a 20% chance of conceiving - the same as a “normal” woman. With two eggs, I have a 40% chance of one and a 20%chance of twins. I secretly hope for twins so I don’t ever have to deal with all the fertility treatment again. Today is only cd 16. I have no pregnancy tests at home - which is a good thing. I am a SUPER impatient person, and I know that if I had a test here I would take it. I told myself I would not buy a test until Sept. 7. That will be cd26.

I think my biggest struggle with TTC is the pure lack of control. I have absolutely no control over the little spermies finding my egg(s), or my egg implanting, etc. All I can do is be as healthy as I can be, and trust that God has a plan for my life. Of all these months of trying (3 years actually), I am finally getting to the point where I am giving up the control struggle. I would think myself into a tissy trying to will things to happen. I think my change of thinking is just because I am really realizing that I have no control, and I need to live in the moment instead of stressing about future appointments and “what if” due dates and work schedules and…and…and…Instead, I need to just focus on now.

Yesterday, I had a good day emotionally. I was reading a really great blog about another PCOS girl who finally had success with IVF. One of her entries she talked about how she was at the point in her cycle where what was going to happen already happened, whether that was that the egg implanted or not and no amount of stressing would do any good. I realized I am at the point too. We timed our intercourse really well, and we did everything in this cycle we could do. Now it is just a matter of time until we find out the result.

Too bad that good attitude was yesterday…today brought a different mood. I feel like if this cycle is the best chance we’ve had so far and it doesn’t work, I am doomed to never have children. I know this to TOTALLY the wrong attitude to have, but hey, I’m being honest. I feel like we’ve wasted all this money on treatment, and nothing has worked. I feel like I just can’t get pregnant, and that is the first step in a zillion steps to delivering a healthy baby. Not that I wish myself this at all, but sometimes I feel like if I were to get pregnant and miscarried at least I’d know it i possible to get pregnant. I’m scared that all this trying will just end in miscarriage and
I’m also afraid of all this trying will lead to have a child with health issues.

I have a wonderful friend who sadly last summer had a miscarriage. They tried for months to get pregnant again and it happened. But now she is facing new challenges. Her sweet little baby has some deformities. It possibly won’t even make it to term. She is just devestated. She doesn’t know whether she should plan the nursery or plan a funeral. Very very sad - and it makes me scared for myself.

Okay, that is enough blogging for now…I think this will be number 4 for today…and I’m going cross-eyed.

Feeling Chatty

So, my real purpose of this blog is to be able to a) have a journal to track my experience b) be able to have a outlet, since I feel like at times I have no one to talk to c) to hopefully help others who feel like you’re alone, not feel so lonely.

I have my up and down days. For the longest time I was pretty pessimistic about getting a positive test. It actually got so bad for a while that I thought I should go seek therapy. Don’t get me wrong. I have my lovely A to talk to all the time, but he’s a guy and COMPLETELY does not understand where I am coming from. It is nice to talk to him on one hand because he IS an ear to listen, but on the other hand, I think since he is a male, he feels like he has to fix everything, and he always has advice to offer, when sometimes I just want to vent.

I have also sought out my friends. I have several really good friends, all of whom have 2 kids or more. It is hard for me to talk to them about my struggles as well, because, well, they have kids..
My best friend, she lives all the way across the country. With the time difference it is hard to time when to talk to her. She recently found out she is expecting. I think she is at 7 weeks right now. I have to admit, I had a twinge of jealousy when she told me. She already has two beautiful girls. Her husband had been in Iraq for about a year and the joke was when he got home she was going to be knocked up. Viola! She is. I actually just confessed to her last night about my jealousy, I know she understands and that is nice.

I sometimes regret telling so many people that we have decided to do the fertility treatment. At first, I was really selective about who I was telling, mainly because I thought that I would get pregnant quickly and didn’t want a ton of ppl to know right away that I was preggers. But now that it has been about 9 months I have slowly but surely told almost everyone I know. All is good about them knowing, but that just leads to people asking all the time about it. When I am feeling optimistic I have no problem talking about it, but when I am down in the dumps, my emotions are on my sleeve, and so I have to beware of the tears.

A little history

To get this ball rolling, I’ll give you a little history about myself. When I was 18 I was put on birth control pills because I was only menstruating once or twice a year. I was on the pill (yasmin) for 5 years. I was married July ‘05 and went off the pill in August of the same year.
I always had a feeling in the back of my mind that I would have trouble getting pregnant. In fact, when I was in high school, I didn’t think I’d ever want children, because I knew I’d have trouble.
Anywho, during HS I was very athletic playing fastpitch and/or volleyball all year round. I played a little basketball and ran a little track as well. Well, shortly after high school I began packing on the pounds…like a lot of them. In fact, in the 8 years since I’ve been outta HS, I’ve packed on 80 - that’s right 80 lbs!! Now, thankfully I am tall (6ft), so the weight doesn’t look AS bad…but still… Anyway, with my weight gain the starting to grow hair in not good places, and being moody, I knew there had to be something up with me. I did tons of research online and finally in 2006 I self-diagnosed myself with PCOS. I went to my gyno (who I’d been seeing since I was 18) with my findings. Her response was “ya, I’ve known since you’ve been coming in that you have PCOS” my internal reaction was like “Helloooooo! Why didn’t you ever tell me?!?!? Instead of letting me think I am a freak of nature!” I am still bitter about it two years later.
After discovering what is wrong with me, I could then move forward in ways to make it more manageable/tolerable.

When I went off the pill I had one more period the next month, but then nothin’ after that. I started to get a prescription of provera every 3 months so I would get my period. I was told to try for 12 months and come back if I hadn’t gotten knocked up yet.
Twelve months later…no baby. My next option was to start fertility treatment. Now, don’t get me wrong, I really wanted a baby, but at 24, I just didn’t think I was “adult” enough to go to those “drastic” measures. I said I’d like to wait a while longer.
In the meantime I had my cholesterol, insulin, and some other things checked. Diabetes is something that people with PCOS are really susceptible to to getting. My insulin was perfect - good news, my cholesterol, however, was HORRIBLE! I was told to immediately change my diet and exercise or go on a cholesterol pill. I chose diet and exercise since I can’t become preggers on the cholesterol meds. After a few months of diet, exercise, and losing 20+ lbs, I was getting my cholesterol under control.

I finally felt like maybe I was ready to maybe do the fertility stuff. Well, finally in October ‘07 my husband (we’ll call him A) and I decided it was time. So I got the referral and made the call for a consultation. My appointment wasn’t until the end of November…bummer I had to wait so long.

At my appointment my doctor made it sound like it would be no problem at all getting me knocked up…well that was almost 10 months ago. Here is a breakdown of my treatment until now:

December ‘07: 100mg Clomid, one follie on cd18, negative test
January ‘08: 100mg Clomid, one follie on cd18, negative test
February - May: Needed a break from the meds and driving to Seattle for the doc appointments (about 60 miles)
June: no luck on my own so started 100 mg Clomid, one follie on cd17, negative test
July: 100mg Clomid, one follie on cd13 (wow, early!), negative test

Here we are at August. I took 100mg of Clomid AGAIN, and have TWO follies on cd12!!. I am currently in my 2ww…*sigh*
So, that is my cycles in a nutshell. I will elaborate more of course, but I think this is a good start.

Intro

I was inspired to start a blog while reading a similar one online. I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS). It is a very frustrating problem. I have a hard time being able to vent, because nobody I know personally has the same problem(s). My thought in creating this blog was to give me an outlet to vent and to help let other PCOS sufferers that they aren’t alone.
Stay tuned as other blogs are added…