Signs

I believe God speaks to me. Not some booming voice I hear, but through other people or experiences, etc. Yesterday, I was reading a book and there was a certain quote that stuck out to me. I'm probably butchering it, but basically it's "you cannot see your reflection in running water, only still water". This struck me, because I feel like I am constantly moving. I am never content or really satisfied at any particular point in my life. I am always looking toward the next thing. For example: Not too long after my hubby and I started dating we started to talk about moving out together. About 11 months later, we did. After moving in together we started talking about getting married. Probably six or so months later we had my ring. The month after we got married I quit my birth control pills...and so the pattern continues...

I am not saying it is a bad thing to not be satisfied occasionally, but to always be looking for the next thing I think is not good. Yesterday I realized that about myself. It has been on my brain ever since.

Earlier this week a coworker told me about her "vision boards" or goal/dream board. After hearing about her board and how half of the things on that board have already happened to her, it got me thinking. So I went and bought some poster board and glue. All week I've been thumbing through magazines and mainly just cutting out words and sayings. Mine, at least this first one, will be more of an encouraging board or one to make me focus. Today I was so surprised at the number or sentences/headlines/quotes that stood out to me - they all related to being still and focusing, etc.

THEN, this evening I was at the mall and I was walking past a jewelry store. The store had a banner above the doors that said "savor the moment". Of course they were talking about diamonds or something, but it put a smile on my face and I kind of chuckled out loud. I mean God is really driving this into my head. He is telling me I need to enjoy right now. Enjoy being alone with my husband. Enjoy the freedom. Enjoy the the fact that we don't have to pay for diapers, daycare, bottles, etc.

As I childless person, I am free to come and go as I please. To sleep in as long as I want. To say whatever I want and watch and listen to whatever I want.

No, I am not at all changing my mind about having kids, but I am finally realizing how obsessed I've been and I've been missing out on other things. I'm only 26...I have time.

I am assuming after this next cycle I will probably be told I need to move on to something else, since the last 6 cycles of clomid haven't worked. My husband and I have started to talk about IVF. I have decided that if we get to that point I am going to take some time off from this fertility stuff and get my self in good shape. I have to admit, I am overweight and technically obese. I've heard both that weight does and does not effect fertility. I also have high cholesterol. Since I have PCOS my hormones and metabolism is wacky too. I figure if I take 3, 4, 5 or so months off and get into better shape, lower my cholesterol my metabolism and hormones will improve as well. This definitely couldn't hurt my fertility.

Well, today is day 30 of my cycle - still not sign of my period. If I don't have it by day 35, I'll take a pregnancy test. If it is negative, then I'll have to pop some pills to start my next cycle...