My new bestie

I have a new BFF. It is the local library.

Until a few months ago, it had literally been YEARS since I had utilized the library. One day, it dawned on me, that there is no point in spending money to buy a book that I'm going to read one time when I can borrow it for free. I've also come to realize, even though I'm not elderly, I like audiobooks :0)

So far I've listened to only three, but I've enjoyed them. They are: s.Tori Te.lling, and two autobiographies from P.atricia Heat.on, and Re.ba Mc.Intire (those two women are awesome!). I've also read some self-help books, and a couple other stories.

Today I just picked up two "diet/lifestyle" books. We'll see how far I get.

One of the ones I just returned was Navigating the Land of IF, by Mel at Stirrup Queens. It was interesting. I wish I would have had that book when I first started my journey.

It's funny, I was thinking today that the library (at least the way I use it) is a lot like Ne.tflix. I have a whole variety of books and audiobooks on hold and they randomly become available, so it's always a surprise when I get the email saying I have a book ready.

The only bummer is that most of the really popular books have a long waiting list. A couple of the books I've wanted are about 40-50 people long. Oh well, I'm not in THAT much of a hurry I guess.

In AF news...I'm LIGHTLY spotting off and on. Hopefully tomorrow will progress a little more...I would just like to be able to have my cd2 appointment before this weekend. But, alas, I have no control. *sigh*

Happy Monday all!

The waiting game

The last pill was swallowed last night. It was such a huge releif to take the last one. Three weeks is a long time...in the IF world anyway.

I definitely think AF will be showing up soon. My ta-tas are sore, I am moohoohoody!, my hips sockets feel achy and I'm mega tired. Those are usually signs for me that "it" is coming.

My depression, in general, is way better the last few days. Other than having a meltdown last night, that had me leaving the house for a few hours, I've been doing pretty good. I really think last night was caused from PMS, the fact that my poor hubby has been VERY ill since Sunday, and my dogs are driving me bonkers.

Now, you wouldn't think that dogs would be that big of a deal, but mine are. They are clingy, whiney and - one of them in particular - is noisy! I have about an ounce of patience in general, but only about a quarter of that for the pooches. Ziggy, the basset, is the golden child. He (usually) can do no wrong. He's my buddy, and the baby of the group. The oldest, Wally, is the one I'd like to "rehome". I know I don't have the heart to ship him off to live with someone else, but man, oh man, how I would LOVE to sometimes.

So, I think last night with waiting on poor Hubby, bringing him juice, soup, meds, etc, and the barking, needy, whiny dogs (and my hormones), I had to get the heck out of the house before I exploded. I went to my parent's for a while...which distracted me, but (as it usually does) it brings up other issues.

By the time I got home I felt so much better. I was able to have a cry-fest and pity party in my car.

Today, I am way better. Thankfully! I really hate being Debby Downer, and ragging on myself about being so damn mad/sad all the time makes it worse.

Anywho, cross your fingers that AF shows up soon (and if you're the praying type, please send one up for Hubby. He's been really ill since Sunday, with not a whole lot of improvement).

I'm not dying!

Well, not that I ever thought I was, but...

I called the doctor about my wacky super sore arm and leg muscles and told him that my throat is more sore and now there is nastiness I'm hacking up. The verdict? I just have a virus.

I figured as much, but ya never know if something huge could have been lurking. I'm glad it is not anything serious. In fact, today was a much better day. Today I'm mostly sore just when I am sitting for a while and go to get up. I'm hoping tomorrow my body will feel even better and my throat will soon be feeling good again.

I just wanted to send an update.

Oh, and btw - only 2...that's right TWO more bcp's left. Can you tell I'm just a little excited? I just want to get this show on the road! I'm crossing my fingers that Aunty F shows her ugly mug soon!

It's a mystery!

Starting last Thursday afternoon my right forearm muscle started getting pretty sore. Over the next few hours both of my forearms were getting really really sore.

I woke up about 1:30am Friday more with really bad muscle pain in both arms from my armpits to my wrists. It hurt to even move my fingers because that moved my forearm muscles. It felt like I had bench pressed 500lbs.

To go along with it, on Thursday morning I started getting a sore throat. It wasn't scratchy, but just felt like a lump on the inside of my throat. Actually at first, I thought my vitamin had gotten stuck...but it hadn't.

