Saturday, February 28, 2009

Dr. Google

I've been trying really hard to find a side effect for Medroxyproges (generic for Provera) that would explain my roller coaster moodiness this week. So far I haven't found anything, but I know if I keep searching somewhere I'll find something to make me feel justified - lol!

I blogged a few days ago about me being a cry baby. Well, the tears have stopped, but the anger has surfaced. My poor Hubby got the brunt of it last night. He was just annoying the crap out of me - not his fault, he was just being himself. Everything was pissing me off. My dogs - I wanted to open the front door and let them free. My hubby - I wanted him to go away.

Even my dream last night. A little history first...for Christmas my parents have rented a condo and purchased plane tickets for me, Hubby, my brother and his girlfriend, and my parents to go to Florida for a week in April. So my dream was all of us in Florida, I think we were on a boat and my mom and I were fighting, like really yelling at each other. This is really odd for us, because we never fight - not because we don't piss each other off once in a while, but because we'd never talk about it, just let it fester until it goes away. I know, real healthy. So anyway, me fighting with my mom in my dream was strange. I guess even subconsciously I was pissy.

Today, so far so good - although I'm by myself. My dogs haven't been too terrible and Hubby is still sleeping. I have a roast a vegetables in the crock-pot so I won't have to worry about dinner later. I've been contemplating all day about whether or not I want to venture out to the mall or even to Costco, but I can't decide and now it's 1pm...Hubby will be up in a couple of hours, so I don't want to be gone too long. I really hate that I was so mean last night. I don't get to see him very often, since we works nights during the week. I want to be a nice wife tonight and have him wake up to the smell of dinner and my smiling face - not my angry face - lol :0)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Cry baby!

Holy cow! I hope it is hormonal or else I'm just losing it. The last few days I've been kind of emotional. I went to see Lion King with my mom on Saturday and during the first two minutes of the opening I was all choked up! And for what? Seeing all the costumes I guess.

Then, Sunday, I went to see The Reader with my mother in law and it was a kind of depressing movie. It put me in a funk for the rest of the day.

Then, today, I'm in a totally fine mood all day at work and afterwards I stop by the grocery store to fill my prescription for the Provera. Well, I don't know if it was a coincidence or just my lucky day, but I swear every single cart being pushed had a kid in it. No joke. It was like babies were taking over the world or something. Then, I had a long list of items I was getting...I usually like to make my way from one side of the store to the other and grab what I need along the way. I hate forgetting something a few aisles away and having to turn around and go back. Well, I was a complete loser and kept forgetting stuff and I was going all over the place. Ugh. I suppose I did have 30 mins to kill while I was waiting for my prescription to be filled...I had no trouble doing that today. By the time I got to the check out line I was in a crummy mood. THEN, after I get all my groceries on the conveyor belt by purse tips over from the top of the cart and falls into the cart, dumping it's contents. Of course the change went through the cart and onto the floor. So lucky me, got to squat down skirt, heels, and all and pick up stupid change I didn't even care about. I only picked it up because it was in the middle of the walk-way. I suppose I could have kicked it out of the way...Anyway, then the checker guy was all chipper and nice. I know, that doesn't sound so bad, but when I'm in a bad mood, happy people make me more mad...

THEN, I load up my groceries in the back of my car (I have a CR-V). I used to have a piece of carpet back there so my stuff wouldn't slide around, but when I got in my accident last summer, for some reason the auto place didn't put it back in my car. So I had a sheet back there, but two weeks ago I had to pick up some flower arrangements for work and then dumped in the back and spilled water and dirt all over. So I have the sheet in the house to wash, but haven't done it yet. so all of that is to say that I didn't have anything to put the groceries on in the back of my car. So I had to drive really slow and careful, but that didn't matter, my bags and milk were sliding around and slamming into the sides of my car. I'm actually surprised I didn't have a bunch of milk in the back of my care when I got home.

