Lilypie - Fourth Birthday

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Yes, I sometimes act like a 5 year old.

So, since I'm not pregnant this month I decided to quit taking my prenatal vitamins until I start a new cycle. I know, it is childish, but whateva!!

I am forgetful occasionally, so I put a reminder on my computer at work to remind me twice a day to take my vitamins (they are 3/day ones, so I take two at work and one at home). Well everyday at 8am and 1pm my reminder goes off. Since last week, I've just dismissed it. And when I click the dismiss button it's with a "screw you" attitude. I know the button didn't do anything wrong, but still...

I know the vitamins are good for me pregnant or not, but I've been taking them for four years and this month I don't give a rip.

What prompted this post you ask? My reminder just went off 10 minutes ago.

Busy bee

Hello all! Nothing much to report in the IF front. I'm waiting until Monday to call the doc for Provera. Since he's been on vacation I figure calling him the day he gets back would be worthless since I'm sure he's swamped. *sigh*

I've been keeping myself pretty busy the last few days or so. I had a pretty busy Friday night last week - watching a chick flick with a friend eating pizza and popcorn. Then Saturday I helped another friend move - whew, that was a long day. Her and her fiance lived in a 2nd story apartment and they have a TON of stuff! Anyway, I definitely got my physical excersise in that day! I was exhausted! Sunday hubby and I did some yard work: mowed, weed whacked, and I planted some flowers...then we went kayaking. It was so fun. We bought these kayaks a while ago...like probably over a month ago and hadn't used them yet. My mother-in-law and her bf lives on a lake and they are only a mile from our house - very convenient! After work yesterday hubby and I had some dinner and went over and kayaked again. Good times!

I've been mega sappy lately and I don't think I can blame hormones. I was looking at some photos the other day on Fa.ceboo.k of a friend I went to high school with. Her four year old son recently died. He had SMA (I can't remember what it stands for at the moment). Anyway, the photos were his last professional photoshoot and there was one with him laying on the floor and their family dog was laying by his head. The look on the dogs face is what made me get really teary. She just showed so much love in her lil doggy eyes. Aw, it just broke my heart to know that little Logan is gone and his dog doesn't know what's going on. The friend said that the dog still goes in his room and lays on his bed at night. Aw, just makes me so sad.

THEN, last night, I'm watching Jon.&.Kate.+.8 and there was a clip of them having movie night as a family and I turned to hubby and said "I want to have kids so bad!" and there I went welling up with tears. Then we were watching S.wamp.Log.gers or something and they had a scene with their whole family gathered around the dinner table and there was a little baby someone was holding and my hubby said something about how cute she was and there I went again!

Ugh. IF sucks.

Friday, June 26, 2009

A better day

Although I'm still not a happy camper, I'm not AS angry as I have been. I had even considered changing the title of my blog to "Diary of a Mad Infertile".

Guess what? We live in a small world. Ya, I'm sure you knew that, but today, not only did I find a fellow infertile in my neck of the woods, but we go to the same doctor!!! Whoa! (Hi AC!). Anywho, I look forward to meeting her in person.

I had so much earlier that I wanted to write about today, but I am at a loss as to what that was...

I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to blog for a while, but I think blogging is like milk - it does a body good. If I didn't have my blog all of these emotions would be pent up and I'm fairly certain I would have exploded by now.

I'm thinking I might call Dr. M like Wednesday or Thursday next week and ask about a Provera prescription. Hopefully, he will prescribe it and let me take it soon. The faster we can move on the better.

Happy Friday all! I hope you all have a great weekend!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

CD4

Yep, so tomorrow is the day that I am SUPPOSED to start Femara. But NoooOOOooo, I can't because of my frickin dumass, stupid jerk of a doctor. Bitter? Noo....well, yes actually.


This failed cycle and the whole doctor situation has me really ticked. Normally I can get over the negative test by now because I'd be moving on to the next cycle, but not this time. I get to wallow in my failure for the next 4-5 weeks *yipee*. As I wrote on Tuesday, I didn't go to work. I was really bummed, depressed, angry, sad, you name it...and not much has improved....

...and what do I do to make myself feel better? Eat. Yep, ice cream, popcorn, pasta, fast food, chocloate - gee, and how did I get overweight?

