Odd phone call...

Yesterday I called Dr. M's office about starting Provera so I can move on to the the next cycle. I had to leave a message with the more competent of the two receptionists. That's beside the point, anyway, Dr. M just called me back. He said he was calling because I called asking for Provera. I told him, I really just called to see if that what he thought I should do, since I don't have my periods on my own. He said, so you didn't get your period(sounding hopeful)? My first thought was duh I got my period why else would I be calling you, if I didn't do you think I wouldn't think I was preggo!! But I said, yes, I got my period. It started on Easter. He mumbled "that's disappointing" and then said "you got a negative urine test?" I panicked for a second...I said "yes, I got a negative"...but the truth is, I got my period the day I was going to take a test. I don't know why I didn't tell him that, and why I felt like I needed to lie...

Anyway, he said that I need to come in on Monday for a progesterone test and if that turns out negative then I'll start the Provera.

Now I'm sitting here thinking about those stories you hear about women who thought they had their period, but they didn't and they were actually pregnant (I did watch that "I didn't know I was pregnant" show on the Discovery Channel last night...bad idea...)And I'm thinking about if that's true that I've damaged my poor lil' fetus because I drank two alcoholic drinks last Friday.

I'm sure it will be negative, but I'm going to take a test just to be sure...too bad I pee'd recently. I guess I'll have to wait a while. Darn doctor, getting me all confused.

I'll let you know if any amazing miracles happen tonight...but don't hold your breath, I'm not...but I just wouldn't be able to sleep tonight without confirming.

...very odd indeed...

Here's yer sign!!

I'm fat.

I know that I can afford to lose a pound or 50, but I keep putting it off. I always say "I"ll start on Monday"...well, it is Monday and I sure got a sign this morning. I put on some slacks for work and I was thinking as I was walking around the house that they felt a little bigger than normal. I thought "Cool, I'm losing weight without even trying!". Well, I realized when I got to work that I busted out my zipper!!! Not the zipper itself, but the stitching that attaches my zipper to my pants...ya, it's gone! So, until I go home for lunch today I'm going to have to make sure my shirt is pulled down as much as it can when I'm walking around...but mainly I think I'll sit at my desk for the next 2 1/2 hours.

If busting a seam in my pants isn't a sign enough for me...then I don't know what is!! **insert the V8 sound of someone knocking me on the head**

Here we go again...and I can't blame the drugs!

My emotional roller coaster has taken off and it is not drug induced this time! Yesterday was a pretty decent day, but when the evening rolled around the water works started!

I don't know what started it, I was just minding my own business watching TV and playing on the 'net. I just started getting super depressed thinking about my life. I don't mean to sound all dramatic, I know it is really not that bad at all, but still...

I think part of it started when I remembered earlier in the day I discovered new hairs growing on my chiny-chin-chin. Actually I found them on my cheek and jaw. It is so depressing being a chick and finding "man" hair on your face. I bet I could grow a goatee now! Seriously I've got it going on on my neck and chin and even a mustache - lucky me!! Okay, so I'm trying to make light of it, but it really really sucks!

Then I was thinking about how I go to work, then come home and sit around all night just waiting for bedtime, then go to bed and do it all over again. My only stimulation at home is my dogs who recently have been REALLY driving me bonkers and of course some TV and internet action. I don't have a hobby, my hubby is gone to work until about 9 or 10 pm.

I figure if I had a baby then I would have lots to do and someone to interact with and play with - I can only do so much of that with dogs - lol

I was also thinking about how I'm really not looking forward to going back to Dr. M's office again. The nurses really are idiots. If it wasn't for my confidence in Dr. M, I'd probably try to find somewhere else to go - even though he is a little weird.

I really, really, really didn't want to do another IUI - it was so uncomfortable! But hey, what choice do I have? None. Nada. Zilch. It has to be done and I'll do whatever I need to to get knocked up!

So all of that was swimming around in my mind and it kept building and builing and by the time Hubby got home from work last night I was a mess. I finished watching Grey's A.natomy, got up, kissed Hubby on the head and walked to bed. He followed me and cuddled me, rubbing my back and listening to me blubber on and on about "woe is me...". After I calmed down and was yawning and closing my eyes he left and I drifted off to sleep.

And here I am back at work, and my only plans after work today are to go home...and hang with the dogs....*sigh*

~~Update~~ Right after publishing this post I got a text from a friend of mine. I have plans tonight!! YAY!! I'm not a loser after all! - lol

Wow...men...

