I have debated about writing about this for a little bit now for fear of having rotten vegetables thrown at me, but...
Other than the initial excitement about getting a positive pregnancy test, and of course finding out that it's twins, I have not been excited about this pregnancy at all. Shame on me, I know. I mean seriously, how many years have I been trying for this. How much time, money and tears have been spent. Believe me, it's not that I'm not grateful for getting here, and up until recently I had no idea why I was feeling this way. I have discovered though, it is fear. I am so scared about bringing two little helpless babies into this world. Not only sustaining them and growing them through the next 6-7 months, but what about the time after they're born? What about the next 18 years? If having one baby isn't scary enough, we will have two.
Financially as it is right now, things are tight. We bought a house three years ago with a ridiculously high interest rate. I looked into refinancing, but for different reasons, we aren't able to lower our payment. This will no do. We have to do something. We need to move. I can't imagine us surviving the way things are now, much less with two little babies to take care of. Of course Hubby "doesn't want to think about it right now", but sorry bub...we ain't got much time.
I think I'm just a little stressed about the future. I'm the type of person who like to have things all planned out and squared away. I can't plan anything. I can't plan my time off work because who knows when these two munchkins will arrive. I can't plan the nursery, because I doubt we will be in this house. I can't plan an a place to move, because who knows when we'll sell - or if.
I know this is supposed to be a joyous time in my life. I'm supposed to be enjoying being pregnant and planning for our future, but I just can't. I get a sick feeling everytime I get an email from b.aby.cen.ter with how I'm progressing this week. Time is going really fast.
I find myself faking joy everyday when I'm bombarded by coworkers asking how I'm feeling and telling me how excited they are for me and are they boys are girls, what do we want to name them, etc. I just can't get into it. Even Hubby is more excited than I am, and he's usually the one who stresses about things to come. I just feel like such an asshole. I don't want to complain. I feel like I'm taking this for granted, but right now, it seems like more of a burden than anything.
I'm sorry, I know it's horrible, but it's how I feel. Maybe my hormones will shift again and in a week or so things will change.
Please hold on your your heads of lettuce and tomatoes, I feel bad enough already.
4 comments:
I think your fears are all normal. Of course you are over the moon happy about being pregnant, but then the fears creep in and you wonder about how it's all going to work out.
Have faith and the Lord will make it all work out. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.
No rotten produce here.
I think I felt a similar shock when it actually worked. Unfortunately the realities of pregnancy and having a family are a lot scarier after the BFP. Find a way to get comfortable with your financial situation and try to plan out how you will afford things now, b/c you're right, you won't have a lot of time.
I hate to say this, but if your house payment isn't sustainable with the babies, maybe you could sell and rent cheaper? Obviously not a desirable solution, but it might be an option.
Good luck, I know that you will work through your anxieties. Write down your solutions and a few months from now when you are worried again, revisit what you have resolved to do (I find I forget that we already figured something and start freaking again on some issues).
I do have some old celery, but I can assure you it will remain in the drawer...
I can't imagine how stressful it is to be pregnant with twins and facing a housing struggle. We are praying for twins, and we also bought at a super high price, but by the grace of God, we have moved to a lower cost of living area and are renting our other house until we can sell it for what we bought it for!! I will pray for your housing situation to be worked out soon!! God bless your little ones :)
These are all very normal and understandable feelings. If you can sell your house without taking a loss, I think it would be worth the short term stress of moving so that you will not be financially stressed in the long term. It wouldn't hurt to just talk with a real estate agent to discuss you options. Good luck!
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