Ugh, I'm just depressed. I feel like this nightmare will never end. Ya, I've only been doing "fertility treatment" since November '07, but we've been "trying" since August 2005. We got married in July of that year. In a little less than three weeks, we'll be having our FOUR YEAR anniversary. That is a long time in TTC years (I think TTC years are like dog years).

I have no patience. That is no secret. I am one of those who like instant gratification. Well, I am sooooo not getting that from TTC. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes, literally, my heart hurts. I get so upset my heart aches. Towards the end of last week when I would think about how close I was to getting AF or getting a positive test, my heart was thundering in my chest. I told my hubby several times about the anxiety. I would rub my chest and make myself take deep breaths. Seriously, I'm sick of this crap. It's not healthy. All these drugs pumping into my system. My psycho hormones are all over the place. I need balance.

But what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't make the swimmers meet the egg. I can't do anything but take drugs and wait.

Some of you have asked if I am searching out other doctors. The answer is no. Yes this guy's office is NOT professional. Yes, he is a poor business manager. BUT, I think he is a good doctor. I think he knows his stuff. He may not be the most socially comfortable person I have met in my life, but talking doesn't get me knocked up. Besides, he is the only one in town. I tried the commuting thing and it is really really hard, not only on me, but I had to take a lot of time off of work.

You probably won't hear from me for a while. I don't/won't have anything to blog about other than my poor attitute and my lack of faith that things will work out, and I think I have done that enough in the last few posts.

Ciao, for now!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

CD2

I called in to work this morning. I was having pretty good cramps, back pain, and I couldn't sleep because I was afraid I would "leak" on the sheets.

I cried a few times at my desk at work yesterday, and a few more times at home. Today I'm not not so weepy, just plain pissed off. I know there is no point in being pissed, it won't do any good. But I am.

I suppose I should look at this involuntary break as short relief from the whole process, but I don't. I just had a break, because of the same thing. I was in Florida and couldn't get my u/s in time so I had to skip that cycle. Since October I have only had two complete cycles. I'm so pissed. I hate the waiting. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Today sucks.

I called Dr. M's office today to schedule my cd3 u/s so I could get my Femara prescription.

Me: "I need to schedule my day 3 u/s, since my last Femara and IUI failed"

Stupid Nurse: "Sorry, but Dr. M. is on vacation."

Me: "Doesn't he have anyone filling in for him while he's out?"

Stupid Nurse" "Only for his OB patients. I'm really sorry, but he's out until the 3oth. You are going to have to skip this cycle."

What the heck!?!?!?!?!?! I am so so so angry. This office sucks. Like majorly sucks! Who the hell runs a fertility clinic and does not have anyone cover while you are gone for OVER A WEEK!!! I would call and have the u/s done elsewhere, but nobody will write me a prescription without me being a patient.

Was the doctor that frickin confident that I would magically get pregnant this cycle he didn't think ahead and write me a script in case I needed it. Sorry doc, you aren't that magical.

"Skipping this cycle" does not just mean a month. It means calling on day 35 when I haven't gotten my period and getting a 10-day prescription for Provera. A few days after the pills I'll start my period and we'll go again...but that's like SIX weeks, not four.

AAAAHHHH! I am so angry right now. I'm at work and I want to leave so bad to go home and throw a pity party for myself. Why can't ANYTHING be easy.

I was a few minutes late coming back from my lunch break because I was scouring the closet at home for M.idol. Not only has AF completely landed today, but she is stomping around and throwing her luggage all over my uterus.

I hate her.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Well hello AF, long time no see

Yep, she is coming in for a landing. Damn.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Uh oh...I just pee'd

So, ya...I have no will power. I was totally planning to wait to pee on a stick until Saturday. Ya...that didn't happen. I was doing good until Hubby called we were talking and we got to talking about the test and he said to just take one. And I said "are you sure? Without you here?" He said yes...so there I went and trotted off to the bathroom.

I just pee'd and now the stick is brewing on the counter. I'm so scared! I'm so nervous to go look at it. Maybe I'll wait....ya right!!!! Okay...It's been three minutes. I'm going to go look now...**gulp**

And the drum roll please......

Big...Fat...Negative.

Shit.

Oh well, there is still a glimmer of hope that I won't get my period...small glimmer.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I'm still holding out!

I have not tested yet! Almost everyone has told me to wait, which I totally agree with. Thankfully I was busy last night and I will be tonight, so that has put off any temptations so far.