So, I icing on todays cake are my dogs. I love them, but man, I hate them sometimes. I have three dogs. Two dachshunds and a basset hound. Well one of the dachshunds, Wally, is such a pain in the arse most of the time. He barks incessantly. It drives me insane. But there was not only icing, but a cherry on top. The basset and the other dachshund decide to get in a fight over a rawhide bone. The basset is 70lbs and the dachshund is about 20lbs...the basset won. But then got really protective, so I decided to pick up all the rawhides (there was one for each dog, but they usually pick one that everyone seems to want). I put them on the counter in the kitchen. Well, then they all were whining and trying to jump up to get them down. That was about 7:30 tonight. Well, by 8pm I'm crying to Hubby about how I'm going insane with the dogs and all the babies everywhere and my purse dumped and blah blah blah!

At 8pm I locked the dogs in their crates and came into the bedroom. I have the laptop (obviously) and headphones and I'm rocking out do drown out the noise of the bastard Wally barking. Every time there is a pause in the music or when the song changes I hear him barking down the hall. Oh how I hate that dog lately.

Well, I think I'll give the keyboard a break from my pounding fingers and maybe read a little. Hopefully I can through my tears. I'm listening to Third Day and Jennifer Knapp - they're Christian artists. Whenever I sing along I cry.

One of my favorite songs to sing (by myself of course) is: Jennifer Knapp - Refine Me

I come into this place
Burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain
You're my God and my Father
I've accepted your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?

Lord, come with your fire,
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine me

My heart can't see
When I only look at me
My soul can't hear
When I only think of my own fears
They are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You
How can I speak Your name?

Lord, come with Your fire,
burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You

It's all I can do
To give my heart and soul to You
And pray, and pray, oh I will pray

Lord, come with Your fire,
burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You

Refine me, refine me
Refine me, refine me

Sunday, February 22, 2009

CD 21

Bust...that is what this cycle is/was...I had my ultrasound appointment this morning. Nothing has happened since my last appointment (5 days ago). I have the boarding pass (Provera prescription) for Aunt Flo. She is expected to arrive in the next 10-14 days. My next cycle we are going to try Femara at 7.5 mg - the highest dose, and IUI. If for some reason this dosage doesn't work, we will move onto injectables next time - THANK GOD, the longer I can delay the injectables the better!

Good news though. The doctor said about three times during my appointment that I have very nice healthy looking ovaries. And he also said I definitely have age on my side (I'm 26 - 27 in April). I guess that is a good thing that he is still being very encouraging.

I also asked him about my retroverted uterus. He said it could mean mild endometriosis, but he didn't thing so. He said it could mean the sperm would have a hard time getting into the uterus, but since we are doing IUI, he said it's nothing to worry about.

Well, here we go into month 16 of our TTC journey...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I just wanted to send out a quick THANK YOU!!!! to all of you who sent me encouraging comments today. I really, really appreciated them, and I appreciate all of you!

To give you a quick update: Last night was much better. Hubby was at work until about 9pm last night. I hadn't talked to him since our craptacular phone call around 6pm. He got home and I wasn't going to say anything to him if he was still in a bad mood, because I was in an okay mood and didn't want it ruined. Turned out he was in a okay mood too. We talked about everything and went into more detail about the appointment and what we can expect for the next appointment and where that might lead us. It was a good conversation and I went to bed content with our communication reconciliation.

Thanks again all for the encouragement, it helps a lot!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

If ovaries had middle fingers...

...they'd be aimed right at me.

Five days have passed since I started taking the OPK's. Per my doctors directions, if I had not gotten a positive, then I was supposed to come in and have another ultrasound to see how things are progressing...or in my case, not progressing.