Anyway, so Friday morning I called my general doctor's office to make an appointment. When I met with him I told him about the BCP I've been taking and about my sore throat and my sore muscles. I told him it wasn't joint pain, there has been no tingling or numbness. The outcome of the appointment? He has no idea what's going on. He doesn't think it's a side effect from the pill. We went over my activities for the week. I explained I had been a complete slug the whole week. Remember from my previous posts, I've been Debby Downer this week. I would basically come home from work put on my pj's and watch TV or read a book. That's it. He was stumped. He prescribed me some ibuprofen and said to stretch and ice and let him know if it gets worse or if it's not better in 5-7 days.

Well, I'll be calling him tomorrow. Friday night I thought I'd noticed my thigh muscle getting sore, but I figured I was just being paranoid. Yesterday Hubby and I decided to head to W.estport for the day for something to do. I popped some ibuprofen and I was feeling pretty...functional. Last night my legs got bad. Both legs, in my thigh and calf are really sore now. About 3am last night Hubby got me some more pain meds. It was bad.

This morning my throat is still sore (has been since Thursday), my arms and legs are still sore - in fact it has been really uncomfortable typing this post. I have an office job, so tomorrow should be fun, typing, running around the office and talking on the phone. Sigh.

I hope he can figure out what's going on. From all the research I've found online the two things that have popped up the most are Fi.bromyalgia and Ly.me disease. Who knows. One story I read was from a guy writing about his fiance. She has had unexplained muscle pain for four months and the docs don't know why. Excellent.

Anywho, I'll keep you posted.

In IF related news...I should be done with the pill on Thursday. Woot! Woot!

ALI GAB

Go check out ALI GAB. It's a new FREE chat site for folks who have experienced adoption, loss and/or infertility. And go visit In Due Time and thank her for this great site!



Happy Friday all!

P.S. I know I've been a major downer lately. I'm working on it and I promise I will try to be more chipper soon!

And...down I go...

Depressed. Again. I feel like this is the story of my life. I'm happy, positive, calm (but never really optimistic), and then down I go. I get depressed, moody, whiny, and pretty much throw a pity party for myself like it's 1999.

The last couple of days the party started. I'm usually okay at work, but as soon as I get home it sets in. Hubby works evenings. I get depressed when he's at work (although it is nice to have the house to myself once in a while), but I also get depressed when he's home during the week (because that means no money) - I know, I know, he can't win. He has no benefits at his job, so if he don't work, he don't get paid.

He's been sick off and on for about a month, maybe a little longer. He may, or may not, have Chron's disease...the docs could never say for sure. Anyway, he goes through bouts of feeling terrible. Thankfully his employer is very flexible and allows him to stay home whenever he needs to...but like I said, no work, no pay. So since he's been sick, he's missed work. Not a great financial month.

I've been thinking for a long time of ways to bring in extra dough. I am not crafty, so making stuff is out. Most recently I've thought about a second job. I currently work, Mon-Fri 8-5. So finding something in the evenings isn't really that great, but I could do weekends. I searched and searched online, but couldn't find much of anything for just weekends. Then I thought I could get in on the seasonal retail jobs, I'm sure they'd hire someone for weekends. Then I realized something...I can't get a second job. With all the appointments I normally have. Most of the time they land on a weekend. The office isn't EVER on time...I can't commit to anything else. I'm so blessed with an employer who is so flexible with me now. I can't get a job where I would have to have a shift covered or something. Ugh. That bummed me out - not the fact that I wanted to work more hours, but the extra dough would be nice.

I also am still feeling crummy on the pill. Thankfully, I'm not really nauseous during day anymore...it's just graduated to the night. I've woken up several times feeling ill and on the verge of puking...but I haven't yet (knock on wood).

I also realized today how much I really really miss a friend of mine. She moved to NC with her family a couple of years ago because her husband got stationed there. We used to be so close. We grew up together. She lived just down the dirt road from me. We rode the same school bus, had some of the same teachers, we were close. A few years ago her husband was deployed and while he was gone I would go over to her house every Saturday. I really enjoyed those visits. She was pregnant with baby no. 2 at that time and we would talk about the pregnancy and how I was thinking about starting fertility treatment. Then she moved. I was getting to see her twice a year between her coming out here with the kids and then another good friend of mine went back to see her too. Last year I bought a one-way ticket back there and then drove out here with her, and her then two kids. She stayed for about a month and then drove back. That was the last time I saw her. That was a year ago in May. We stayed in contact over the phone for a while, but really, the last 6 months or so, I probably have only talked to her maybe twice. She had baby no. 3 this past April. He is so ridiculously cute. I can't wait to meet him someday. I saw today on her Faceb.ook page that she had received a check from a car accident - I had no idea she was in one. She also mentioned something about getting into the accident when she was moving - I had no idea she moved. Then a relative of hers asked how she was doing since her husband was deployed - again, I had no idea.

