I'm movin' on

Well, it could still happen this month. Maybe...

So, I headed north again this morning in the dark, the rain and the muck. I wasn't late this morning even though the traffic a was a little worse. I was called back about 5 mins early too! But that was the end of my happy day. I don't know where that black cat came from, but it must have crossed me in the hallway when I was walking back to the u/s room. I didn't even see it.

Anywho, the tech measured my lining. I think it was 6mm and it should be 8mm or something like that. Then after searching and searching she found a follicle to measure on the right side...a whoppin' 9mm or something...then it was the left side...searching...searching...oh there's one...hmm...it's about 12mm. Nice. It grew two whole millimeters in 3 days (average is 2mm/day). I got dressed and the nurse came in. She wants me to come back on Sunday. What the &^$%#? Even I know that at a good rate I won't be at 18mm by then. Dumb a**. I said, no, that's not going to work. And she said "ya, I guess I err on the side of caution. I'd hate for you to miss it" I felt like saying "ya, well your caution" costs me big time!!" but I didn't. She said how about Monday. I said fine.

I went to the front desk to hand over my cash and I told the receptionist I would have to call to make my appointment. That was a lie. I am not making another appointment. I am so done with that money grubbin' place. I figure, hey, I could still ovulate sometime this cycle. I did last month with no clomid. If hubby and I keep "busy" for a couple of weeks, it could happen???

Besides, I have my new doctor consulation on Tuesday. He is about 10 mins away from my office. Now that sounds better. Plus, a coworker was knocked up by him about 13 years ago via IVF.

So, yes, I am bummed that this cycle didn't work out how I planned, but hell, what has in this process??? I would have never thought I'd would still be dealing with this a year after seeing a "specialist".

Well, Happy Halloween everyone! I will be home hiding in the back of my house with the lights low tonight. Or who knows, maybe I'll venture out and hang out with my parents. I can't hang with friends tonight since they all have kids and are busy doing there own thing. Sad.

Don't worry about me though. Suprisingly, I did not shed a tear on my drive back this morning. I hardly even choked up. It is time to move on to bigger and better things.

I hope you all have a great day tomorrow! I'll post an update after my appt. Here's to hoping no black cats cross my path tomorrow!




Happy Haunting!!

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Well, as you can tell by the subject line, my appointment did not go well. First off, I left my house at 5:30 in the dense fog and with dense drivers. Of course there was bad traffic and I ended up being about 10 minutes late to my appointment. My appointment was at 7am...and I understand that I was late, but I was the only one in the waiting room...I did not get brought back until 7:45!!! I was a little irked. Especially since 7am is their first appointment time, so how can they be that behind already?!?!?!

Then, I had my ultrasound. Big Fat Nothin'. I actually have one follicle that is about half of what it should be. They are hoping is grows and I'm scheduled to go back Friday at the same time and another $150 (whah!!). I'm crossing my fingers that this last clomid round isn't a bust.

Remember a couple of days ago I said that I needed some good news coming my way? Well, it hasn't happened, I've just been hearing more bad news.

So my appointment this morning definitely got me bummed. I had a good cry on the drive back to work. But, I found out when I got to work that there was a fatality accident on I-5 right in Olympia last night and the person who died was in a coworkers' wedding about a month ago. I was at that wedding. I don't know who specifically is was, but it is very very sad none the less. So, I got another little cry out of that one.

I had to pull myself together though because I have a department meeting that ended up lasting 1 1/2 hours!! Whew. Here it is 12:20 and I am just finally ready to do some work - after blogging of course.

After I got out of my meeting my hubby had texted me about his LNI claim. Bad news again. I don't think I've talked about it yet, but almost 4 years ago he got hit by a drunk driver while working. He has finally recovered (after back surgery last summer) but he's been dealing with LNI to get lost wages. Anywho, long story short...they only want to pay him for a small portion of the time they originally said they were going to. So I'm a little peeved about that.

Well, here's to hoping the second half of my day goes better than the first!!

I finally did it.

With the expectation that this 6th cycle of clomid is not going to work. I FINALLY called a local fertility doctor. For the last year I've been driving 60 miles north to Seattle for my 15-minute ultrasound appointments. Well, now that I am at my 6th and final clomid cycle I figure it is time to kick it into high gear. From what I understand my next logical step is to go to injectable drugs. When I do this I'm going to have to be monitored more more closely...like weekly, I think. Anyway, making that 60 mile drive...with nasty traffic is just not going to work. A coworker recommended this local clinic about the same time I started driving north. I figured I was already established and my gyno recommended the Seattle place, so why not. Well, a year later, I'm ready to move on.