I would really like to hold out and maybe take one Saturday afternoon. I'd like to give AF a chance to arrive. I just remember taking a test a few cycles ago at like 3pm and by 9pm AF had arrived, so I was kind of annoyed.

As always, I'll keep you posted! Only three more days!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

To test or not to test? That is the question.

Oh...my...goodness. I am losing my mind. I have not been this obsessed about all things "early pregnancy" in I don't know how long. I know that stressing is not doing my body any good, but I can't help it.

I really thought I should just wait until Saturday before I took a test, since I'd most likely get my period by then. If I didn't get it then I could test...Well, I don't know if I can hold out that long. I'm really afraid of the disappointment and if I just assume I'm getting my period the negative test or the eventual arrive of AF won't be so devestating, but I'm really not sure.

Help! I need advice! Do I just test to relieve this obsession or hold out and save the 5 bucks on a test and any presumable disappointment??? I had the IUI on cd19, I probably ovulated on cd20. Today is only cd28...

Monday, June 15, 2009

I knew it!

I knew I would be riding a roller coaster this last week and sure enough...here I am.

Last night I was scouring Dr. Google for any early pregancy signs at 8dpIUI and 7-8dpO...not really much out there. I'd had light headaches all weekend, I'm been having to go to the bathroom a lot. I have been moody and REALLY irritable...BUT all of those things could be my period too. Dang!

Today, I'm feeling slightly crampy. I totally feel like my period is coming. I'm trying to remember last cycle and the timing of it all. I'm pretty sure if this cycle has the same timing I'll get my period this Saturday.

I was trying to decide last night when would be early enough, but not too early to test. Today I am thinking I won't even bother with a test and I'll just wait to see what happens on Saturday.

I really wanted to call in to work today. That is how low my ride is taking me. I just wanted to sleep and read and watch movies all day. I don't want to sit at work with Dr. Google at my fingertips and think about all this stuff.

Hope is fading away and pessimism is taking it's place - as usual. Man, I hate roller coasters.

I'm going in today to have my progesterone tested to make sure my follie burst. I'm 99.9% it did I felt major cramping over there last Monday and like I mentioned last week, I noticed that spotting.

My husband seems totally convinced that I am pregnant. I find it really sweet that he is that optimistic, but then I feel like it could never be reality. I've never ever had a positive pee test. Even the O test I took before the IUI was only "partially" positive according to Dr. M.

I can't picture a positive pregnancy test, or me being pregnant, or buying baby stuff for us, or any of it. I know people get pregnant and have babies everyday around the world, but it just seems so far out of my reach. Ugh. Sorry to be mopey today. I guess that is generally how the 2ww is. The first week is all happy-happy-joy-joy and the second week, reality hits, and it is definitely woe-is-me.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Whoa!

Holy cow - the hormones must be raging! I'm watching the Dog Competition on ESPN and I'm all teary eyed. Seriously? Dogs running obstacle courses is making me cry?

Not 30 minutes ago I got home from walking my three pooches and was totally pissy. If I walk them consistently they are good walkers, but it has been a while so they were bad boys. Remember me talking about my bassett hound stopping during our walks because he was tired? Well today he started stopping not two blocks from the house and about halfway though out walk he actually laid down!!!! Yes, he is that lazy! Anyway, we only walked for a half an hour and it was not much of a workout with them stopping constantly to smell every bush or litter or to rest. I was grouchy...and now I'm weepy.

Wow. :0)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

a lil' update

Okay, so I have been consulting Dr. Google a little bit more, since I've been feeling a little dizzy today too. Sounds like I could be feeling all of this stuff just because of the ovulation and the surge in my progesterone....

That's probably what it is, since it is WAY TOO EARLY for it to be anything pregnancy related.

Stay tuned :0)

Not sure if it means anything, but...

I have been feeling different so far since the IUI on Sunday. I know it has only been three days, but still. Definitely Monday night and Tuesday I had some cramping on my right side (where the follie(s)) were. This is pretty normal, I figure the follie just burst and was sending the egg on it's way. Monday mid-day I went to the bathroom and when I was done I noticed a lot of mucus and some very very light spotting. It wasn't brown, and not really "pink" but it looked like fresh blood. But it was really scant. I probably wouldn't have noticed if I was examining the TP. According to Dr. Google this could be from my ovulation.

