The end is near

Whether is be a positive pregnancy test...or even a negative one. This cycle is our last. At least for a year or more.Emotionally I can't handle much more, and definitely financially, we're at our breaking point.

I had my ultrasound appointment today and all was quiet. Not much had changed since my last u/s on Wednesday. I was very disappointed. Friday night I had gotten a call from Dr. M that my estradiol was still not very high so he upped my Fostimon to 3 ampules for Friday night and three in the morning.

When I met with Dr. M after my u/s he thought we'd see what my test results from my estradiol blood draw and then determine how many ampules we'd do. I told him I only have 6 left. His first thought was to have me go to Bell.evue (a good hour drive from me) to pick some Gonal-F up from a pharmacy. He said they were the fastest, but not the cheapest. I asked him if he had any in his extra supply box? He looked and brought back some Menopur (which I wrote a check for $60). He then decided I would take two ampules of Menopur tonight, 3 Fostimon in the morning, and I was supposed to call a mail-order pharmacy today to overnight some Gonal-F. It was the cheapest place to get it from. By cheap he meant $358 per box vs. $500 per box from the Bell.evue place. I still about crapped my pants because I need three boxes. He wrote me a prescription and gave me the phone number and sent me on my way.

As I was walking out of his office my chin was quivering...I was completely stressed and overwhelmed. I made it to the parking lot before the tears welled up and by the time I got in my car I was all-out bawling. I called my husband sobbing and trying to figure out what to do. This cycle with the $600 Fostimon was a stretch for us, but now with the huge bill for the Gonal-F??? This is a tough decision. My biggest hang up is that the doctor said again that he didn't want to over stimulate me, because we could be forced to cancel the cycle. I didn't think of it at the time, but I thought if I was over stimulated then I would just to to an IVF cycle. Hmm...

After sobbing to Hubby and deciding we would go ahead and break out another credit card I called the pharmacy. Well, apparently the prescription needs to be called in or faxed from the doctor's office. I couldn't just call it in (duh) or fax it myself. I was in tears again. I paged Dr. M, he called and I told him what happened. Since I have to go back to his office tomorrow for more blood, he said we can just take care of it tomorrow *sigh*

After some other errands I went to a friend's wedding. I had to leave shortly after the reception started because I had an extremely pounding headache and that was making me nauseous.

Now that I have had some time to think about spending so much dough on these drugs I've decided before we call in that prescription tomorrow I am going to talk to the doc about the odds of canceling this cycle. I'm going to let him know that this is our last shot for a while. If he isn't confident that we will at least be able to get to ovulation then I don't want to buy that stuff.

Part of me is almost relieved that this is almost over - pregnancy or no. My stomach looks like a rainbow from all the bruises from the Lupron. My rear is in pretty good shape, but even tonight as Hubby was trying to push in the needle it wouldn't pierce the skin. He had to jab it in - hard. There was a popping noise when it finally got through the skin. Ya...ouch...

So I'm done. I quit. I've already thought about calling my regular doctor when my period starts to ask for a year supply of birth control - not that we have to guard against pregnancy - ha! I just need to be "normal" again. I need some hormonal stability for a while. I need my mustache and beard and all the other lovely PCOS crap to go away for a while. I want me back.