My appointment is next Tuesday. I'm actually getting excited about it. I'm hoping thinking about this new office will be enough of a distraction to allow me to not stress about my upcoming two week wait.

Well, tomorrow is the big u/s. I'm forcing myself to be in bed by 9pm, so I can get up at...4:45am!!!!!!! Ugh.

Spinning my wheels...

Do you ever feel like you are just spinning your wheels? I feel like that lately. I feel like I am putting so many things on hold until we have a baby. My husband and I don't want to spend money or vacation time on vacation, since if we are blessed with a baby we'll need all the money and paid time off we can get.

A while ago I posted about possibly going back to school to be a teacher. I had made an appointment with a counselor at our local community college, but I canceled it. It just didn't seem like a good time to do school. I didn't want added stress, we definitely didn't need the added expense and I didn't want to start something and then have to take a break from it if we had a baby. Who knows when/if I'd ever go back.

I feel like I'm just going to work and coming home and putzing around the house...but not really planning on anything. I think as soon as we find out we're pregnant I can start planning things. I will know when the baby is supposed to arrive, plan the nursery, etc.

We are still wondering what our next steps will be if this last cycle of clomid doesn't work. I've decided this is it with the clomid. Even if the docs say I could continue with it, I want to move on. I want to get more aggressive about TTC. Yes, I know I'm only 26, but I am so tired of being in this limbo phase...it's been three years.

I have my u/s appointment on Tuesday. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Bad news bear...

I don't know what was up with this week...maybe it was God challenging me, but I had nothing but bad news told to me.

This week I found out about my friends baby which is still not doing well, then a coworker's husband is near death from bone cancer, another coworker's sister found out she has aggressive cancer. And, I have a cousin I hadn't seen in about 12 years (because of a nasty divorce and no visitation), whom our family got to see her again about two weeks ago (she's now 19). Well, I found out that she had stolen $600, a x.box, and an air compressor from her dad that she hasn't seen in all those years as well. Just depressing, all of it.

On top of it today on my way to work there was an accident between a motorcycle and a 15 passenger van in my neighborhood. The motorcycle driver was laying flat in the road and the bike was laying next to him. The fire truck what just arriving. Then I saw most of a pretty mangled deer on the side of the freeway...about a mile down the road there were his guts and a couple of legs. It was disgusting! I was hoping those two things weren't a sign of how the rest of my day was going to be. They weren't, but still...

Anyway, all of this is to say, I think I've handled it all really well considering my clomid. Seriously, I can't stress enough how much of a looney I am normally at this time. This month I have been calmer. It is about time! :0) Yes, I have teared up NUMEROUS times, but I've controlled myself. Even my anger and impatience has not been as bad. Whew!

Thank goodness it's Friday!! Have a great weekend y'all!

It never fails!

There are two things, that without fail, will make me cry. Bagpipes and Amazing Grace. Today Oprah had both on her show. She had the the group I.L Di.vo on her show - she opened with it. As soon as I heard the opening line "Aaamaaaziing Grrrace..." I said "oh great" because I new what was coming. I got all choked up and THEN the bagpipes started...I was done...I was trying to eat toast and I could hardly finish...uh, I love that song, so beautiful and those men are so talented!!

I'm probably jinxing myself...

So...I'm sitting here at work (I know, I know) and I'm thinking about how today is my last day of clomid...possibly for good...

I have mixed feelings about that. First, I am so $#%@! excited because this could be it for me, and my hot flashes, and psycho mood swings, and my ginormous appetite. Then, I'm a little nervous. Because, if this is it for me, then what is next? Injectables? IVF? Adoption? I'm curious how this all will unfold.

I have to say, I'm pretty darn proud of myself the last week or so. Usually on clomid (and here comes the jinxing part) I am rather crazed and about to burst into tears at any second - AND there are the horrible hot flashes...well, I'm proud of myself because I haven't been uber emotional. I mean I've had a couple of moments of choking up...but nothing like the psycho I usually am. My hot flashes are still around - trust me - but they don't seem as bad this time around.

Oh and a quick note about the hot flashes...I know I am no doctor and I basically know little on how my body works, but I thought that when I was getting hot flashes that my body temp was rising. Well the last two nights I've kept a thermometer next to by bed and when I was hit with a flash I would take my temp...it was actually lower than normal...go figure. Normally my body temp is low anyway (96-97), but last night I temped twice and it was 96.4 then 95.8. Hmm...