Then Tuesday and today I have felt a little uterine cramping. Nothing strong at all, just enough to notice. I have no idea the reason for this. I am crossing my fingers, toes, legs, arms...that this means that something good it going on.

Like I said I've never noticed this stuff before, so I am CAUTIOUSLY optimistic that maybe, just maybe, I could have a positive this time...

To be conintued...

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Hussein or Bin Laden?

IUI #2 happened this evening. It was SO MUCH better than the first one! Not nearly as uncomfortable/painful!! Dr. M said hubby's swimmers "looked good".

We, hubby, Dr. and I, were talking about hoping this time works and Dr. M says "it's like sending 20 million soldiers in after Osama, they just have to find the one guy." Hubby said, "Well let's pretend they are going after Saddam Hussein instead, since they actually found him." We got a laugh out of Dr. on that one.

Next on the list: Progesterone test on the 15th. Wow, am I really in the 2ww again? I'm trying not to get my hope up yet, since the next two weeks will probably be a roller coaster like it usually is.

Well, let's hope they are hunting for Saddam instead of Osama!!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Weekend Update

I had my CD18 u/s appointment today. One big fat follie!!! I was hoping for two...and MAYBE there might be, but it looked about 15mm or so. The big one (I'm guessing) is about 20-22mm or so (he didn't actually say, but it was 18 on Thursday). I'm so excited I'm finally to this point again after the break I had to take.

I took an ovulation test Friday and this morning. Friday's was negative. This morning there was a definite second line. I brought it in to Dr. M. He said I was on my way to ovulating, but not fully yet, so he decided to give me the hcg shot. Hubby is going in tomorrow at 5:30pm to present his soldiers. Then I'll get basted at 6:30.

I am HOPING this IUI isn't as uncomfortable as the first one, but hey, I'll do what I gotta do.

IUI #2 - here we come!!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Cankles

Yes, I have them. And no, they aren't pretty. For those of you who do not know what a "cankle" is, it's when your calf and your ankle look one in the same - there is no real definition between the two.

When the warm weather hits, my calfs and ankles swell. It can actully get pretty uncomfortable and it sometimes feels like my skin is going to split (nice, eh?). I went to the doc about it a couple of years ago and really the only thing I can do about them is to lose weight.

Around that same time is when I found out how HORRIBLE my cholesterol is. Since I was starting the ferterlity treatment at that time I couldn't go on any drugs, so my only solution? Lose weight.

I could go on and on about all the things that point me to losing weight, but I won't bore you.

I was inspired to write this post by another blogger buddy who struggles with her weight too. It is hard. It is really hard to stick with it. I've bounced around with losing 10-20 lbs or so, but never anything significant. I've had my thyroid checked, it's in decent shape. I've had my insulin checked, again, decent shape. So really other than my messed up hormones I don't really have an excuse that is holding me back from shedding the 100lbs I'd love to lose.

I know it has to be a lifestyle change and not just a diet. But, I still would like to kickstart myself and lose 20 or so pounds quickly. I've tossed around the idea of doing the S.lim Fas.t shakes for breakfast and lunch and then a Le.an Cui.sine or some thing for dinner for a while to get things going (obiously I'd add a lot of fruit and veggies for snacks), but I don't know. If I wasn't TTC, I'd probably try A.lli.

Eating better though is so much easier for me than exercising. Getting my keester moving is hard for me. I constantly find excuses, no matter what. I really make myself mad sometimes. I'm glad nobody can hear inside my head, because there is a lot of argument in there about this topic.

I've thought about joinging a gym, but I've been there, done that. I commit for a month or two then I slack off. Plus it can be spendy. I've thought about doing some sort of water aerobics or something at the Y, but here it starts at lik 5 or 5:30 AM, and I'm not a morning person (like that excuse?). I used to walk with my MIL, but it got too hot in the summer to do it after work, so we tried the mornings...but again, not a morning person.

I basically have a gym in my garage, but it's too boring, or too warm, or away from the dogs, then they'd have to be locked up, and it's not fair to them since they are locked up all day (see I told you I'm good at excuses)

I'd walk my dogs, but there are three of them, and it kinda hard, and one of them doesn't walk very far before he just stops (ya, that's right, he'll just stop and stare at me and I'll have to coax him along). I don't get much of a workout walking them, because the one that stops is the bassett and he doesnt' walk too fast either.