Let me give you a breakdown of my appointment.
-Appointment time 5:15
-I show up about 4:55, I knew I'd be early, so I brought a book
-5:25, I'm brought back to the exam room
-22 minutes later the doc finally comes in
-Right after he walks in he leaves again, leaving the nurse and I. She explains to me he had to talk to the guy in the next room who was cleaning and tell him to only remove the garbage in that room and don't use any chemicals to clean, because there are embryos in there and they don't want anything interfering.I was impressed, I wouldn't have thought of that.
-Finally my ultrasound. Nada, zip, zilch, nothin'. Well, I take that back. I have quite a few little follicles, but nothing even close to maturing.
-As they doc and nurse are wrapping up the ultrasound, my cell phone rings, it's hubby, I can tell by the ring. At the same time, the doc's pager goes off. We both sort of laughed at the timing.
-I get dressed and meet the doc in his office.
-I hesitate to walk in because I see he's on his phone. He sees me and waves me in. I'm assuming he's talking to the person who paged him.
-He gets off the phone and starts looking at the ultrasound pics and starts taking notes. He desk phone rings. He picks it up and it's the person he just got off the phone with. They have about a two sentence conversation and he hangs up.Back to my chart...still nothing is said to me.
-Finally, he says that he's already thinking how to tackle my next cycle. He's pretty sure this one is going to be a bust. There are no follicles close to being mature. He wants me to come back in 5 days (Sunday) and have another ultrasound just to make sure nothing is going on. Assuming that nothing is going to progress he said he'll have to induce my period and decide whether to have me take more Femara plus injectables, or just injectables. He pencils me in for 10am on Sunday and I leave.

So I get in the car and call Hubby to fill him in. He answers, "Give me some good news!"
I say, "There is no good news to be had"
He's quiet
I fill him in on what happened...or didn't happen.
He's quiet
I say "hello?" a few times to make sure he's still there.
He says "At what point do we call it quits?"
I say "Oh honey, we aren't even close! We haven't even started injectables yet."
More silence
Finally he says "I don't really feel like talking so I'm going to go."
We hang up.

Up to that point I felt pretty numb about the appointment. I wasn't happy obviously. I wasn't sad, mad or depressed. But after getting off the phone I was pissed. I hate it when I go through all this crap and he's the one who doesn't want to talk!! Does he realize he is the only real live person I can talk about this with??? I mean, you guys are my best friends when it comes to this fertility crap. I have no one in real life that knows what I'm going through. I take that back. There is a woman at work who is going through similar stuff, but we don't get to talk hardly at all. I don't have my mom to talk to. She finds this stuff depressing so she doesn't read my blog or ever ask me how things are going. Gee, thanks mom. So other than pounding my thoughts/experiences on the keyboard and reading your blogs, I got nothin. You'd think I could at least have my husband.

Well, I'm going to go and bury my nose in a book so I don't have to think about my life and I can read about someone else's.

I'll give you and update Sunday when I find out what my next steps are.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

nothing to report

As the subject line explains, there is nothing to report. I started using the OPK's on Friday and I'm doing one in the morning and one in the evening. This may sound funny, but I just want some stick I pee on to be positive...that way I know my pee works - lol

I test tonight, tomorrow and Tuesday, if there is still no LH surge then I call the doc and go in for an ultrasound to see how things are progressing. I'm wondering if I can O on my own without the HCG shot. I haven't tried with out it yet, I guess this is the test.

On another note, I'm having a really good weekend. My boss gave me half the day off Friday as a little reward for working so hard this week - we had one of our largest annual events on Wednesday. Then yesterday I finished reading a good book and spent some good quality time with the hubby. Today I'm getting a massage and who knows what the rest of the plans are. Not to sound like McDonalds, but I'm lovin' it! :0)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Tomorrow is OPK day 1 of 5!

I don't know what I should do. Do I follow my doctor's advice and test with first morning urine (FMU) or follow Dr. Google's advice and test in the afternoon.

Dr. G's argument is that the LH hormone, that the test detects, is produced in the morning and not detectable until the afternoon...

...My doc had written that in his instructions to me. I didn't at the time know Dr. G's stance, so I didn't ask. I referred to the box and it doesn't specify a time.

As of right now, I am planning to test in the morning...and probably in the afternoon as well.

I know the tests are about $2 each (from Costco), but I don't want to miss anything. Besides I keep telling myself peeing on these sticks is still a hellova lot cheaper than going up to Seattle for ultrasounds a few times a month.