To celebrate Administrative Professionals Day, my office takes our "support staff" out to lunch (there are 6 girls). It is really just us, the support staff manager and the VP of Operations. We have to take a few cars to get everyone to the restaurant, so me and another coworker ride with the VP. The VP drove, the coworker was riding shotgun and I was in the backseat.

We barely even make it out of the parking lot when VP says "So, Jen, any plans in the near future?"

I'm like, huh??? I say "What do you mean?"

He says "Ya know, like in the next 6-12 months, anything going on?". As soon as he said this I knew what he was asking. I was completely mortified. Thankfully the coworker knows my "situation" and she just kept her mouth shut and looked out the window.

I replied back something like "I don't know what you are talking about".

He then said "Well, you're young and newly married. Do you guys plan on having kids?" Um, what?!?!

"I say, yes, eventually, when the timing is right, we'd like kids..."

He says "Do you want to be mom?"

I'm like "Uh, yes, that would be nice..." Then THANKFULLY the coworker changed the subject.

I couldn't believe he would just bluntly come out and ask me that! I mean hello!! how rude!!

100th post, and stuff...

Hooray, this is my 100th post! I never thought I'd be a blogger, but man, it is good therapy for me! I think I am a lot less stressed when I can type out what I'm going through and getting good and encouraging feedback from all of you fellow bloggers. Not to mention, I enjoy reading along with all of your infertility journeys too.

I have to say, as much as it sucked to get my period, there were some positives. It happened during vacation, so I couldn't really be down in the dumps too much since I was preoccupied with our activities, etc. I also didn't have to face everyone at work right away. I had the whole week to get over it and be able to talk about it. Thankfully, I really didn't get asked about it at all today (my first day back).

I figure it's not so bad taking this month off. Even though I didn't want to take any more breaks, I didn't have a choice about it this time and instead of being pissed off about it, I'm trying to find the positives. It will give my body a break from all the drugs I'm pumping through it, it will give our wallet a break from forking out money left and right, and it will give my mind a break from thinking about every ache or cramp or twinge I feel.

I'm thinking though, I'll probably call the doc next week and see if he wants to start me on the 10 days of Provera. By the time I call and and then take the 10 days worth, it will be about 28 days or so.

I do have to say though, it did suck having AF during vacation. I joked with Hubby and my mom about how I couldn't go in the water because I didn't want to attract the sharks - lol.

Although it is a little nice to be home, I really would rather be back on the beach and not back to reality.

On a break...again...

I called the doc's office yesterday to see if Dr. M wanted to fax my prescription for Femara in to the local FL Walgreens. Turns out I have to have another ultrasound before he'll prescribe it. Since I am across the country and won't be home for 4 more days, this next cycle isn't going to happen.

I'm supposed to call when I get my period again, but since I don't O on my own, I guess I'll be calling in about 3 weeks for Provera. **sigh**

Oh well, I guess that gives me time to recover from my two sinus infections and the side effects from the antibiotics before I get to feel the effects of the fertility drugs.

Goodbye 2009 baby...hopefully there'll be a 2010!!

And the drum roll please............

Negative! Yep, that's right, and I didn't even have to take a test to prove it. My plan was to take a test tomorrow morning, but AF showed up bright and early this morning. I guess that's better than holding on to hope.

Thank God though that I have my wonderful vacation in sunny Florida to not let my spirits stay too low. I'm surrounded by my family and my hubby, the beach and the sun. It's better than getting AF at home where it is currently 50 degrees and raining.

I think the worst part about having this be negative - besides the obvious - is that I will have to do another IUI. Mine was pretty miserable, and I really hoped I wouldn't have to do it again...but what choice do I have.

I'm trying to keep positive and enjoy the next 5 days of vacation. At least now I can have all the caffeine and alcohol I want!

Well, just wanted to give an update. Later ya'll!!

9 DPO and Dr. Google

Well, I've been searching Dr. Google today. I know that there is every symptom under the sun recorded as a "early pregnancy symptom", but I had to search anyway.

I have been really really tired the last few days, I've also been gassy (sorry, TMI), urinating a lot and today I seem to have a head cold AGAIN (I had one a few weeks ago that turned into a sinus infection - not good timing for flying in two days). Anywho, I was whining to a coworker of mine and she said that she's heard that a low immune system could be a sign...so I hit up Dr. Google.

Sure enough, gas, fatigue, frequent urination and even stuffy sinuses can all be a sign even as early as 7 DPO...

Of course this brought me a little ray of sunshine and I figured what the heck, if I have to deal with a stuffy head, bring it on! if that means I'm pregnant!! Heck, give me the flu and a rash, whatever you gotta do! - lol It makes my plugged ears, stuffy sinuses and a rough throat a little more pleasant when I think of it that way.

