So, like I said in a previous post, I am currently on my 5th cycle of clomid. This round I have two follicles that were mature enough to ovulate. I went to the doctor on cd12 for an ultrasound to see my progress. To my amazement she said I was ready for my trigger shot. I had one follie on one side that was 17.9mm and the other side had one that was 21mm! I know that every month when I ovulate I have about a 20% chance of conceiving - the same as a “normal” woman. With two eggs, I have a 40% chance of one and a 20%chance of twins. I secretly hope for twins so I don’t ever have to deal with all the fertility treatment again. Today is only cd 16. I have no pregnancy tests at home - which is a good thing. I am a SUPER impatient person, and I know that if I had a test here I would take it. I told myself I would not buy a test until Sept. 7. That will be cd26.
I think my biggest struggle with TTC is the pure lack of control. I have absolutely no control over the little spermies finding my egg(s), or my egg implanting, etc. All I can do is be as healthy as I can be, and trust that God has a plan for my life. Of all these months of trying (3 years actually), I am finally getting to the point where I am giving up the control struggle. I would think myself into a tissy trying to will things to happen. I think my change of thinking is just because I am really realizing that I have no control, and I need to live in the moment instead of stressing about future appointments and “what if” due dates and work schedules and…and…and…Instead, I need to just focus on now.
Yesterday, I had a good day emotionally. I was reading a really great blog about another PCOS girl who finally had success with IVF. One of her entries she talked about how she was at the point in her cycle where what was going to happen already happened, whether that was that the egg implanted or not and no amount of stressing would do any good. I realized I am at the point too. We timed our intercourse really well, and we did everything in this cycle we could do. Now it is just a matter of time until we find out the result.
Too bad that good attitude was yesterday…today brought a different mood. I feel like if this cycle is the best chance we’ve had so far and it doesn’t work, I am doomed to never have children. I know this to TOTALLY the wrong attitude to have, but hey, I’m being honest. I feel like we’ve wasted all this money on treatment, and nothing has worked. I feel like I just can’t get pregnant, and that is the first step in a zillion steps to delivering a healthy baby. Not that I wish myself this at all, but sometimes I feel like if I were to get pregnant and miscarried at least I’d know it i possible to get pregnant. I’m scared that all this trying will just end in miscarriage and
I’m also afraid of all this trying will lead to have a child with health issues.
I have a wonderful friend who sadly last summer had a miscarriage. They tried for months to get pregnant again and it happened. But now she is facing new challenges. Her sweet little baby has some deformities. It possibly won’t even make it to term. She is just devestated. She doesn’t know whether she should plan the nursery or plan a funeral. Very very sad - and it makes me scared for myself.
Okay, that is enough blogging for now…I think this will be number 4 for today…and I’m going cross-eyed.
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