I could go on and on, but again, I don't want to bore you.

I really do need to figure out somethign and stick with it...

Ooh! I just thought of a major pro to doing the S.lim F.ast thing...I could easilly bring those to work and I would have plenty of time on my lunch hour to walk (we have a good trail by the office). If I do end up getting knocked up I could still walk and just pack a lunch that has more calories, but until then, I think that's a pretty good idea. AND I would get some exercise in at the same time!!

I guess now I just need to grocery shop!! :0)

CD 16 u/s appointment

I failed again this morning. It was the 5th negative O test, so I called Dr. M's office about 9:15 this morning. They got me in at 10:30! Turns out I have two follicles on my right side!! One of them is definitely in the lead, but the second one could catch up. I'm going in on Saturday morning at 9:30 to have another u/s to see if they/it is ready to go. If so, I'll get my Hcg trigger shot and we'll do the IUI. Yay!!

Can I just say too, that I LOVE Femara!!! It is not as abusive as Clomid! I think I'm still getting a little bit of the moodiness (and I think my husband would agree with that!), but I haven't been crampy, I don't have hot flashes, my ovaries don't feel like they are going to explode. Yesterday I notice a little bit of a bloated feeling and it seems my bladder has shrunk, but that is about all I noticed.

Well, cross your fingers for Saturday. Hopefully BOTH of them will be ready to go!!

P.S. I made Dr M. laugh TWICE today. That is quite the accomplishment. He is pretty serious and dry most of the time. I was laying on the table and the nurse (the stupid/annoying one) asks what the odds of twins are. He says with Clomid/Femara it's about 5%. With injectables about 30%. I said "well, bring on the shots if that's what it takes. I don't want to have to do this again!" He chuckled a little. Yay! Then, I followed up and said "At this rate I'll be 60 by the time I have #2!" - again, a little laugh. I was so proud of myself that I pulled a little sense of humor out of him - lol!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Great thoughts, and directions, to live happy.

I got this as an e-mail forwarded to me today. I thought most of these can be related to infertility and really the whole TTC world. Enjoy...

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Remember, friends are the family we choose for ourselves .....

"Use stuff, not people, love people not stuff"

Monday, June 1, 2009

I think I lost my brain...

I don't know where my mind had been lately. I am really not paying attention to anything. I finished taking the last of the Femara last Wednesday. I was scheduled to start taking the ovulation tests yesterday morning.

Well, I took all the pills on time, but when Friday rolled around I had a mini panic attack when I thought about what cycle day it was. I had no clue! That is so unlike me to be so spacy about cycle days and knowing exactly what and when I am doing stuff. All day Saturday I didn't think about taking the test. Normally I'd have the box in the bathroom, usually with one of the tests already out and laying on the counter ready for the morning.

Nope. Not. Even. Close. I ended up doing a little...or rather a lot of drinking on Saturday night (which resulted in a major hangover on Sunday). Needless to say, taking the test was the last thing on my mind. I left the house for a few hours that day and got home about 3pm. I dinked around the house, then - ah! I realized I still hadn't taken the test! So I go to the bathroom took the test (it is now about 4pm). I decided to leave the bathroom for a few minutes so it could process instead of staring at it. Well, I left the bathroom, went out to the couch...and took a nap!

I mean seriously...what is my issue!?!?! Totally irresponsible! Finally about 6pm, hubby goes into the bathroom and says "uh...did you ever look at your test?" AH! Freak out again. I run back there to see two lines on the test! THANKFULLY, the second line wasn't as dark as the control line, so it wasn't positive, but man! It could have been.

If it was positive - IN THE MORNING - I was to page the doc and come in for the IUI today. Well, if it would have been positive at 6PM last night, who knows what the schedule would have been. I am such an idiot.

Anyway, enough abusing myself. Everything came out okay. I took a test today and it was still negative, so we'll try again tomorrow. This same thing (not the forgetting, but the two lines one day and not the next) happened last cycle. One day I had a second faint double line and only one single line the rest of the time. Turned out that I was ready to ovulate when I went in for my ultrasound on day 17.

Man, I have to stay more on top of this. What a waste of time and money if I missed my O. Today is day 13, negative test today. I will continue to take a test until Thursday. If still negative I will go in for an ultrasound.

Man oh man I scared myself the last few days...although I must say it was nice to not be completely consumed by cycle days and peeing on a stick.