I do take my last two pills tonight. Usually a day or two after I take them things start happening...meaning I can feel my poor little ovaries working overtime. And, they start to feel like hard painful golfballs. I am hoping since everything else seems to be less intense this month that maybe my golfballs won't be so bad...at the same time, I don't want to wish that upon myself and then not have a successfull month.

I guess I always assumed that a person who takes clomid always ovulates. After reading some blogs (most recently Jess' "hi!") I am realizing that I am actually pretty fortunate that every month I've taken clomid I've ovulated at least one egg (in August I had two).

Like I said before, I go in next Tuesday (28th) to get my day 12 ultrasound. Basically, they just check me to see how things are progressing. If I have an egg that is at least 18mm, I'll get my HCG injection (forces me to ovulate). If I'm not ready yet, then depending on the size I'll have to go back in a few days. I've been fortunate the last few months because I've been ready on day 12 and haven't had to make the trip back to Seattle (about an hour drive with no traffic) for a 15 min., $150 appointment.

I'm switching gears a little - remember back at the beginning of my blogging I mentioned a friend who is pregnant, but things weren't going so well for the baby? Well, I got an update yesterday. I believe she is around 7 months (she's due the end of Dec.). Apparently the baby's bones are all too small compared to what they should be. One of the legs is missing the fibula. The ribs are not fully formed and not wrapping around like they should be. This problem alone could possibly not allow the baby to survive. The saddest part about her email was the fact that the doctors told her that she should not prepare a nursery. When I read that my heart sank. I mean how horrible to be told not even to bother with a nursery because your baby will not make it home. They aren't even sure it will make it to term. (the docs had asked her before about terminating the pregnancy - she declined) I am just so incredibly sad for her. I don't know what to say. She sent a mass email to everyone to give the update...I haven't replied...because I don't know what to even say...

On that note...I'm going to get back to work. I hope you all have a great day...I'm going to try to enjoy this gray sloppy weather here in western washington...ugh... :0)

quick quote

I was watching Oprah today. She had a woman on who suffered from a major stoke 12 years ago - who also happens to be a brain doctor. This woman completely recovered and wrote a book about her experience. Here is a quote Oprah read from the end of this woman's book called Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor:

"Your body is the life force and power, of some 50 trillion molecular geniuses. You and you alone choose moment by moment who and how you want to be in the world. I encourage you, pay attention to what is going on in your brain. Own your power and show up for your life. Beam bright."

These things keep jumping out at me. I got all choked up as Oprah was reading. I probably rewound that part three times to listen to her read it. What really stood out to me is "you alone choose moment by moment who and how you want to be in the world". I have to choose to be positive. I have to choose not to let my negative thoughts come in. Whew, I'm really getting this lesson pounded in, aren't I?

Plodding along...

Well, there isn't really anything new to report. Yesterday I started my Clomid. I've been really making a good effort to keep myself positive these days. Just like my previous post about my new theme song, I am trying to even listen to positive music.

I continue to remind myself to be thankful about my freedom and being able to come and go and say and do whatever I want. I have three dogs, so I guess they are enough to keep me busy for now.

Next Tuesday is my day 12 ultrasound. I'll keep you posted as to how that goes...

My new theme song!

I will put this song on my site as soon as I figure out how... Here are the lyrics though. I blast this on my iPod when I'm in the car. I just need to remember...one step at a time...

"One Step At A Time" - Jordin Sparks

Hurry up and wait

So close, but so far away

Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough for you to taste

But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]We live and we learn to take

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's

Supposed to happen and we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

You believe and you doubt

You're confused, you got it all figured out

Everything that you always wished for

Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours

If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer

But there's no end in sightwhen you need to find the strength

It's your faith that makes you stronger

The only way you get there

Is one step at a time

Signs

I believe God speaks to me. Not some booming voice I hear, but through other people or experiences, etc. Yesterday, I was reading a book and there was a certain quote that stuck out to me. I'm probably butchering it, but basically it's "you cannot see your reflection in running water, only still water". This struck me, because I feel like I am constantly moving. I am never content or really satisfied at any particular point in my life. I am always looking toward the next thing. For example: Not too long after my hubby and I started dating we started to talk about moving out together. About 11 months later, we did. After moving in together we started talking about getting married. Probably six or so months later we had my ring. The month after we got married I quit my birth control pills...and so the pattern continues...

I am not saying it is a bad thing to not be satisfied occasionally, but to always be looking for the next thing I think is not good. Yesterday I realized that about myself. It has been on my brain ever since.