I feel like such a horrible friend. I should be there for her more. I know she is a busy, busy woman with three kids, and now her hubby is gone again. I emailed her and vowed I would do better. I would call her this weekend (I have to do it then because of the time difference). I miss her so much.

The last two nights I have been in bed by 8pm. I'll read for a while and then go to sleep. I just want to escape. I really really dislike my life right now. I was telling Hubby, we have a pretty good life other than this IF issue. We don't have anything else to complain about, but I'd like to just disappear for a while. I'm feeling hopeless, like what is the point to life? If I'm not meant to have babies, what am I meant to do? I pray and pray for some direction or peace and there is nothing. I pray about adoption. Nothing. I pray about quitting. Nothing.

Okay, sorry to drag you to my depressing party. I'm done whining. Besides, I have book to finish!

My very first Show and Tell

This is my very first time to participate in Mel's Show and Tell. Today I will be showing my(very proud)self holding a lil gator. My parents took the whole family (me, hubby, my bro and his gf) to Florida for our Christmas present. Among other things, one of our outings was riding in an airboat. After the ride we had the opportunity to hold a baby gator. It was so cold and squishy. I though for sure it'd be hard and scaly on the bottom. This is quite a feat for me, since I HATE snakes or any reptiles...so holding this scaly creature is a big deal. Without any further ado...

Attn: Any Baton Rouge Readers

I just had this emailed to me from the folks at Sarah's Laughter (talk about short notice)...

If you are in the Baton Rouge, LA area, you are invited to the
Sarah's Laughter Infertility Support Group
meeting tonight, Tuesday, August 18, 2009 7:00--8:30 pm
Sarah's Laughter Infertility & Miscarriage Support Center
646 N. Foster, Suite B
Baton Rouge, LA

Great encouraging Web site!

I keep forgetting to post about this, but a fellow blogger (sorry I don't remember who) mentioned this site recently. I have since subscribed to their Daily Double Portions. It's a great encouragement and reminds me to keep my eyes on God, that he's in control and had a plan!

http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/

What are our other options?

Over the last month or two I have started thinking what our other options could be other than this fertility treatment.

One option is IVF. It's very expensive and not guaranteed. While it is still an option, I'm not sure our likelihood of going through with it.

Another option I've thought about is adoption. In the past it has crossed my mind, but I never really considered it - especially since Hubby is really not for it at all. Well, the last few weeks I've been thinking about it more and more. On Monday night my friend invited me to a bunco night with her friends. One of the girls there actually went through infertility treatments, then decided to adopt. They have one child they adopted. About a month ago, a couple (maybe three) more kids were brought into their house through our state's foster to adopt program. Anyway, I heard her talk about her kids a little bit that night. The friend that brought me (hi R!) had given me A's contact information a while ago. I was inspired last night to finally e-mail her. She e-mailed me back a few hours later. She said she'd love to get together and talk more about the process. *yikes!* I'm such a chicken. I feel like agreeing to this meeting would be like committing to start looking into adoption (ridiculous, I know).

I was looking at our state's Web site last night at the process of going through them to adopt and they had links to other Web sites. A couple of the sites actually listed the available children and their pictures. One of my biggest hang ups - and please don't judge me, I'm just being honest - is that most, if not all, of these children have mental or physical disabilities. I don't know if I can handle that. I think it would definitely be a different situation if I gave birth to a child with a disability, I obviously would love that child unconditionally and take care of whatever needs it had. But choosing a child with a disability...I just don't know. Like I said, please don't judge. I just don't think we have the resources (like $$$), for one, or the patience to take a toddler we don't even know and try to help.

I know not all children who are up for adoption have a disability, I'm sure most of these children did because they were through the state and DSHS probably took the children away from abusive parents or drug/alcohol environments. I also feel so bad for the other children who are older. The 12 to 14 to 16 year old kids. I know most folks who are looking to adopt are looking for younger children. Plus, for me, I feel like since I'm only the ripe old age of 27, that I have no skills to try to finish raising a teenager! I was a teenager only 10 years ago!

Anyway, moving on...those those are our two biggest options when we decide to move on from what we're doing.

