And...down I go...

Depressed. Again. I feel like this is the story of my life. I'm happy, positive, calm (but never really optimistic), and then down I go. I get depressed, moody, whiny, and pretty much throw a pity party for myself like it's 1999.

The last couple of days the party started. I'm usually okay at work, but as soon as I get home it sets in. Hubby works evenings. I get depressed when he's at work (although it is nice to have the house to myself once in a while), but I also get depressed when he's home during the week (because that means no money) - I know, I know, he can't win. He has no benefits at his job, so if he don't work, he don't get paid.

He's been sick off and on for about a month, maybe a little longer. He may, or may not, have Chron's disease...the docs could never say for sure. Anyway, he goes through bouts of feeling terrible. Thankfully his employer is very flexible and allows him to stay home whenever he needs to...but like I said, no work, no pay. So since he's been sick, he's missed work. Not a great financial month.

I've been thinking for a long time of ways to bring in extra dough. I am not crafty, so making stuff is out. Most recently I've thought about a second job. I currently work, Mon-Fri 8-5. So finding something in the evenings isn't really that great, but I could do weekends. I searched and searched online, but couldn't find much of anything for just weekends. Then I thought I could get in on the seasonal retail jobs, I'm sure they'd hire someone for weekends. Then I realized something...I can't get a second job. With all the appointments I normally have. Most of the time they land on a weekend. The office isn't EVER on time...I can't commit to anything else. I'm so blessed with an employer who is so flexible with me now. I can't get a job where I would have to have a shift covered or something. Ugh. That bummed me out - not the fact that I wanted to work more hours, but the extra dough would be nice.

I also am still feeling crummy on the pill. Thankfully, I'm not really nauseous during day anymore...it's just graduated to the night. I've woken up several times feeling ill and on the verge of puking...but I haven't yet (knock on wood).

I also realized today how much I really really miss a friend of mine. She moved to NC with her family a couple of years ago because her husband got stationed there. We used to be so close. We grew up together. She lived just down the dirt road from me. We rode the same school bus, had some of the same teachers, we were close. A few years ago her husband was deployed and while he was gone I would go over to her house every Saturday. I really enjoyed those visits. She was pregnant with baby no. 2 at that time and we would talk about the pregnancy and how I was thinking about starting fertility treatment. Then she moved. I was getting to see her twice a year between her coming out here with the kids and then another good friend of mine went back to see her too. Last year I bought a one-way ticket back there and then drove out here with her, and her then two kids. She stayed for about a month and then drove back. That was the last time I saw her. That was a year ago in May. We stayed in contact over the phone for a while, but really, the last 6 months or so, I probably have only talked to her maybe twice. She had baby no. 3 this past April. He is so ridiculously cute. I can't wait to meet him someday. I saw today on her Faceb.ook page that she had received a check from a car accident - I had no idea she was in one. She also mentioned something about getting into the accident when she was moving - I had no idea she moved. Then a relative of hers asked how she was doing since her husband was deployed - again, I had no idea.

I feel like such a horrible friend. I should be there for her more. I know she is a busy, busy woman with three kids, and now her hubby is gone again. I emailed her and vowed I would do better. I would call her this weekend (I have to do it then because of the time difference). I miss her so much.

The last two nights I have been in bed by 8pm. I'll read for a while and then go to sleep. I just want to escape. I really really dislike my life right now. I was telling Hubby, we have a pretty good life other than this IF issue. We don't have anything else to complain about, but I'd like to just disappear for a while. I'm feeling hopeless, like what is the point to life? If I'm not meant to have babies, what am I meant to do? I pray and pray for some direction or peace and there is nothing. I pray about adoption. Nothing. I pray about quitting. Nothing.

Okay, sorry to drag you to my depressing party. I'm done whining. Besides, I have book to finish!