Lilypie - Fourth Birthday

Monday, December 28, 2009

16w2d Appt

Let's start off with how my morning started. You gotta love Monday's especially after a long holiday weekend. I can never sleep on Sunday nights after a break. My mind races about things I have to do the next day, I'm paranoid I'll miss my alarm, etc. Last night was no different. I couldn't fall asleep. I ended up reading in bed until about midnight. The last time I looked at the clock it was about 12:20. I got up about three times to pee throughout the night. I was hot and flopping around. It was not fun. After about 5am I didn't sleep much because I kept looking at the clock. It's actually a good thing I did. I had double checked to see if I had set my alarm for the right time when I went to bed, but I never actually turned it on. I ended up getting up about 10 minutes before it was supposed to go off anyway.



I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I've been super phlegmy lately. Every morning I'm blowing snot out of my head and hacking up nasties. Well this morning in the shower I start coughing to get out the crud, and I feel like I'm going to puke. Of course I don't want to puke in the shower, so I'm basically choking to avoid coughing anymore. I finally get out and can use the sink. I manage to finish getting ready, only gaging once while drinking water (for some reason I can only sip water in the mornings or else I gag...???). I go out to my car and it's frozen. So I start it up and get out to scrape windows etc. I start coughing again...and stopped myself from puking, but I couldn't completely calm down, my mouth was still watering. I go back in the car trying to breathe slow and calm down. Nope, didn't work. I jump out of the car and manage to get just off the driveway before I lost it. Happy Monday to me. I hope my neighbors didn't see.



Anyway, on to my appointment. I get there and have to fill out three pages of medical history, pee in a cup, step on the scale, check my blood pressure, a pap smear, a breast exam, two ultrasounds of the babes and my cervix. He manually checked my "birth canal". I was informed I had good birthing hips and could easily deliver a 9 pounder...thanks doc. I also got to have 5 vials of blood drawn. The only thing I didn't do was give a saliva sample and I think that would have completed all the samples I could give...The doc also informed my that I have very large breasts - really? Gee doc, I hadn't noticed. He asked me if the babies would ever see them. I said probably not. I don't want to commit to being tied to a chair all the time, but they will get as much breast milk as I can pump. He seemed happy with that.



He went though all the standard medical history questions and told me about the tests they were going to do with my blood. Everything seemed pretty routine. He said everything looked good. The babies are getting big. I can't even see their whole bodies on the u/s anymore. I got a good shot of both this time. They are both laying on their backs, face up. One of them you can even see the ribs. It's very cool. I'll post them in the next day or two. I have to get over to my MIL's for her to scan them.



He suggested I take an iron supplement. I also needed something extra for calcium since I'm only getting about 2 servings a day. He mentioned Tums, which is perfect because I've been eating those suckers every day for heartburn, so I'm good with that anyway. For the mucus issue, he suggested Claratin. I'll have to pick up some of that and see if it helps. If I can get that under control then I won't be coughing, then gaging then puking almost everyday.



Well, I think that's the full recap. I'll be going in every two weeks for them to check my cervix. Hopefully we'll get to see the babes again too. I love watching them on the u/s screen.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Preparing the nursery

We have (mostly) emptied out the room that will be the nursery. All that's left in there are two items that are too heavy for me to help move, and some stuff in the closet. I was really concerned about the size of the room. I didn't think I'd be able able to get two cribs, a dresser and a glider chair in there comfortably. Well, after taking out the full size bed, the 40 some odd inch TV, and all the other junk that was in there, it really makes it feel bigger. We just have my cedar hope chest and TV stand to move..but they're both heavy.

We did all that cleaning on Saturday. Sunday we brought in one of the cribs we got and managed to assemble it without instructions and without killing each other. It's actually a pretty nice crib. One side slides up and down, the mattress can be lifted up higher, and there is even a drawer on the bottom for storage. Amazingly we had all the parts and figured out where they all went. It's a Christmas miracle - lol.

We've decided we'll only use one crib for at least the first few months, until they roll around too much and disturb the other's sleep. From what I've read online that could last from 2 months to 6 months. Doesn't matter to me, we have crib number two in the garage and can put it together when needed.

I also went through the clothes and pulled out the items that are gender neutral. My mom offered to "pre-treat" them for stains and stuff - and I know she's itching to get her hands on some baby clothes. There were actually quite a few items that could be neutral. I wish boys could wear jean skirts, one of the items is an overall skirt with leather fringe at the bottom. it is SOOOO cute. I really want a girl just so she could wear that outfit with some little boots. Ah! Cute!

I'm really dying to find out their genders...hopefully they won't be shy when the time comes! I have restrained myself and have not purchased one baby item. I just can't bring myself to do it until I know what they are.

I can't wait!

Friday, December 18, 2009

The announcement...

So, this morning we had our quarterly staff meeting. It is a mandatory meeting, so all 35is staff were there. At this particular meeting, the president of the association I work for gives out the awards to employees who have been there for 5 year, 10 years, etc. This year is my 5th. So he calls my name, I go up to the front to accept my (actually really nice) embroidered jacket, and he says something about do I want to share my news...

Well of course I couldn't say no - although I really wanted to! I hate speaking in front of people. It was bad enough earlier when we had to go around the room and introduce ourselves to the new employees who have started int he last few months. So I say something like "uh, ya, um, so I'm pregnant with twins!" Every claps, etc. It was nice, but dang, I was embarrassed. Thanks Mr. President :0)

Last night, some of the staff (about 15 of us) and their spouses, went to a local bar/restaurant to do some socializing outside of work. Well, one fairly new guy brings his wife. I totally recognized her from my doctor's office. She actually works for a company who helped re-brand our company, so I have been in meetings with her before. Anyway, I thought when I saw her at the doctor's office I recognized her, but I never thought that she and this new guy were married (their last name is pretty common). Anyway, as soon as I saw her and made the connection my heart went out to them. They were going to Dr. M for the same reason, to get knocked up. A coworker I was sitting by (who referred me to Dr. M) told me this couple had been trying for a really long time and are now talking about adoption as they are approaching their 40's.

All of this is to say that when I "had" to make my announcement this morning, I felt really guilty, because I know the feeling of trying for so long and hearing other people getting pregnant. I really want to go up to him and explain that I know what he and his wife are going through and explain how I got pregnant. I can't though, because I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate me finding out their situation from another coworker...

Anyway, it's been an interesting morning, and that was just the staff meeting. We have our holiday party starting in about an hour, and that is always interesting too.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Update

I just wanted to let ya'll know that things seem to be completely back to normal since the scare on Monday. I haven't spotted again since that morning (thank God!). Although, I practically check the toilet paper with a microscope every time.

I never did go in to see the doctor about it. I figured it's pretty "normal" and it wasn't red and there was no cramping. Poor Hubby has been pretty freaked about the whole thing. It made it worse that the poor guy had a dream shortly before I came home that morning that I miscarried both of them at 20 weeks. It's put him in a funk the last couple of days. I'm trying to stay positive for him and convince him that all's good in the hood...I know we'll both feel better after my next appointment. It seems like forever until then (the 28th). Darn holidays got in the way! :0)

Well, I gotsta get back to work. Just wanted to give you quick update.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Helluva morning!

This morning was a scary morning. I woke up (with a lingering headache from the night before), I went to the bathroom and discovered...spotting. I was so scared! It wasn't bright red, but it was pink. I know brown spotting is pretty normal, but I didn't know about pink. The whole time I was in the shower I prayed and prayed that everything would be fine.

When I got out of the shower I checked again, and there was less spotting. Then debated whether to just call the doctor's office when they opened or just go there before I go to work. While I was debating I brushed my teeth. Of course, I ended up throwing up. There was nothing to throw up, it was mainly dry heaves, but it made me nervous that the force of my stomach muscles would make me bleed more. Before I left the house I checked again. Nothing. I decided then I would just call the doctor when I got to work.

I called and said I started spotting pink blood this morning, but it stopped. The lady I talked to said as long as it wasn't red and it stopped then not to worry, but to call back if it came back. Well of course the stress and the worry aggravated my headache and it got way worse. I was hungry but couldn't bring myself to each much so the combination was bad for work. I just couldn't concentrate and I was on the verge of tears all morning.

Finally at 11am I asked my boss if I could leave. I just was not being productive and my head was screaming. She told me to go ahead and go. I came home and crawled into bed with hubby and started crying and told him what happened. He just rubbed my back and consoled me. He told me I to call the doctor's office again just to make sure what happened was normal or if I should come in and have an u/s done or something. Especially since my next appointment is still two weeks away, we would both be worry the whole time.

I called and the same lady I talked to earlier reassured me to not worry. She said spotting happens a lot, and as long as it isn't red and I don't have cramping than everything should be fine.

So here I am at home. Hoping my headache goes away soon and of course going to the bathroom every 20 minutes to make sure all it clear. So far so good.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

14 weeks, and what a day!