Earlier this week a coworker told me about her "vision boards" or goal/dream board. After hearing about her board and how half of the things on that board have already happened to her, it got me thinking. So I went and bought some poster board and glue. All week I've been thumbing through magazines and mainly just cutting out words and sayings. Mine, at least this first one, will be more of an encouraging board or one to make me focus. Today I was so surprised at the number or sentences/headlines/quotes that stood out to me - they all related to being still and focusing, etc.

THEN, this evening I was at the mall and I was walking past a jewelry store. The store had a banner above the doors that said "savor the moment". Of course they were talking about diamonds or something, but it put a smile on my face and I kind of chuckled out loud. I mean God is really driving this into my head. He is telling me I need to enjoy right now. Enjoy being alone with my husband. Enjoy the freedom. Enjoy the the fact that we don't have to pay for diapers, daycare, bottles, etc.

As I childless person, I am free to come and go as I please. To sleep in as long as I want. To say whatever I want and watch and listen to whatever I want.

No, I am not at all changing my mind about having kids, but I am finally realizing how obsessed I've been and I've been missing out on other things. I'm only 26...I have time.

I am assuming after this next cycle I will probably be told I need to move on to something else, since the last 6 cycles of clomid haven't worked. My husband and I have started to talk about IVF. I have decided that if we get to that point I am going to take some time off from this fertility stuff and get my self in good shape. I have to admit, I am overweight and technically obese. I've heard both that weight does and does not effect fertility. I also have high cholesterol. Since I have PCOS my hormones and metabolism is wacky too. I figure if I take 3, 4, 5 or so months off and get into better shape, lower my cholesterol my metabolism and hormones will improve as well. This definitely couldn't hurt my fertility.

Well, today is day 30 of my cycle - still not sign of my period. If I don't have it by day 35, I'll take a pregnancy test. If it is negative, then I'll have to pop some pills to start my next cycle...

what to do????

Here is a mini outline of what I have on my brain:

1. Clomid cycle 6
2. IVF
3. $$$
4. my career

Okay, let's start with numero uno. I am still about a week away from when I am supposed to get my period. I HOPE that is comes. Even if I have to wait longer than 28 days....I just hope it comes. If/when it does come then I start popping my pills for the SIXTH time. I have a feeling in my gut that this is my last chance on clomid. I have a feeling that when this cycle fails...yes, I said when - I'm a little pessimistic these days..I have a feeling that the doc is going to say we need to move on to something else.

This leads me to number two. IVF. You may remember just a few short blogs ago I said I was against - totally against - IVF. Not at all because I was judgmental or that I didn't believe in it, it just didn't seem right for me. I didn't want a "test tube" baby. I hate needles and the thought of injecting myself everyday was obviously a HUGE turn off!

Well, I've "sort of" changed my mind. My husband and I have actually starting talking about IVF and actually are considering it. I figured, yes, I hate needles, but am I not going to try for a baby because of a silly fear? Also, the whole "test tube" baby thing...I'm telling myself "what is the big deal?" It's not like the baby is going to have a stamp on it's forehead and it's not like it will be an alien baby. I am being humbled by this experience. And I'm learning that it is okay to receive help (i.e. clomid and/or IVF, etc.) and that it doesn't matter in the big picture how the child got here as long as it was healthy.

Next...number three...the moolah...Yes. IVF is expensive. Another thought though is how can you put a price on a child? Besides, last January we forked over $6,000 for our dog's back surgery. Yep, that's right folks - $6 g's!! If we are willing to spend that much on our dog, what about for our family??? So, if cycle six doesn't work and we do decide to move on. We will have a plan. I will take a few months to get as healthy as I can. We will save, save, save. And we will take it one day at a time.

Lastly - and I'm breaking away from my fertility stuff for a moment - my career (or lack there of). For YEARS I've thought about becoming a teacher. At the beginning, I didn't have the money to pay for it. Then I would be wishy washy with my commitment. During this time I have been working an 8-5 office job. While I really really like the office and the people I work with, it is just not fulfilling. While I by no means want to change the world, I at least want to make a difference. I feel like if I fell off the face of the earth no one would even notice, in the grand scheme of things (and I mean professionally). I'd love to teach somewhere between 1st and 3rd grade.

My dilemma is how to go about it. Do I start now and take a break if we have children? Do I wait until we have children and I am settled enough to start? If I do start now and I do the evening courses for the two year degree, what do I do for the other two? Do I just work part-time? Can I finish online? What about student teaching? SO MANY QUESTIONS! And do I even worry about this now while we are dealing with this fertility crap. Ugh...any insight you readers may have would be helpful!!

Okay, I think that is enough. Ciao for now!!