Obviously out last option is to not have children period. Hubby and I have talked recently about a trip of a lifetime we'd love to take: visiting Seal Island in South Africa. And I figured while we're in SA, we might as well do a safari! These trips aren't cheap! The airfare alone for the two of us to get there is like $10,000. How cool would that be though to save up and every 5 years or so go on a huge trip like that! We definitely couldn't do that with children!

We are also HUGE dog lovers. We've daydreamed about having a house with a lot of property and breeding dogs, or maybe being a foster home to dogs...something like that. This is also something I don't see us doing with children...at least not young ones.

Okay,well this post turned out WAY longer than I expected it to be. I just thought I'd get my thoughts out into the universe.

I hope you are all enjoying your Thursday!

Side effects???

I started the birth control pills last Thursday (Reclipsen). I don't know how fast it hits my system, but this weekend I was SUPER tired, a little depressed, and today I'm nauseous - all but the tiredness are side effects of that pill. Excellent.

I worked until noon today and then came home. I had a couple of close calls, panicking, thinking I needed to grab my garbage can so I could vomit. THANKFULLY I didn't (I really really hate puking - I'm actually scared to puke).

Anyway, I called the doctor's office and left them a voicemail. I know there is nothing that they can do about it, but maybe if I need to go on it again he can prescribe something else...or maybe I'm just sick.

So here I am curled up on the recliner, with a blanket, the TV remote, my laptop, a magazine and a book - the essentials for feeling crappy.

My last pill will be Sept. 2. Hopefully I don't feel crappy the whole time!

This cycle's Rx: BCP

You guessed it! The cyst is still there. Dang it!!!

The remedy? Birth.Control.Pills. It seems so backwards, but I know that's how it works.

It is pretty darn close to exactly 4 years ago, to the day, that I quit taking them.

The doctor was going over my chart. He said, "You've had three ovulatory cycles, with well timed IUI's and good sperm. Why aren't you pregnant?"

Uh, gee, you're the doc, why don't you tell me? I didn't say anything, I just waited for him to continue. He said I may have endometriosis and that could be why I'm not pregnant.

I asked if I did have it, would that mean my uterine lining isn't allowing the egg to attach? He said no, it basically means that my fallopian tubes are getting confused and moving toward the blood blisters (the little cysts I have on my ovaries) instead of the ONE follicle I'm growing each cycle. The solution is to do a SUPER ovulatory (multiple follicles) cycle the next time and see if that works. He asked how many ampules of Fostimon I have. I have 33. He said to prepare myself to burn through my supply this next cycle. **gulp**

Until the next cycle, I'm taking three weeks of bcp's. I'm to call his office the day I start my period and I go in day two for an u/s and if all looks good to go, day 3 will be the start of my injections.

Good news though, the u/s today (which they were and hour and a half late in calling me back), was billable to insurance because it was for an ovarian cyst. Yay! That'll save me $50 (I'll still have to pay the copay).

The Conception Chronicles

The Conception Chronicles, by three authors; Debano, Menzel and Sutphen. Have any of you read it?

I think it is a pretty good book for TTC beginners. Nothing really related to me until about halfway through. It was a good book though about these three women and what they went through on their journeys. More than once they wrote about things I thought I was the only one who felt that way.

They talked a lot about experiencing each step of the TTC process with your spouse. It ranged from just starting with quitting the pill, to Clomid, to IUI, injectables and IVF. They even touched on adoption, surrogacy, and donors.

Anyway, I wouldn't say to run out and buy it, but if you are fairly new to the "game" and want to brush up on the processes of things, I think this is a good one to borrow from the library.

Most of it is available on books.google.com if you'd like to read some before committing.

43 day cycle is officially over

Today is day 1 of my 11th ART cycle. **sigh**

I called an made my cd3 u/s appointment for Thursday. It was really sweet, the receptionist was really bummed out too. Sometimes I guess they can be human and not treat me like a nuisance ruining their day.

Well, hopefully the cyst is gone and we can start back up right away.

Here we go again!

Spotting

Last night I started spotting. I did have slight ovarian cramping on my left side (where the "cyst" is/was) last night. So I don't know if it burst and the spotting is from that, or if Aunty F is on her way. I don't have any other PMS symtoms, like uterine cramping or mood swings or fatigue, so who knows.

I STILL have not gotten called from the doctor about my progesterone test, so I still don't know if I ovulated. I think I'll wait until tomorrow to call them again so I can see what my body decides to do today.

I'll keep you posted.