I did it, I finally did it. I bought maternity clothes today. My mom and I ventured a little north to Mo.ther.hood and I got some tops and a couple pairs of pants. I hate clothes shopping and maternity clothes shopping isn't any different. Pants are hard for me. If I find them to fit in the waist they are too short (I'm nearly 6ft tall). I did find one pair of jeans and one pair of work pants that will work. I really wanted at least two work pants...but I guess I can always go back later.

My mom made her first purchase of baby stuff today. While I was trying on clothes she stumbled upon little ducky and cow socks. They are so darn cute. The duck ones have little pom poms on the heel and the cow ones have little cow tails on the heel. Cute! She whipped them out a couple of times while we were in the car to look at them. She's so funny.

In the meantime, while we were shopping my MIL was doing a little shopping too. Her boyfriend has a cousin who has 2 year old twins. They were looking to get rid of some of their stuff so my MIL went up to Seattle to pick up stuff for us. She brought back two cribs, clothes, high chairs, strollers, and some other odds and ends. She got it all SUPER cheap. I'm so excited. It is so weird to have baby items in my house that are mine and not going to someone else at their shower or something. The couple who had twins had boy/girl twins, so we got a combination of both for the clothes. Either way we'll get to use some if not all of it.

It was a very good day. Now we just need to clean out the room that will be the nursery. I can't wait to start on it. I want to have it done in plenty of time for me to sit in there and daydream of the babies...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

13w3d

I can't believe I'm at 13 weeks already. My, my, how the time is flying.

Good news - my "morning" sickness is pretty much gone (knock on wood, cross my fingers!). Of course smells still make be feel nauseous, and I'm still mucoussy, so I gag a few times a day, but other than that I'm not sick. Yay!

Although, financially I really hope I don't have to go on bed rest too early or even at all...I'm secretly hoping I do, because work kicks my butt. I can't believe how tired I get. I work in a freakin' office and sit at a desk most of the day. Granted, I don't think I'm getting enough sleep during the week, so I'm sure that contributes to it, but man, by the end of the day I'm pooped. On the weekends I've been averaging about 12 hours of sleep at night. During the week I get maybe 7-8. I've always required a little more sleep than the average though. If I could get 9-10 I felt good.

My appetite hasn't changed much. I'm still pretty ravenous, but nothing sounds good. I eat a lot of cold cereal, fruit...and some cheese or peanut butter crackers. That's about it. Cooking food in the house still grosses me out. In fact almost every night when hubby sticks his usual chicken strips and tater tots in the oven, I either go to bed, or turn on the hood fan and crack a window to get the stank out. Seriously. Ew. And those two things in real life don't stink. I know. Crazy.

I talked with my boss yesterday a little about possible dates when I would go on maternity leave. I think she was a little surprised at the wide range of time it is. Basically, if I went on bed rest at 28 weeks, which is what the doc told me to prepare for just-in-case, I could be leaving mid March. My goal of 32 weeks puts me in mid April, and if I get so lucky to go to "term", 36 weeks, that's mid May. So really...we just need to be prepared for anything starting in March. The other person who works in my department with me, and would be mostly my back up while I'm gone, is going on maternity leave in about two weeks. Thankfully though, she'll be back in full swing by February, so we're covered :0)

Hm...I'm trying to think of any other updates... Oh, I still haven't gotten maternity pants yet, although now I'm getting desperate. I have them all in my virtual shopping cart, and I'll be able to "check-out" on payday. Yay!

Well folks, that's all I can think of at the moment. I hope you are all enjoying the holiday season!

Friday, December 4, 2009

12w6d appt

All is still good. We did a belly u/s this time. I was more comfortable, but much much less clear. It was hard to see the little buggers. Doc had a hard time measuring them too. He even said how he was embarrassed at the quality of the u/s. They both had good heart beats. I asked about getting to hear them and he said with twins he relies on the u/s, because when you hear them you don't know who's is who's and if you are listening to the same one twice. I get it, but it still would be nice to hear.

He also elaborated a little about how to be ready for bed rest at 28 weeks - just in case. Also, our next goal is 32 weeks. Hubby asked about the gender scan. Dr. M said at 20 weeks they'll be able to tell us with 85% accuracy, and at 24 weeks at 99% accuracy.

My next appointment is in 3 weeks and he said we'll do a full prenatal appointment with my health history, blood draw, and other stuff I can't remember. I'll be 16 weeks then. Wow!

That's about it. Oh, someone asked about belly pics...ya, not going to happen. Maybe when I'm huge, but right now I look like a fat girl who's getting a little fatter...so not much to see.

Well, I hope you all have a great weekend! Ta ta for now!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Elastic is my friend

Today for work, I finally got smart and decided to wear my black skirt - with an elastic waist! Duh! Why didn't I think of that before? I have this one that's long, another shorter one and two dresses I could wear. Hello! I am so much more comfortable today! These four items will do until Friday, which is when I will once again don my jeans with the rubber band around the button (yay for casual Fridays!). This buys me another week to get by without purchasing maternity clothes.

All weekend I wore sweats, with the exception of two hours on Saturday when I left the house to do a little shopping.

It was actually a pretty quiet long holiday weekend. Thursday I visited my parents for a couple of hours, then Hubby and I went to his mom's for dinner. I was actually able to eat dinner and felt good afterward! I was afraid I'd have a "sick" day, but it was great! We ate, watched football, ate some pie, and vegged on the couch. Perfect! Friday I dinked around the house cleaning and putting fall decor away. Saturday I shopped for about two hours hunting down the items I needed for gifts and put up Christmas decoration. Sunday I never even put a bra on (sorry, TMI). I managed to do two loads of laundry, but that was it. Other than that I watched a LONG marathon of Amer.ica's N.ext T.o.p Mo.del. It was great.

What was not great was waking up to my screeching alarm this morning. Booo! I enjoyed my 10-11 hours of sleep each night. Good news though, I'm not dragging today, thankfully. I've been really busy, so that hasn't given me time to get sleepy. I'm sure I'll sleep good tonight though!

In baby related news, I think I've felt the first flutters of movement. It's probably been a week or so now since I first noticed it. It's not strong and only happens occasionally, but I'm convinced it's my little beans moving around.

Well, that's about it. I have my appointment on Friday - feel like it's been forever since my last one. I can't wait to see how much they've changed.

I hope you all had a great weekend - I can't believe tomorrow is December already!!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving Eve

I figured I'd get this posted today since I know I won't be home tomorrow to do it. This year has been quite the roller coaster. Possibly the biggest ride of my life. Strangely though, as much as I hated my fertility journey, I can't help but be a little thankful for it. Experiencing all the treatment, emotional and physical pain, and the stress has brought me closer to God and to my husband.


I have never prayed so much as I have this year - particularly the last several months. Although I didn't always get what I asked for at the time, I did feel His comfort and peace when I needed it the most.


My husband and I have grown so close during this time. It has been hard on both of us. He has been so supportive and as understanding as he can be. I can already see the kind of father that he will be and it makes me choke up with happiness. We've been though a lot of trials since our wedding 4 years ago, and we always seem to pull out of it together and stronger than ever.


I'm also thankful for the support I've had from my mother-in-law, my friend Rita, a couple of new(er) friends Heather and Amanda, and my coworker Jen. They all have been there for me to talk to or offer advice or sympathy. I've really appreciated having people to be able to talk too, even if they can't totally relate to what I'm going through, they've been there. And that's important.


Of course I can't leave out my doctor. He is quirky, a little strange, and his office staff drive me crazy...but however they are, they did their job. I'm pregnant. I never thought I would say those words, but it's true. Dr. M actually took the time to review my situation at every appointment and to make adjustments as he saw fit. I'm very thankful for that.


And last, but not at all least, the blogger world! I cannot thank you all enough. Not only the comments I've received, but being able to read others' stories of success and continued treatment has really helped me feel not so alone, and has given me hope for myself. Thank you bloggy friends, you mean so much to me!
So thank you all, this has been quite the year. I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow.







Tuesday, November 24, 2009

11w3d

...and not much has changed.

I was really hoping this week I'd start that uphill climb out of the nausea and vomiting. No such luck. In fact, I think the last week I've been worse. I had been averaging vomiting about once or twice a week, but this week I've lost it three times in the last five days. I just never thought that "morning sickness" would be this way. I thought I'd be sick for a couple of hours and then totally fine the rest of the day. Not so much. It's more like feel good for an hour, crappy for two, etc.

Work makes me miserable, and I don't even do hard work. I sit in a chair at my desk for most of the day. I think having to be up and walking around and talking etc. makes me more tired. I know it sounds pathetic, but these days all I want is to have my elastic waisted sweats on and recline or lay down. I have my desk chair leaned back as far as it will go, but that doesn't make typing very ergonomic. Oh well, at least it takes the pressure off my tummy and my belt. :0)I still have not gotten any maternity pants, although I REALLY need to. I've moved down three notches on my belt already.

So far pregnancy is no barrel of monkeys, but I know I will endure and my reward at the end will be more than worth it.