Like always...I'll keep you posted!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Patience, Grasshopper

I left my office this morning at 9:45a to head to my 10am appointment (thinking it would just be my "lunch hour"). I arrived a few minutes before and patiently, then impatiently waited. There was one other very pregnant patient waiting when I got there. As we were sitting there another very pregnant woman left...I'm taking this as a good sign. Hopefully these two were infertile before and not one of those "natural conceivers" - lol - I don't like those kind :0) Anyway, she eventually got taken back and I sat there, and sat there...I got to listen to the receptionist answer calls and put patients on hold while she takes personal calls. Yep, that's right. I heard her ask a person to hold, she took the other call and was saying "oh, where are you going?...oh, I could use some shampoo and conditioner...what was the name of Johnny's school?..." She sat there and kept the patient on hold while she was chatting away....she eventually got off the phone and took care of a patient. Then she has ANOTHER personal call and it sounded like she was looking for a babysitter for tonight because she needs to go to H&R Block, but they don't take appointments, only walk-ins and the last walk-in is at 7pm....ugh...

After this phone call was over - and it was about 10:25, I finally asked how much longer it was going to be and she said I was next - well I could have figured that since I was the only person in the waiting room. Ugh. It was 10:32 the last time I checked the time and shortly after I was called back - FINALLY

I was brought back to the room, told to strip from the waist down and wait. I waited again....then the doctor and a nurse came in. He did the ultrasound, pointing out everything we saw (I had my own little screen to look at) he showed me my bladder and some large blood vessel that heads down or up, I don't remember, my leg. My ultrasound was fine. No cyst - yay! He told me to get dressed and meet him in his office. So I did.

He looked over my u/s pics again and made some notes. He gave me my prescription for Femara and said "We'll call today CD5", so start the Femara tonight. He also gave me some instruction for the OPK's, since I've never used them before. He also explained Hubby's semen analysis a little more. I don't remember the exact terminology, but something about the glucose coagulating or something like that. He said the white blood cells were actually immature sperm. Anyway he said when Hubby comes in for the "deposit" the semen guy will do a "percoll preperation", which is adding some kind of liquid to the semen sample. I didn't really understand. I'm going to consult Dr. Google when I'm done rambling on with this blog...

He also said he forgot to have two tests done the last time I got my blood drawn, so I had to go back to the lab and have my blood drawn again. Now, you may recall that I had quite the sucky experience last time. It took two nurses and three veins to finally get my blood. Well today it was only one nurse and two veins, but she got it. Ouch! By this time it is almost much for my lunch "hour"...

So, tonight I took my first Femara dose and will for the next four days. Then on day 12 (next Friday) I'll start taking using the OPK's. I will do that for five days until I get a positive, then I call for the insemination. If I don't get a positive, I'm to call and have an u/s done to see how things are or are not progressing.

Whew! What a morning. This clinic is definitely going to stretch my patience, I hope I have more to spare.

Hallelujah for Friday's. I'm so happy I get to chill for two days. Next week is going to be a rough one at work. We have one of our annual events taking place on Wednesday and there is lots to prepare before then.

Have a great weekend ya'll!!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

We finally connected!

I finally got to talk to the doctor last night. With no help from him I might add. I called again at noon yesterday and left another message, but I wasn't so nice - not that it seemed to matter. I had said I have been waiting for a call back since last Thursday. This is my first time at this office and I want to make sure I don't miss my cycle. I need to speak to Dr. M by the end of the day or I will page him.

Apparently, the threat of paging the doctor didn't matter. No call. I paged him about 5:30 and seriously not two minutes later I got a call back. About darn time!