I'm still on the fence about testing. At first I thought I'd test on the 13th - 14 DPO...then I thought well, I could do it early, like tomorrow - 10DPO...and now I'm thinking I should wait until the 15th which would be 16 DPO, and I would for sure have AF by then, if she was coming.

I don't know what I'll do. We'll see. I may or may not have internet access while I'm gone April 10-18, but if I do, you know I'll keep you posted!!

A step in the right direction

I had a voicemail from Dr. M today. My progesterone test from yesterday came back that I "ovulated very well". I don't know what "very well" means (you either do or you don't, right?), but I'll take it as good news!

Oh and side note - I saw a commercial today for a First Res.ponse Fer.tility Test. Weird huh? Not a ovulation test, a stick to pee on to see if you are even fertile.

Some people's children!

I went to Dr. M's office today to get my blood drawn to check my progesterone. Not so lucky me, I get GA girl to do it (you will remember her from this post). I was really hoping it wouldn't be her...Anyway, as she stabs me with the needles she asks, in a demanding way "Are you pregnant yet?!?" I was rather shocked, and then pissed, but said something like "I don't know, I'll find out next week. I hope so." She replies "I hope so too" (in a tone that makes me feel like my appointments are keeping her from her precious television shows!).

I'm like - helllooooo! you know why I'm here, I see you at least once a week. Look at my damn chart if you can't remember. Ugh. She should know, working in a fertility clinic, the reason I'm here. AH!! I was so mad. But I had the needle jabbed in my arm to keep me calm. I really wanted to kick her or say something back...but I just gritted me teeth and walked out when she was done. How rude!

And, speaking of people's children being rude...well, I guess it's not rude, but some people just don't know any better. I'm really kicking myself for opening my big fat mouth and telling some people at work about my "situation". Twice already today (and it's only 1:20) I've been asked about pregnancy...one of the people I don't even remember saying anything to, so either I just plain don't remember or someone else told. I hate that when people tell someone else's news. I have confided in a few select people about what is going on, but the rest I regret. One girl, she is the dumbest person I think I've ever met, and I don't mean that in a bad way, but really she is stupid...anyway every frickin' time I see her she asks me when I'm going to take a test and everytime frickin' time I tell her when I'm on vacation. Some of us at the office call her "Big R", it means "big retard". I know, I know, it is mean and horrible, and I do feel bad...sometimes. Really, you just have to know her.

Another girl today saw my taped cotton ball on my arm and asked if I donated blood. I said "Not voluntarily" and she said "OH! Is is for...(she then started rubbing her belly)" I said we'll find out....(ugh!) - she is the one I don't know how she knows. As she's making a big deal out of it another lady come by and she's like "what? what?" I keep walking and don't even look at her and I said "it's nothing".

Some people's children...

Halfway there!

Today marks the halfway point. This time next week I'll be peeing on a stick again. I really have been a roller coaster of emotions this last week. I'm blaming hormones, but who knows. I've had more lows than highs, but what else is new :0)

I did have a very good weekend though. I visited my friend and her new baby on Friday night, so cute!! Saturday I did a little yard work (since it was near 70 degrees!!) and visited with some other girl friends. Sunday, I mowed the lawn and cleaned up the yard some more (was even warmer outside!) and watched Lost with my friend who was catching up on the episodes.

Now it's crunch time. I have a list of chores to do at the house and a list of work to be done at the office in the next four days. Then it's OFF TO FLORIDA!! I'm excited. I can't wait to have 10 days of chilling out in the warm climate right on the beach.

I think I mentioned this before, but I had hoped the impending vaction would distract me from thinking about testing...well it's just made me think about both...all the time! I feel like I have a little angel on one shoulder encouraging me and telling me that it could happen this time. I have heard from several fellow bloggers that they got pregnant on their first IUI. But the little devil on the other shoulder is saying "don't kid yourself, you'll never get pregnant". And why is it we always listen to the negative? I guess, because in my case, the negative has be right for the last 3 1/2 years.

I was just telling hubby last night that I hate that the PMS symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are the same thing. I feel a lot going on, but I guess it could mean either thing...I'll just have to keep waiting until next week. It's a real bummer that the alternative to getting a positive is getting my period...on vacation too...lame!

Prayer Request

Please pray for Amanda. She just lost her baby at 7 weeks.

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to!

Yes, it is my birthday today and despite my good appointment this morning. I am feeling a little depressed. I have been moody and irritable all week. I'm blaming it on hormones, but I really don't know for sure. I seriously feel like I could break down and cry at any minute.