I do have to say though, I've been reading some blogs on twin parenting and pregnancy. They are scaring me :0)

Thursday, November 19, 2009

So sleepy today...

I'm so tired today. My eyes are burning they want to close so bad. I slept so awesome two nights ago I thought last night could be the same. Sadly not.

I sleep with a air conditioning unit in the window - running on just the fan when it's not hot. The noise blocks out the neighborhood noise and the occasional train. Even the TV when hubby has it loud in the living room. Anyway, we've had some pretty gnarly wind storms coming through this week, so last night as I'm trying to fall asleep the power kept flickering which made the a/c power off then come back on. This of course kept me awake. Then of course there is the getting up to pee a couple of times. Then I had to get up for water because I forgot to bring a glass back with me. And the icing on the cake? The living room smoke detector started chirping sometime in the night. Apparently it's ready for the batteries to be changed. Every time it chirped I woke up. Add it all together and you get a pretty crappy night of sleep.

I was already tired this morning, but now it is worse. I had a fun little vomiting episode at work this morning too. So my stomach and back muscles are sore on top of it. I can't wait to go home. I might even take a nap!

On a side note, I don't know if it is the change in the weather or if it's pregnancy related, but I am so phlegmy lately. Okay, this is gross...I can't really blow it all out I have to hack it up...and I think that's what made me vomit this morning. I could feel the crud in my throat and I went to the bathroom to "expel" it and that lead to gagging and then some pretty bad vomiting. Anyway, it sucks to have a head full of that crap every day - although it's the worst in the morning.

That's all for now. I figured I'd blog for a few minutes to try and keep me from laying my head down on my desk...that took all of five minutes. Three more hours to go...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

10w4d appointment


There are the pics!

Appointment went good - yay! The two little gummi's were flipping around and moving all over when the doc was trying to measure them. He measured their neck for signs of down syndrome - I forget the name at the moment. They both looked great. The doc offered to have to do blood tests for DS, but I declined. I don't see a point.

Anyway, now they are about an inch and a half long. About double from two weeks ago. I go in for another u/s in two weeks! Hopefully this one we can do on the tummy. We tried today, but could only see the sacs.

Ta ta for now!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Adorable Dr. Seuss themes!

I know, I know, I should be working, but I just had to tell you about this awesome Web site! It's Design Dazzle she has awesome pictures of nurseries, kids rooms and teenagers rooms. She also has baby shower ideas. I just had to share this one...

http://designdazzle.blogspot.com/2009/07/baby-shower-ideas-dr-seuss.html

Look at those Thing 1 and 2 cupcakes! Aren't they just the cutest!

This is the nursery. I love the mural, and the dresser!

http://designdazzle.blogspot.com/2009/10/sweet-dr-seuss-nursery.html

I've never considered a Dr. Seuss theme, but looking at this has me thinking...

Monday, November 16, 2009

I think they hate me already

My two little inch long babies are kicking my butt! Shame of me for thinking that I was doing better! On Saturday I finally ventured out and left the house for a while. A whole three hours. This is the first time in almost a month that I left the house on a weekend to go somewhere other than the grocery store.

I decided on Friday night to make some stew. While it was simmering in the oven for two hours the aroma permeated the house. And I got nauseous. The smell of the beef and the onions and the garlic was so gross! I couldn't wait for it to be done so I could cool it down and throw it in the fridge. After it made it to the fridge I couldn't get the smell out of the house. It was too cold to open windows so I lit candles. Then the house smelled like peaches, vanilla, and stew. Mmm...

Anyway, back to Saturday. I decided since my mom has been busy with doing these bazaars/craft shows whoring some S.centsy products, and my dad has been off hunting, that I would bring the stew to their house for them to eat. So I drove down to their house, then up to Olympia to visit her at her event. Then I was off to shop for some materials for the Christmas presents I'm attempting. I can't talk about it on here because there are some peeps who read this who will be receiving my attempted craftiness. I went to a few stores looking for stuff. I quickly lost steam after picking up only one of the items I needed. By the time I got home I was exhausted and my head was pounding. We ordered some Chinese for dinner and I feel asleep on the couch about 7:30. At 8:30 my head was still pounding after taking some Tyl.enol and I was nauseous, so I went to bed.

I slept until about 9:30 on Sunday - I guess I was that tired. I got up and had to eat right away because I was feeling pukey and I was starving. I ate a couple of Eggos...and then about a half an hour later I lost the down the drain. I proceeded to vomit for several minutes straight. The whole day I was on the verge of losing it again. I managed to eat a little here and there, but kept getting up and running to the kitchen sink. Thankfully I didn't puke again, but man, it was close.

Now, Monday, I am home. I didn't go to work today. I wasn't feeling too hot, and there was nothing at work that had to be done so I chilled for the day. I've had a queasy stomach, but no close calls so far.

I think the worst part of the nausea is the burping along with it, it's like a hiccup/burp...so gross and I'm always scared I'm going to barf when I do that. Ugh. Pregnancy is so glamorous!

Ultrasound on Wednesday - woohoo!

Friday, November 13, 2009

In other news...

My first post this morning was just supposed to be a recap of what's going on, how I'm feeling etc. Well, it went a different direction, and that's fine. I guess I needed to get that off my chest.

But in other news, I'm actually feeling better than I have the last couple of weeks. For a while I was super nauseous for a few hours in the morning. On the verge of vomiting the whole time. Then I'd feel okay for the afternoon and then after dinner I'd be laid out on the couch for the night.

This week THANKFULLY, I'm doing better. I'm still a little queasy in the morning, but it nothing like it was. Mostly, I'm really mucousy and trying to get rid of that in the mornings makes me gag and come close to puking. I do for sure have to eat something either before I leave the house or in the car on the way to work. If I wait too long it makes me really sick. My breakfast of choice has been a bagel and cream cheese. Then when I get to work I have a banana or an apple or something. I've discovered that peanut butter doesn't like me anymore. I still like it, but it makes my stomach hurt.

Smells are still really bothering me. It seems I've adopted my basset hounds nose. I can smell other peoples food from a mile away. Perfume is especially bad.

I've managed to make dinner twice this week. I made some minestrone soup, which tasted pretty good, but I can't bring myself to eat the left overs so they are going in the freezer tonight. I also made a roast with potatoes and carrots and that was super yummy. I scarfed almost half of it the first night, hubby at a little (he's been sick :0() and then I polished it off the next day. I have the fixin's for beef stew, but I didn't manage to get that prepared last night to go in the crock pot today, so that will have to be dinner tomorrow. I'm not normally a huge beef eater. I like it and I do eat it occasionally, but normally we have chicken for dinner. Lately, I've had a hard time with chicken, so I'll eat what I can. It beats the toast, Eggos, and cold cereal I lived off of for the first few weeks.

On one more note - finding maternity clothes sucks. I hate clothes shopping anyway, because I'm tall and well, wide. It's hard to find stuff that fits and looks okay. I was dreading having to find maternity pants, but I had no choice since I've already had to start wearing mine unbuttoned with a rubber band about the button and hole. It turns out it is really hard to even find a store that carries maternity clothes to begin with. I've tried Sh.opko, Wal.mart, K.ohls, and Tar.get so far. I have Se.ars, JC.Penny, and Ol.dNa.vy left to try before I start hitting up Mo.therhood, etc. I have a hard time justifying spending a bunch of money on clothes I'm going to wear for less than a year. But really, what choice do I have. My rubber bands only stretch so far :0) I did look at belly.bands or whatever they're called at T.arg.et, but of course they didn't have my size...

I think that's about it for now. Of course my hiney is still recovering from all the shots, and it's still tender, but I'm loving going to bed every night when I want and not having to wait for Hubs to get home from work to inject me!

On that note, I better get back to work. Two hours left before the weekend! Woohoo!

P.S. Tomorrow I'm 10 weeks already!!!! Next u/s is on Wednesday!

Not myself

I have debated about writing about this for a little bit now for fear of having rotten vegetables thrown at me, but...

Other than the initial excitement about getting a positive pregnancy test, and of course finding out that it's twins, I have not been excited about this pregnancy at all. Shame on me, I know. I mean seriously, how many years have I been trying for this. How much time, money and tears have been spent. Believe me, it's not that I'm not grateful for getting here, and up until recently I had no idea why I was feeling this way. I have discovered though, it is fear. I am so scared about bringing two little helpless babies into this world. Not only sustaining them and growing them through the next 6-7 months, but what about the time after they're born? What about the next 18 years? If having one baby isn't scary enough, we will have two.

Financially as it is right now, things are tight. We bought a house three years ago with a ridiculously high interest rate. I looked into refinancing, but for different reasons, we aren't able to lower our payment. This will no do. We have to do something. We need to move. I can't imagine us surviving the way things are now, much less with two little babies to take care of. Of course Hubby "doesn't want to think about it right now", but sorry bub...we ain't got much time.