I explained to him that I called last Thursday because I had started spotting. I continued to spot over the weekend (enough to wear a regular pad) and then Monday morning had my only red blood (but not much). Yesterday I was back to a little spotting. I told him I was confused by this cycle and didn't want to miss it by waiting too long. He failed to remember (even though my chart was right in front of him) that I had taken provera to induce this period. He thought I was just having another "random" anovulatory cycle. He advised me to come in tomorrow (today) or Thursday for a cyst check ultrasound. I was kind of peeved by this because he didn't mention it before and I haven't been on Clomid since November. But I figured, what the heck, it's my first time here and I remember having to have an ultrasound for the same reason at my old clinic. Besides, this place is cheaper by half!

So he transfers me to the nurse to schedule the appointment. She had Thursday at 5pm available. I said okay, and told her about my appointment on Friday at 10am that was already scheduled and she can cancel it. Well, the doc overheard her confirming with me to cancel Friday's appointment and I heard him in the background saying I could just keep that appointment. Ugh, so now I won't get in today, or tomorrow, but Friday. Geesh!

I know he's the doctor and he knows more than me about this stuff, but I can't help but to still be irked because he never got back to me. Short of barging into the clinic, what else could I have done but called everyday like I did? Now today, I've hardly had anything at all. Maybe that was it for my period. Who frickin knows when day one is/was??? I had some uterine cramps over the weekend and now I'm having ovary cramps. I feel like I'm on Clomid. I had to recline my seat a little in my car on the way home to relieve the pressure on my poor lil' ovaries.

On top of all this, I've had zero energy for about a week. I just can't seem to get anything done. I come home put on my pj's grab some dinner - either leftover take-out or a bowl of cold cereal and plop my butt in the recliner. I called in sick on Monday because of a sinus headache that woke me up in the middle of the night and wouldn't go away. I had one last night and now tonight as well. I just can't win!

Okay, that's it. I'm done complaining (for now ;)). Thanks all for letting me vent. Thanks to Jessica for blogging about her experience. I appreciate it.

I'll fill you in on Friday's appointment!

And to all you Lost fans, Happy Lostday!!!

Monday, February 2, 2009

More than frustrated!

So much for my optimism with this new doctor!!! I called his office last Thursday before the office had opened and left a voicemail. I heard nothing all day. Friday morning. I called and talked to a nurse. I said I had some questions and that I had started spotting and I wanted to let the doctor know so I could get my prescription. She checked his office and said he has the message on his desk, he's just been in surgery all morning. I heard nothing back...

Today. Monday. Three business days after my first call and FIVE freaking cycle days after I called about spotting. Still no call back. It is 3 o'clock in the friggin afternoon!!! I just called and talked to the receptionist. I very politely but obviously annoyed told her I called three days ago when I started spotting and I have not heard back. She apologized and said he's been very busy. I wanted to laugh out loud!! Well no shit he's busy, but is he too busy for one of his own patients?????? Gawd!!! I told her I understand he is busy, but this is my first time at his office and we are doing a new protocol and I didn't want to miss anything. I said I "think" this is cycle day one, since I have been heavily spotting since last Thursday and this is the first day of red blood. I said I didn't know how heavy this one would be since I just had my last one three weeks ago. She asked if I had been put on any medications to induce my period. I said yes, provera. She said okay, well were you going to go on Clomid? I said no, Famera. She said oh, okay, Clomid. (dumb receptionist, they are two different drugs! uggg!!!) She asked if I can you come in on Feb. 6 for an ultrasound. I said Ultrasound? What for? And she said for a cyst check. I know I do not need an ultrasound for a cyst check. And I'm rather pissed that the damn receptionist is the one telling me what to do. I spoke with the doctor in person at my consultation and he said to call when I started and I would get my prescription. What the hell! Besides, the 6th would be the 6th day of my cycle and too late to start any drugs, that much I know.

I am so mad right now. I just got done sobbing (which is what I do when I am emotional at all) and then I decided. I'm going to wait until 5pm when their office closes, I'm going to call and page the doctor to call me.

When he calls me I'll be nice but let him know that he needs to tell me if he is too busy for me and if so I'll take my barren uterus elsewhere. I want to hear from him that I need this stupid ultrasound. I don't want to have the girl answering the phone to be the one making decisions for him.

AHHHH! I just want to scream!!!