Well, last week went just as I expected. I totally worked my butt off (63 hours!!) and it was at times stressful. It confirmed for me the decision to skip this month...but as I'm approaching the next cycle I have some decisions to make.
For the first time I am actually considering IVF. After 5 failed clomid cycles and 6 eggs, I am running out of chances. I am waiting to start cycle number 6. If this one doesn't work then I don't know what I am going to do. I think I said before that I don't want a "test tube" baby. My husband said last night though, it's not like it is going to live it's life with a stamp on it's head. But for some reason the thought of it being inseminated in a petri dish just doesn't sit well with me. My other reservation was the cost...but again, my husband reminded me that we spent more on our dogs back surgery than the cost of one IVF cycle. And surely a baby is more important!
I also wonder if for some reason I decide not to go the IVF route and we aren't able to get pregnant otherwise, will I be okay not having children? I don't know. I mean, I know I will survive, I know life will go on, but will I be able to get over the jealousy of seeing a pregnant woman or a woman pushing a stroller or the sight of parents playing with their children. I feel like I have to be able to give this up - give it up completely to God. I don't know why I feel I can control any of this - I have no control at all. If I did I wouldn't be still stuck in this situation.
I've always known that I would not be able to conceive on my own, but I had no idea that it would be so hard and take so long. I've past the three year mark...hopefully I'll be blessed by the end of year four.
Well, that's all for now. I'll write more when something actually happens and is worth writing about.
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