I think I'm just a little stressed about the future. I'm the type of person who like to have things all planned out and squared away. I can't plan anything. I can't plan my time off work because who knows when these two munchkins will arrive. I can't plan the nursery, because I doubt we will be in this house. I can't plan an a place to move, because who knows when we'll sell - or if.

I know this is supposed to be a joyous time in my life. I'm supposed to be enjoying being pregnant and planning for our future, but I just can't. I get a sick feeling everytime I get an email from b.aby.cen.ter with how I'm progressing this week. Time is going really fast.

I find myself faking joy everyday when I'm bombarded by coworkers asking how I'm feeling and telling me how excited they are for me and are they boys are girls, what do we want to name them, etc. I just can't get into it. Even Hubby is more excited than I am, and he's usually the one who stresses about things to come. I just feel like such an asshole. I don't want to complain. I feel like I'm taking this for granted, but right now, it seems like more of a burden than anything.

I'm sorry, I know it's horrible, but it's how I feel. Maybe my hormones will shift again and in a week or so things will change.

Please hold on your your heads of lettuce and tomatoes, I feel bad enough already.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Oh happy day!

If I could do cart wheels I would!!

Dr. M just called (yes, at noon on Sunday) and said my progesterone looks great and I don't need to do the shots anymore!!!! I am so happy! It's so good in fact, I don't even have to have it tested anymore. I just go back for my ultrasound the week after next.

We've been doing these injections since September 19.

So happy!

P.S. This is my 200th post! I can't believe I've posted so much in the last 15 months. I love blogging and reading blogs, it's been such a good outlet. I'm so thankful for all you fellow bloggers, readers, and commenters!!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Bummed

I had my progesterone tested on WEDNESDAY! I have still not heard from the doctor. I knew they wouldn't get my results until Thursday, so yesterday I had my phone attached to my hip. No call. I waited until this afternoon, but still nothin. I finally called and the nurse told me my level went up from 53 last week to 59. I'm so happy, but...

She said to continue doing what I'm doing until I hear from Dr. M. I was expecting a call today, but now it's 8pm and still no call. I guess I will have to continue the shots until at least Monday. I'll call again if I haven't heard...or maybe I'll continue until my next test on Wednesday.

Sigh.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

8w4d appointment

I had another u/s appointment today. Everything is still looking good. I still haven't been able to hear the heartbeats, but we saw them again today flickering away!

I had my progesterone test this morning, but they won't get the results back until tomorrow, so I have at least one more injection left...

Sorry I haven't posted much lately, there really hasn't been much to report. I'm still nauseous and starving all the time. Although, I haven't vomited since last Friday, so that's good. I've been extremely lazy and tired. My two 15 minute breaks at work are my nap times. I go down to our breakroom and lay on the couch and sleep for at least 10 mins. At home I change into my pj's right away and veg out on the couch for the night. I have been sleeping better, so that's a bonus. I'm not tossing and turning like I was. I am still getting up a couple of times a night to pee though.

I think that is about it. I have another appointment in two weeks, and I'm to continue my progesterone blood draws once a week.

OH!! I did get vaccinated for H1N1 while I was at the doctor's office today. I was really on the fence about it, so I decided I'd leave it up to the doc. If he insisted I'd do it. He firmly told me I needed it and I should get it before I left. So I did. I figure this way I don't have to stress about catching it and running from every cough or sneeze I hear.

Okay, really, I think that's it. Now on to the fun part - pictures!




They are still measuring 2 days apart, but the doc is not concerned. He said that is very normal, and it is still a little hard to measure since they are so small. Although two weeks ago they were grains of rice, now they are almost an inch long!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Progesterone Test

Dr. M called and left me a vm this morning. My progesterone went back up to 53 from 40 last week. He said to lower my dose to 1/2 cc and and have another test next Wednesday. If that number is still high we might be able to stop the injections!! I hope so! I have forgotten what it feels like to NOT have a sore hiney!

Anyway, just wanted to give a quick update...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

H1N1 vaccine

I am sooo on the fence on this one. When I went in for my blood draw this morning I was informed they now have the vaccine in their office. I was secretly hoping that they wouldn't get it for a long time so I wouldn't have to decide if I should get it or not.

I'm mostly leaning towards no. I know that being pregnant lowers my immune system, but I have no underlying conditions. I'm not far enough along for the babies to be pushing on my lungs and restricting my breathing. I have never in my adult...or teen life had the flu that I can remember. I know the biggest issue with H1N1 is that it is a new strain of the flu that we are not immune to, like some of the seasonal bugs, and it is more contagious.

I realized today that for the last four years we've been trying to have a baby. God chose this year, this time of the year, for me to get pregnant. Not that I think I have some divine immune system or anything, but I don't think He would choose this time and then have me die of H1N1. I have been doing a lot of research, but I have a hard time trusting anything the government says. I'm not some conspiracy theorist, but I just can't blindly trust them. Of course everyone and their mother has an opinion about the vaccine. I'm asking for yours. What would you do? Would you get it? Not get it? Why?

I'm also lucky because my office knows about my pregnancy and they are doing all they can to protect me. No one is allowed to use my computer or my phone unless necessary and if they do then they are to tell me so I can disinfect it. They have put disinfecting wipes at all common areas such as copiers, fax machines, the kitchens, etc. On Friday we are having the staff bring their kids in to "trick or treat" around the office. During those few hours I'm going into hiding. I have a project I'm going to work on behind closed doors. I don't need any snot-nosed kids getting my sick :0)

I also think I am exposed to the public less than some. I'm pretty much a homebody. Other than doing the grocery shopping or running errands occasionally, I'm at home. I'm an avid hand washer and I keep hand sanitizer in my purse.

Anyway, I wanted to throw this out there and see what y'all think. I'd love to hear your opinions. I'm planning to talk about this with my doc next week when I have my u/s...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

7w3d

Not much has changed since my last post. I'm still going between starving and nauseous. Yesterday was the first time I tossed my cookies though. I was brushing my teeth before work and I lost it. I have been really close a few times since then, but thankfully I've held back.

I can't believe how lazy I've been. All weekend I was basically on the couch. Hubby and I did run to my parents and his mom's for a bit and we did some grocery shopping on Saturday, but that was it. And I was pooped Saturday night. I think I was in bed by 9:30.

I'm still doing 1cc of the PIO injections. I go tomorrow for a blood draw to check my progesterone levels. Hopefully I'll be done with those suckers soon!

I feel like Ms. Pig.gy lately, I think about every 2 hours or so I have to eat and sometimes I'm not satisfied afterward. I have to be really careful what I am stuffing in my face especially with having to eat so often. Yesterday I splurged and had a cheeseburger thinking that would stay with me longer. Nope. I was hungry again a couple of hours later. And when I say hungry, I don't mean I have the munchies. It is a hunger that makes me want a whole meal!

Work has been torture. For one, I'm not too busy. I have little piddly things to do, but nothing that forces me to keep working non-stop. I find that I sit and stare out my window for 10 mins at a time. Or check my email or blogger 15 times a day. I just feel so crappy and tired I'd LOVE it if I could be at home laying on the couch.

I'm really looking forward to seeing my little grains of rice on the monitor next week.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Feeling like poo

Although I was expecting morning sickness, I didn't really know what to expect. Even though I haven't thrown up yet, I've felt like I've been on the verge for a few hours already today.

Last week is when it started, but it was just off and on for short spurts throughout the day. Now, it is for most of the day. I have to eat small meals often because if I eat too much I feel sick and if I get hungry I feel sick. Last night I made some chicken, green beans and some pasta...it smelled good while I was cooking it, but when it came time to eat it sounded so gross! I choked some of it down, but I was so hungry I knew I had to eat. I ate as much as I could then half an hour later I got myself a bowl of Chex.

Yesterday was by far the hungriest I've been too. I felt like a bottomless pit. I was telling a couple of my friends today how it is even possible for two little beings the size of a grain of rice can suck the life right out of me already? Believe me I do not want to complain about this one bit. I know it is temporary, and if I want a baby...or two...I will have to endure. It doesn't make it all rainbows and sunshine though :0)

I came into work 2 1/2 hours late today. I woke up so exhausted because I haven't slept well for the last 3 weeks or so. I decided if I was going to be nauseous, which I knew I would, I didn't want to be exhausted too. So I slept until 9:30 this morning then got ready and was to work by 10:30. Since then, I've felt pretty crummy. I had some breakfast before I came in, and for the last 1/2 hour I've been nibbling on a tiny cup of applesauce. All I wanna do is lay down :0)

Thanks goodness it's Friday! I have two whole days to be lazy!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Picsas!


Here they are in all their blurry glory! Ladies (and if there are any gentlemen out there), I present to you Baby A and Baby B!


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Seeing Double!!

You read right. There are two beautiful flickering heartbeats! Hubby and I are so excited! I have a baby A and baby B picture to post, but I have to figure out how to block out some info first. I'll get those posted for you tomorrow. Of course you can't see much, they are just little blobs in the picture, but on the live u/s the heartbeats were awesome! We didn't get to hear them, but we got to see the little flickers.