Before 8am this morning I started getting texts from my friends wishing me a happy birthday. Then I get one from my mom. Yep, that's right. She didn't even call me, she texted me. Nice, huh? That is what started my bad mood.

I'm going to whine a little about my family (which I try not to do on here, because that could be a whole other blog in itself!) - so bear with me. In January, my little, felon, brother turned 22. For his birthday my mom asked him what he wanted for dinner. He wanted homemade chicken noodle soup. My mom is not much of a cook, so I went over to help her. We made noodles from scratch and everything. Today, the good daughter that I am, I get a text. I reply to the text "what are you making me for dinner - j/k! :0)". I figure she'll reply with whatever you want, or something like that. She writes back "grilled steak". She doesn't invite me over or anything. Well, I don't want steak for dinner, so I'm not going. I know that may be childish on my part, but we have 27 years of history together and that is just how I feel today. To top it off I've been thinking all week what I wanted for dinner, thinking she would ask, like she has for a long as I can remember. I usually say "I don't know" or "I don't care, surprise me", well I actually thought of something...but I guess I dont' get to choose this year.

Well, wouldn't ya know, as I'm typing this I get another TEXT from her..."will Adam be joining us?". Oh, so I guess I am invited. Whatever. Since I am a nice person and a HUGE pushover I won't say anything, I'll go over there with a smile on my face and pretend like nothing is bothering me. Ugh, I hate myself sometimes.

Oh and just to give you a snipet of my mother. She doesn't ask me EVER about this fertility stuff. I asked her once if she read my blog and she said my situation depresses her so she doesn't want to read about it. Thanks for your support MOM!! I told her about my IUI Monday - when she called me asking about luggage knowing I was having it done that day. After I was finished, she changed the subject to how happy she is to have the rest of the week off and how she gets to sleep in. URG!!!

The alternative to going over there is to go home, alone (since Hubby is working tonight) and have dinner by myself. This is a much more attractive option to me. Oh well.

Okay, I'm done ranting now. Happy frickin' birthday to me!!

Waiting for Marriage

All I can do now is wait for the marriage of Adam's sperm and my egg. Yes, it is official, my follicle burst, so my lil' eggy is or has made its way down my fallopian tubes.

I thought with the Florida trip as a distraction I'd not think so much about the 2ww, but I find myself thinking about Florida AND the 2ww ALL THE TIME.

I got to see a little personality out of Dr. M this morning. I've said before how weird and quirky and, well, weird he is. Nice guy and all, but just a little socially awkward. Anywho, while I'm laying there getting my vag probed he's talking to the nurse about so-and-so being out of the office today and what is he supposed to do about cookies, because she makes good cookies and the nurse is saying well, this other so-and-so will be here at 11 and she makes good cookies too. They were laughing...it was kind of weird. THEN when I met him in his office afterward to talk about the u/s I reminded him that I will be out of town the week I'm testing or getting my period. He asked where I was going and then proceeded to pull this very large atlas out of his desk drawer and we looked at the map and talked about the naval base near Pensacola and how it'd be a nice day trip to visit (for him not me)...it was kind of nice to see that he's human.

Then he wrote me a prescription to get my blood drawn at any ol' hospital while I'm in Florida if I get a positive test or miss my period. Not exactly what I'd like to do on my vacation, but hey, if it gives me a positive result that will make it the best darn vacation ever!!!

Coworkers

Ya can't live with 'em, but you can't live without 'em. I felt compelled to send an email to some coworkers today regarding my "fertility situation". It was really only aimed at one person in particular, but becuase I'm a passive person, I didnt' want to single her out, so I sent it to about 4 people. I spoke with the other three about it so they knew it really wasn't meant for them. I decided to send this after this mornings "interrogation" when I first walked in the door. This coworker LOVES to gossip and get new information. Stupid me, I've been keeping her in the loop with all my "treatments". This morning as soon as I walk in she asks - "so, how are you feeling? Are your boobs sore yet????". Instantly I was pissed. Through my teeth I told her that I felt fine and that even if I am pregnant I wouldn't know it for two weeks. Here is the email I sent:

Good morning!

I just wanted to send a quick note to those who know about my current treatment. It is very exciting what the next two weeks could hold for me, but it is also very real and emotional for me. There is a good chance it could have a negative outcome. I appreciate everyone’s enthusiasm, but please don’t get your hopes up yet, and try not to get mine up. I have been dealing with this “situation” for 3 ½ years and it’s all been disappointment. I won’t know if it is a negative or positive result until the week of the 13th and I will be on vacation. As I usually do, I’ll keep you posted.

Thanks for your understanding!

Straight and to the point. This person has not said another word to me all day - woohoo! :0)