I have to continue my PIO injections (bummer) and I go next week to do a progesterone test. Then another u/s the next week. I can't believe this is happening. I am in dreamland right now.

Well, I'm off to start day dreaming of names, and nurseries and books to read...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I decided to battle, and I won

Actually, it wasn't much of a battle at all.

Like I said in my previous post, having my mom go the appointment was bugging me since she asked. After posting I decided I might as well call her. It is obviously important to me if I kept dwelling on it. I didn't even need to grow a pair. I figured she'd understand, and if she didn't it was her problem.

I called my parent's house and my dad answered the phone. My mom wasn't home so he said he'll have her call me. About 15 mins later she called. I simply asked her if she wouldn't mind if we went alone to the appointment. She said no problem! She said she understands it's a intimate thing and that is why she asked if it was okay. I told her I felt bad because I knew she was excited. She really was okay with it, believe me, I can tell from her tone. I promised I would call her as soon as we were done.

I'm so relieved. Yes, I was mad that she is only choosing to be involved in the "good stuff", but it also was the fact that so much of the fertility treatments are not personal and private. I wanted to have a moment with Hubby to share (even though the doc and the nurse will be there - and of course I will be probed). Still...I think you know what I mean.

I feel so much better. Like there is a weight lifted from my chest. Ah...

Picking my battles

My mother...

I've mentioned her before and her lack of interest in all my "depressing" fertility treatments. Although I tried not to let it bother me, it really made me sad, that I could never go to my mom for support.

Now, that I am apparently pregnant (still can't believe it), she has decided to be involved - go figure. Last weekend we were talking about my upcoming appointment this week and she says "I wanna go!". I'm like "...uh...well...okaaaaay...". She then said to check with Hubby first to make sure he's okay with it and she doesn't want to intrude - or something like that. I ask Hubby and he says it's fine. I called her yesterday to let her know that she could go.

Last night I was thinking about it more and I was really pissed about it. How dare she not give a shit about the last two years of my life, and how I struggled emotionally, financially and physically to get to where I am. Now that I am in a "happy" place, she decides to join the fun. I was talking to Hubby about it last night and I asked if it would be terrible of me to call her back and tell her I'd rather not have her go. He said I should pick my battles. Let her go this time, but let her know in the future when things aren't okay for her to tag along to if I don't want her there.

Thanks for letting me vent for a minute. I was thinking about it again today and I just get really annoyed. I wish I could grow "a pair" and stand up to her more. Maybe now with my raging hormones I will. I would really like to have the opportunity someday to (nicely) tell her how much her actions - or lack there of - have hurt my feelings.

Someday.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Hanging out

So there isn't much to do these days without the strict schedule of my fertility treatments. I kind of feel lost, like I have all this time on my hands and nothing to do with it. I need a hobby.

Nothing really new to report. Everytime I say I have a symptom is seems to go away or morph into something else. Thankfully the heartburn has been gone for a while. I'm still REALLY tired and occasionally nauseous...but hey...I can deal. Oh and I go from cranky to crying in almost no time. Thankfully Hubby is so patient with me!!

I didn't get a chance to actually talk to the doc last week when he called. I was at a work event and the building I was in didn't get cell service (ugh!). I got a voicemail from him though and he basically said my numbers are still going up and we'll see you next week for your u/s.

So, that's about it. I'm just waiting for my appointment on Wednesday. I'll let you know how it goes!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Beta #3

9,721!!!



It just keeps getting higher - yay!

The doc will call me again tonight to discus. My progesterone level is up to 54...we'll see if he doesn't lower my dose or if we still aren't going to "rock the boat".

First u/s next Wednesday! Eeek!

Below is the newest chart:



Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The eve of beta #3

Wednesdays are turning into the most stressful day of the week, and the anticipation leading up to it is almost just as bad. Thankfully though the last few weeks have gone by fairly quickly. I am very anxious for the results already and I haven't even had my blood drawn. I may have to call them tomorrow afternoon again if I just can't control myself :0)

The people who know about whats going on are asking me how I'm feeling. My answer: Blah. I know "blah" is not technically a symptom of pregnancy, but I think it falls into several categories: fatigue, moodiness, heartburn, and nausea. Food still doesn't sound good, but I've had to eat pretty much every 3 hours or so or else the heartburn gets really bad. My diet has two new items that are eaten more often than any other food (not counting gum), and those are Tums and saltines. Mmm...yummy breakfast.

The nausea isn't constant, it comes in waves. I felt good yesterday and today until about 8:30. Almost exactly at that time I had to run to my sleeve of saltines. After about 15 mins it goes away for a while. I'm a little nervous just because this is only week 5, so I'm kinda scared that it's going to get worse. Maybe I should invest in one of those buckets that can go around my neck like horses have for grain. Then I could walk around the office and just use that if I get sick. Okay, ya, that's gross...but like I said before, I'll do anything.

My keester is still sore from all the injections. Hopefully we only have a week of those left. I'm hoping I can stop the progesterone all together or at least go the the suppositories. I know those aren't a joy either, but at least they don't hurt.

My ta-tas are still sore. They seem to be the worst at night when I release them from the confines of my bra and it's a little tough to get comfortable to go to bed with the weight of them and the blankets touching them.

I don't care about any of this though. I'm not going to complain one bit. The more symptoms I have the better. I'm just taking it one week at a time and trying to enjoy it as much as I can. Besides, it's kind of nice to have an excuse to be lazy and sit on the couch all night reading magazines because I don't have the energy to do anything else :0)

And...I have to share that ever night since we found out the test was positive when Hubby "tucks me in" he always says "Goodnight Guys!" It's really cute :0) Soon we'll find out just how many little guys he's actually talking to!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Pinch me!

I can't really believe this is happening to me yet. Having the words "I'm" and "pregnant" in the same sentence just sounds so awkward! Only two other people know in addition to the original few who found out when I had my first test. I still want to hold back telling anyone else until at least my ultrasound. Then we'll go from there.

As for symptoms...heart burn has been the constant so far. When I talk to the doc I'm going to see what else I can take besides Tums. Those only work for about a 1/2 hour and they are nasty to chew and swallow. Another thing is sleepiness. I'm so tired! Granted I've slept like crap for the last two weeks and part of that is to blame on my mattress. It had been a while since it was flipped and we did that last night. I slept so much better, but now here it is 1:30 in the afternoon and I want a nap. I won't lie, I've sat here and closed my eyes for a few minutes at a time. I desperately want to lay my head down on my desk, but I don't for fear of snoring! :0)

Occasionally I've been having some uterine cramping, I'm taking as a good sign that things are going on down there. I'm really curious for my u/s to see if my left over follies are still around. I have a feeling there are a couple of lingering ones left. Sometimes if I move just the right way I feel them, and definitely when I'm laying on my stomach. I know there really isn't anything to do about them unless they get too huge and out of control.

I do go through phases of massive thirst and hunger though, but it's off and on. This morning my appetite was raging. I felt like I was eating all morning. I finally took lunch at 11 and splurged on a burger and fries. I felt like I was allowed since I've been doing so good the last few weeks. I don't have any food aversions yet, but food in general just doesn't sound good. When trying to figure out lunch or dinner I'll just pick somethign to eat because I'm hungry, not because it sounds good...which isn't all bad. Except for today and my burger.

Other than that I'm feeling fine...if I didn't know I was pregnant I probably wouldn't think much of this stuff at all.

Of course my keyboard/mouse is getting a workout from spending so much time on Google. I've kind of ran out of things to look at for right now though, so I'll have to wait until something else happens.

Hooray for Friday! I can't wait to sleep in! Have a good weekend all!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Just talked to the doc

The doctor called. He was very encouraged by my numbers and confirmed I am right where I should be.

Next step: have another test done next Wednesday, then the week after that I'll have my first ultrasound!!!!

I think I will continue to be in shock until I see the heartbeat. I can't believe this. I'm just shocked.

I did ask about the progesterone. I asked if I could switched to the suppositories instead of the injections. He thought about it and decided since things are going so well, he doesn't want to "rock the boat", so until the ultrasound we'll continue the injections. Bummer. But oh well, I'll do ANYTHING. He said my progesterone level is 40 something...which is high, but he didn't want to change the dose right now either.

Fine with me. I'll do injections the whole 9 months if I have to.

Well, I hope I can finally get some decent sleep tonight now that the major stress is over, for now.

The results are in *drum roll...*

It's official! I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last Monday's (9/28) level: 12
Today's level: 1,020!!

I finally broke down and called them because I was dying at my desk. The receptionist told me my level. The doc will call me later with the progesterone results and we'll figure out where I go from here. I'm assuming I'll do some more bloodwork and then an ultrasound in the next week or two...but we'll see.

I'm just so flippin' excited.

Thank you God for blessing me with this gift. I will cherish it forever.

And thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes. I truly am grateful!

And here is a little calculator I found...I'm right on track!



Assessment: The Two-Day hCG rise was 204 % and is considered adequate.
First hCG: 12 mIU/ml
Second hCG: 1020 mIU/ml

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

An award for me!

Thanks Kacy for nominating me. It's my first one :0) I think it's the Your Blog is Over the Top award - since I saw the same thing on someone else's earlier :0)



Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? frustrating
4. Your father? changed
5. Your favorite food? cereal
6. Your dream last night? many
7. Your favorite drink? Dr. Pepper
8. Your dream/goal? family
9. What room are you in? living room
10. Your hobby? TTC
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? satisfied
13. Where were you last night? bed
14. Something that you aren’t? mom
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? kindle
17. Where did you grow up? WA
18. Last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? PJ's
20. Your TV? On
21. Your pets? Spoiled
22. Friends? Few
23. Your life? stressful
24. Your mood? anxious
25. Missing someone? Tianna
26. Vehicle? CR-V
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Kohls
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When was the last time you laughed? dunno
31. Last time you cried? last Monday
32. Your best friend? Hubby
33. One place that I go to over and over? Pharmacy
34. One person who emails me regularly? Martha Stewart
35. Favorite place to eat? Mercato

Recipients
1- Little Rider Baby
2- Impatient with PCOS
3- Just Jess
4- Journey to Our Wondraful Baby
5- Conceive This!
6- The Davis 5

Monday, October 5, 2009

I was doing so good!

Now the anxiety has hit me!

Last week went by faster than I thought, even this weekend wasn't bad. But, man, today is torture. I did good until about 11am this morning. All of a sudden my chest got tight and my heart was pounding in my chest. It would last about 5 seconds and go away. It is still doing it a few hours later. The waiting is killing me. I'll just be sitting at my desk working and wham! it hits me. I even took my pulse and it was approximately 88bpm. Which I think it pretty high for just sitting at my desk.

Damn Google too. I've been Googling like crazy - and Hubby isn't happy with me about it. I can't help it though. I wish today my office cut off my Internet connection so I didn't have the world.wide.web. at my fingertips. I really wish I knew was my first test result was too, but I don't. I've thought about calling and asking, but that would just have me obsessing even more. Most everything I read says it doesn't matter the number as long as it's doubling like it's supposed to. I'll find out on Wednesday.

I'm sure today and tomorrow are going to be a breeze compared to the hours and hours I'll have to wait to get the results on Wednesday.

**breathe in...and out...breathe in...**

Sunday, October 4, 2009

3 days left!

Only three more days! I can't wait. Honestly though, I've been busy enough the last week that it hasn't gone as slow as I thought - and I'm so thankful!

My hiney is so sore from being injected every day the last month. My ta-ta's are still pretty sore, but they don't seem as bad as they were. I've also been having some ovarian pain, sometimes it's a sharp pain and sometimes it's just crampy. I'm not surprised at all since I have follies, which I'm sure are cysts now, that didn't go away when I ovulated. It's not an unfamiliar feeling, so I'm not too worried.

Unfortunately, more people than I wanted to tell have found out about my "faint" positive. I just hope for my sake that my little bean continues to grow and I don't have to break the news of the failure. Despite my effort, I can't help but be excited and day dream about the possibilities. It didn't help shopping for my friends baby shower and attending it yesterday. She got so many cute things for her little baby girl that I kept thinking that I'll need this or that or want this or that. It's tough. It was a good day though. I'm glad it was this weekend and not next weekend if I do end up not actually being pregnant anymore. I don't think I would have been able to go.

Well, not much to report. I do another booster HCG injection tonight, and continue the PIO...

I don't remember if I mentioned it before, but my spotting stopped on Wednesday afternoon, and I have seen anymore since - and believe me, I thoroughly inspect every piece of TP. :0)

And one last thing...I've definitely had some changes with my sniffer. On Friday in particular I seemed to smell things a lot stronger..and my taste buds are a little wacky. I can't stand milk right now and my appetite has been weird. I wonder if the booster HCG makes me experience these side effects??? Who knows.

Have a good week - and I'll give you an update on Wednesday!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The most beautiful song ever!

I just heard this song on So You T.hink Y.ou Can.Dance. As soon as it started I choked up. I think it is so beautiful! It's called "Your Hands" by JJ Heller.

I couldn't upload the video, but you can listen to it at this link.

Here are the lyrics. Seriously. This is a tear jerker.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

No more rollercoaster - now I'm a yo-yo

Man, I though I didn't like roller coasters...we'll I don't like yo-yo's either. I feel more like a yo-yo the last 36 hours. There isn't a gradual rise to happiness and drop to depression like the 'coaster. It's more of one minute I'm excited and the next I'm scared.

The spotting is still sticking around. It got a lot better yesterday then came back last night. Today it is light again. I'm also a little nervous because I keep having cramping. Sometimes it feels ovarian and sometimes it feel like my ute. I'm hoping it is just ovarian and all those left over follies are going away. The doc did bump up my PIO from 1/2 a cc to 1cc.

Monday night Hubby had me buy a test so I could prove to him that it was positive. It's funny, even thought I knew it would be I was so nervous while we waiting the 3 minutes for it to process. And yes, it was positive - a faint positive.

It's funny how while I was in all my two-week-waits before, I'd make excuses for every little thing being a pregnancy symptom. Now, I'm making excuses for things that could be a symptom not being one. For example:
  • Yesterday, all day, I had mega heartburn. That is a definite symptom of early pregnancy. BUT, I also get heartburn when I eat any sort of oats, like granola, oatmeal, etc. Yesterday for breakfast I had a granola bar. I think I took two tums three times yesterday. Usually I can take Tums once and it will go away.
  • I have been mega tired. I chalked up this weekend to being exhausted from working so much last week. The last two night's I've been ready for bed by 9-9:30 (usually I go to bed about 11). I'm blaming this on my emotional day Monday and yesterday shopping with my mom for a couple of hours.

One more thing before I get back to work (bad employee!). I told my mom last night. I didn't want to and wasn't planning on it until I had my next test result next week. I've talked about her before and how she has been completely uninterested in my treatments for the last two years. She never asks and when I tell her anything she changes the subject. When I asked her once if she read my blog she said no, because it depresses her. Thanks mom. So you can see my hesitation to tell her...Anyway, last night we went shopping for a friend of mine's baby shower this weekend (Hi R!). The whole hour we spent wandering around the baby aisles I wanted to tell her so bad (I may be a glutton for punishment)! But I didn't. We finished our shopping and went out for dinner. Just as we're starting to eat she asks if I have gotten my test results back yet from my last treatment. I about choked. She has NEVER asked me this before. I couldn't lie. So I told her that I did on Monday but that it was faint and I wanted to wait until next week...blah, blah, blah...

She freaks. She is so happy. She said that she wanted to ask so bad while we were shopping but it was negative she didn't want to upset me while we were in the baby aisle. (very thoughtful of her). She also told me a couple of weeks ago when some family was in from out of town, they went to Ik.ea and she was going through the nursery area looking at furniture.

The thing that shocked me the most though, is while my aunts were here. They were supposed to come over to see my house the day I found out we would be doing IVF. It was a bad emotional day for me so I called her and told her what was going on - in between sobs - and asked if we could do it another day. They came over the next day and I didn't tell her about the change of plans - why would I, it "depresses" her. So Friday morning, the day I was supposed to have the retrieval, she calls to see how I'm doing. I tell her I'm fine that plans changed, etc. She didn't say much and we hung up. Back to my point...while we were at dinner last night she tells me that that Friday morning, she has sent a text to all her "praying" friends and family and asked them to pray for me. I couldn't believe it. It was so nice of her to do that - and so out of the ordinary. Sadly, I have to say a lot of the time my mom is pretty selfish. But this shocked me.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the last 36 hours of my life. It's been up and down...and I only see it continuing (or even getting worse) until my next test on Wednesday. *sigh*

Monday, September 28, 2009

I'm breathing again

Actually, not only am I breathing again...but I'm freaking out because....my test was POSITIVE!!!

Sorry to keep you in suspense all day, but I had to make sure a couple people found out in person instead of reading it on my blog.

Now, don't go getting your hopes up too high. The doctor called it a faint positive. He said the HCG was low, but not low enough to be residual hormones from my HCG injection I got 12 days ago. After I got the call I had to come straight in to their office to get a booster HCG injection. Every three days until next Wednesday I'm to do 2cc's of HCG. I have to wait all the way until next Wednesday to take another test. I think the next 10 days will be more torturous than the last 12. Even if this doesn't work out, at least I know my body isn't completely broken. Just getting a positive is a huge feat!

I've read very little about booster HCG injections, but from what I read the extra HCG tricks your body to make more progesterone which makes a happy home for the little bean. I'm also continuing to take the PIO injections and the doc said he is retesting my progesterone from my blood they took this morning to see if we need to up my dose. Right now I'm only taking 1/2 a cc. I'm done with the baby aspirin since I'm spotting. Hopefully tomorrow the spotting gets better. One of my friends said that she had periods for the first three months with her son. A coworker told me she had a couple of friends to also had periods...I can live with the blood as long as my hormones keep going up.

Thank you all for your good wishes and prayers - please keep 'em coming!

Holding my breath

The spotting I had yesterday is still here. I don't think it has gotten any worse...but it hasn't gotten better either.

I called the doctor's office this morning and talked to the doctor. He just told me to come in for a pregnancy test. I had my blood drawn this morning and I am IMpatiently waiting for my results. The nurse who drew my blood says he typically calls the same day with results. I hope so.

My first reaction when he told me to come in for a test was panic. The test is so final. It is either positive or negative. No gray area. At least with spotting I can teeter on the fence about whether is it my period or not. I'm scared.

I'm scared because this is it no matter what the result. If it's positive then obviously we're done. But if it's negative...we're done for at least a year. We have to not only pay off what we owe to the doctor's office, but we also would need to save for IVF. I'm done messing around with IUI's.

Of course I'll let you know when/if I hear from him today. I have my box of tissues ready...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

So confused

Part of me thinks my body is failing me again. But I don't know.

I'm spotting. I don't know how that's possible since I'm still taking the PIO injections, but I am.

I had some mild cramping earlier, but it almost felt like ovarian cramping. I thought maybe it was one of my follies that didn't burst getting bigger or finally bursting. Who knows. All I know is that I noticed the spotting this after noon, and gradually it is getting worse. I'm calling the docs office in the morning to see what's up.

Today is only 10 dpo...too soon for AF, right???

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I made it through!

The third week in September is the busiest week for our office each year. We host our annual event for about 270(ish) of our members. It's three days long...and each day is packed full of different events. I did a rough estimate of the hours I've worked since Sunday (yes, I went in to the office over the weekend to wrap stuff up) is about 48 - and it's only Thursday. I am exhausted.

While I was gone I had to continue to give myself my PIO shots. Yes, you read right. I had to give MYSELF my PIO shots. Hubby wasn't there and it had to be done. I spent Sunday night watching some videos on Yo.uTu.be about giving PIO shots. I finally got brave enough to do it (but really, what choice did I have?). The first injection I gave myself on Tuesday was easy. I just woke up, walked into the bathroom prepped and stuck it in. I didn't give myself a second to think about it or get all worked up about it. I think that was the best. It went in almost pain free and didn't really bleed much at all.

The second injection on Wednesday morning was a little worse, but still okay. The needle didn't want to go in so that was a little painful, but I survived. Thankfully, I'm home now, so Hubby can do the injections again, but I'm so proud of myself to conquer (again) my fear of needles.

I do have to say that the shots themselves aren't really that bad (nothing worse than the Menopur or the Fostimon), but man, oh, man, is my muscle sore a few hours later. My feet hurt from standing so much all day at work, but every time I sat down my keester would be sore from the shots. AND, the major sensitivity that I was feeling in my nipples is still there for the most part, but in the last few days my boobs are starting to be sore too. So much in fact that it is VERY uncomfortable to "release the girls" at the end of the day. I'm big chested, so the weight of them being "free" really pulls and hurts. You won't hear one peep of a complaint from me though. I'm hoping that all this pain and suffering up to this point will be worth it. We'll know if that's true in about a week.

I of course am expecting a negative result, but I can't help but hope that I will be blessed with just one little embryo sticking. I had my progesterone tested today. Hopefully the numbers will prove that I did for sure ovulate...what that doctor thinks is SIX eggs.

I'll keep you posted on any updates. I think I'm headed to bed shortly (even thought it's only 6:30pm). I'm absolutely exhausted.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Did my follicles burst?

Not all, but some did.

How many you ask? The doctor estimates that three on each side released an egg. That's right folks, I potentially ovulated SIX eggs!! I'm a little nervous. I never thought I'd hope that not all stuck...but I do. One for sure. Two would be nice, three would freak me out and any more than that, I don't know what I'd do. But, we'll cross that bridge when we get there :0)

I saw the doc this morning for my u/s. After telling me about the 6 eggs, he told me I need to start the PIO shots today. Bummer that I'll be out of town and away from Hubbs this week, so I'll need to plead and beg someone to do them for me. I wish they were just SQ (under the skin) injections, then I could just do them myself. It will be weird packing my suitcase with my clothes, toiletries, AND all the stuff I need for the injections.

I sure hope these next two weeks go by fast!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The waiting game has begun!

I had my second IUI yesterday. It went so well! It might have been the easiest and least uncomfortable one yet. I am so thankful!

Hubby's sperm numbers weren't too bad. The first IUI he had 15 million. He's had better (up to 50 mil), but it wasn't bad. Dr. M was satisfied. Yesterday he had 7 mil, but Dr. M said that's pretty good for the second day. Hopefully just one of those 22 million sperm found one of my eggs.

I was so extremely relieved that the IUI's went so well, because...the bloating I've been experiencing from the HCG shot and ovulating multiple eggs has been the worst it's been in the two years we've been doing treatments. Dr. M told me ahead of time that I might have some discomfort from releasing so many follicles. I don't know exactly why the HCG effects me more with multiples eggs, since I haven't bothered to Google it. It is what it is. Dr. M has been asking me how I've been doing and keeping notes just in case things get out of control

One of the dangers of OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), is blood clots. He told me to start some baby aspirin for a while, and to drink lots of water. I told him yesterday that in the morning I had drank about 40oz of water and not urinated until about 1pm. He made note of it and told me to continue to drink a lot of water. He felt my tummy and said it actually was looking pretty good. Which was a relief because I felt like a whale. He said some women get so bad their belly looks like they are pregnant and they have to have the fluid drained with a needle (yeck!).

Anywho, today I am feeling better, but still bloated. The thought of putting on pants without elastic is not appealing :0) I'm still drinking lots o' water and going to the bathroom more, so that's good.

Now I start my two week wait...hopefully for the last time...The first week should go by fast since I'll be so busy with work, but week two might be torture. We'll see. I'm still indifferent whether or not this cycle will work. I think just the relief of getting to ovulation is a huge weight of my shoulders, that I haven't really gotten a chance to think about the next two weeks. Hubby was saying last night that he is actually getting nervous that this time might work. It's our best chance yet. He said we've been trying to get pregnant for so long, what do we do when it actually happens? Which is true, it will be a shock - but of course a good one!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

One down, one to go

All went well today (hooray!). I was SOOO nervous before my appointment. I was completely freaked that Dr. M would have to use the tenaculum again. Thankfully, things went pretty smooth. I even took Tylenol about an hour before in case there was pain, but it was fine. I didn't cramp as much either, but the Tylenol might have helped with that.

Tomorrow I go in again. Then Dr. M wants me to start baby aspirin in a couple days to prevent any clots that could form. He said with releasing multiple eggs I run the risk of hyper stimulated ovaries, and with that comes the possibility of clots - hence the aspirin.

Well, that's about all folks. Thanks again for all your support!!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My head is spinning!!

First let me say thank you to all who commented! I really appreciate your comments and feedback!!

Okay...so this morning I had ANOTHER u/s (and blood draw). Again, the doc spent time measuring every follie on both ovaries. I probably had about 10-15 measurable follies on each. After the u/s we reviewed what was going on and what had/hadn't changed since yesterday. After using some formula to calculate it, he figured I will ovulate between 4-5 eggs. That being the case, he said the number is low enough for me to do IUI (our orignal plan), if I want. Or can can choose to go with IVF. The additional cost of IVF would be $3k. The odds of IVF will be better (about 51%). Or I can go with IUI. It is significantly cheaper, it was our original plan, and since there are multiple eggs being released the odds of pregnancy are higher than when I ovulate one. Normally it is around 20% for one follie (I think).

He said his formula he used is not exact, so I could release more or less. But, after factoring in the cost - and the fact that we are not financially prepared to drop an additional $3k on this cycle, I opted for the IUI. Besides, I now have a higher chance of multiples...which is a risk, but would be such a blessing to never EVER have to do this crap again.

I really wanted to consult with Hubby before making the decision, but since he wasn't there, I made the choice. Turns out it was the best, because Hubby was happy with it too.

So to increase our odds, I will have two IUI's. One tomorrow and one Friday. I got my HCG trigger this morning and Dr. M says it takes about 40 hours after the shot to ovulate. That will put some swimmer up there before and after I O, which sounds good to me.

At this point I'm not optimistic, but not pessemistic either. I'm kind of numb. All the drama that has gone on this week with all my appointments, blood draws, my road trip to P-town (which, btw, we only used 1 - that's right ONE dose of those meds) has just left my mind spinning.

Regarding the unused drugs, I do have options. If this cycle works, I can sell my drugs back to Dr. M for half price. I feel pretty good about this, because I've had the opportunity to buy some one else's leftovers before. Plus, I think if I do get pregnant, I will have no problem losing the $500. On the other hand though, if this cycle fails, I'll have all these drugs to use for another cycle. I haven't talked to Hubs yet, but my thinking is if this cycle fails, we need to take a break, save up and just go for the IVF and quit wasting our time with IUI's.

Anywho, that's where I am with this cycle. Thanks again for all your comments and thanks for following along. It has been quite a crazy week.

P.S. all of this has worked out so I'll be able to be out of town next week for work! Yay for lots and lots of overtime!!! (and no, that did not factor into my decision to do IUI's instead of IVF :0))

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

little update

I had my ultrasound today. Lots o' follies are growing. No lie, there were probably 10 on each side that measured from 7-19mm. Because there are so many Dr. M cut my dosages back and he informed me....*drum roll, please*...I'll be doing IVF this cycle!!!

I was very excited at first. According to the doc's Web site I have about a 51% chance of a positive. Then reality of the extra money sank in, along with the other 49% that results in a negative. I also am fighting the urge to not get stressed about work. This week and next are possibly the busiest two weeks of the year for work. We have a huge annual event next week. I am supposed to be gone Mon-Thu at this event.

As of right now, the plan is for me to have my HCG injection tomorrow night and do the egg retrieval on Friday morning. Friday sucks. That is the ultimate busy day of wrapping up stuff and packing to leave on Monday for this event. Sounds like I won't really be involved since I'll be sedated for the retrieval that morning. They say to "take it easy" the rest of the day, so I'll have to see what that means. Can I go to work if I sit most of the time? We'll see.

Also, the transfer back would be 5 days after the retrieval...Wednesday. That is the middle of when I'd be gone. I will find out for sure tomorrow morning when I go in for another u/s and then I'll have the dreaded talk with my boss.

My boss has been so fantastic during this whole thing. She allows me the flexibility of coming and going when I need to and making up the time when I can. I just feel really bad missing out this week so much and possibly missing out on the whole event. I know the world will still spin if I don't go and they will work it out with another staff member, but still...Besides, the overtime pay is nice!

Anyway, I just thought I'd share. I'll let you know if anything changes after my appointment tomorrow.

Also, if anyone has any experience with IVF, please share. The retrieval really freaks me out.

Monday, September 14, 2009

And the story continues

I think I left you on Saturday night with my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, day.

Not much has changed, but some. On Sunday I went in for my daily estradiol draw. I told the nurse I needed to talk to the doc before I left, because I only had enough drugs left for Sunday and Monday morning.

I waited...for 45 minutes in his office, waiting for him to come in. Eventually he did. I explained to him that this was a very big financial burden for us to plop down $1,200 for drugs. I asked him if he was confident that we could get to ovulation. He had mentioned on Saturday how if I'm over stimulated it could lead to an IVF cycle or it could be canceled. I was worried about the cancellation part. He said we should proceed and canceling was just a possibility, but not likely. He spent some good quality time going through my chart to make sure we are doing what we should and we didn't skip a step. He pretty much determined that I most likely have endometriosis judging from my treatments and lack of pregnancies. I knew this could be a possibility, he mentioned it before. I do have a tilted uterus, which is a sign of endo. I have to say, it was very nice to have some quality time going through everything step by step instead of rushing out of there so he could get to his next patient.

The game plan slightly changed from calling in the order for gonal-f from Massachusetts. If it were overnighted I would not get it until Tuesday afternoon. No good, since I didn't have anymore drugs. The alternative...driving 100+ miles to Portland OR to get more Menopur and Follistim. This afternoon Hubs and I drove down, swiped our credit card for $1,300 and drove our broke asses home.

Doc called about 8pm tonight and said my estradiol has shot up again today, so I'm taking tonight off from the Menopur (my hiney is happy!), but tomorrow I start the Follistim. It is in this nifty little pen and the pen has a case and everything. It's very weird to go through all the trouble of loading the pen with the special ampule and needles, etc. I don't know why they do it that way. Why not just use the little diabetic needles? At least this one is injected in my tummy, so Hubby only has to shoot me up once a day. He is very happy about that (and so is my butt).

Anyway, I go in tomorrow for ANOTHER blood draw and later that day for an ultrasound. I am so thankful my office is only about 10-15 mins away from their office and my boss is so flexible with me. It is such a blessing!

To be continued...

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The end is near

Whether is be a positive pregnancy test...or even a negative one. This cycle is our last. At least for a year or more.Emotionally I can't handle much more, and definitely financially, we're at our breaking point.

I had my ultrasound appointment today and all was quiet. Not much had changed since my last u/s on Wednesday. I was very disappointed. Friday night I had gotten a call from Dr. M that my estradiol was still not very high so he upped my Fostimon to 3 ampules for Friday night and three in the morning.

When I met with Dr. M after my u/s he thought we'd see what my test results from my estradiol blood draw and then determine how many ampules we'd do. I told him I only have 6 left. His first thought was to have me go to Bell.evue (a good hour drive from me) to pick some Gonal-F up from a pharmacy. He said they were the fastest, but not the cheapest. I asked him if he had any in his extra supply box? He looked and brought back some Menopur (which I wrote a check for $60). He then decided I would take two ampules of Menopur tonight, 3 Fostimon in the morning, and I was supposed to call a mail-order pharmacy today to overnight some Gonal-F. It was the cheapest place to get it from. By cheap he meant $358 per box vs. $500 per box from the Bell.evue place. I still about crapped my pants because I need three boxes. He wrote me a prescription and gave me the phone number and sent me on my way.

As I was walking out of his office my chin was quivering...I was completely stressed and overwhelmed. I made it to the parking lot before the tears welled up and by the time I got in my car I was all-out bawling. I called my husband sobbing and trying to figure out what to do. This cycle with the $600 Fostimon was a stretch for us, but now with the huge bill for the Gonal-F??? This is a tough decision. My biggest hang up is that the doctor said again that he didn't want to over stimulate me, because we could be forced to cancel the cycle. I didn't think of it at the time, but I thought if I was over stimulated then I would just to to an IVF cycle. Hmm...

After sobbing to Hubby and deciding we would go ahead and break out another credit card I called the pharmacy. Well, apparently the prescription needs to be called in or faxed from the doctor's office. I couldn't just call it in (duh) or fax it myself. I was in tears again. I paged Dr. M, he called and I told him what happened. Since I have to go back to his office tomorrow for more blood, he said we can just take care of it tomorrow *sigh*

After some other errands I went to a friend's wedding. I had to leave shortly after the reception started because I had an extremely pounding headache and that was making me nauseous.

Now that I have had some time to think about spending so much dough on these drugs I've decided before we call in that prescription tomorrow I am going to talk to the doc about the odds of canceling this cycle. I'm going to let him know that this is our last shot for a while. If he isn't confident that we will at least be able to get to ovulation then I don't want to buy that stuff.

Part of me is almost relieved that this is almost over - pregnancy or no. My stomach looks like a rainbow from all the bruises from the Lupron. My rear is in pretty good shape, but even tonight as Hubby was trying to push in the needle it wouldn't pierce the skin. He had to jab it in - hard. There was a popping noise when it finally got through the skin. Ya...ouch...

So I'm done. I quit. I've already thought about calling my regular doctor when my period starts to ask for a year supply of birth control - not that we have to guard against pregnancy - ha! I just need to be "normal" again. I need some hormonal stability for a while. I need my mustache and beard and all the other lovely PCOS crap to go away for a while. I want me back.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Human Pincushion

Yep, that's me.

I've continued to do two Lupron injections and two Fostimon injections since last Wednesday. I went in Saturday, Monday and Tuesday to have serum estradiol tests done. If I remember correctly Saturday's number was 194, Monday's was in the 300's. Tuesday's for some reason dropped was low to about 120 something. The doc called me last night with the results. He decided to bump up my Fostimon dose. I went from one ampule twice a day to two ampules twice a day.

After work today I had an ultrasound done. I'm guessing, but I think I have about 5 or so follies on each side. I couldn't quite get a good look. The biggest one is on the right and it only at 10mm. Dr. M decided to continue to keep me at that double dosage until at least Saturday. I'm to go in tomorrow and Friday morning to have another estradiol test done, then I have another u/s done on Saturday.

Dr. M explained that he wants to keep a close eye on me since I have so many follies started he wants to make sure I don't grow too fast. The Lupron is to help stimulate growth, but most importantly, it is supposed to prevent an early ovulation. He said with so many follies secreting the estradiol hormone the pituitary gland could decide to give me my LH surge too early. That is what I gathered from what I read online, but it was good to hear it from the doctor's mouth.

Well, I think that's all for now. Other than a black and blue hiney and tummy I think I'm feeling pretty good. Still no hot flashes (knock on wood). I'm getting a little bit of a upset stomach still, but it hasn't been as bad as it was last weekend.

I just counted...as of right now I've been poked with 28 needles since last Wednesday. Two more tonight, four shots and a blood draw tomorrow, repeat Friday and two more shots before my u/s appointment. Whew! Hubby and I are turning into a professional needle workers!