It's finally over!

I don't know why, but I've totally not been looking forward to Christmas. I'm guessing it is because it doesn't mean much when there aren't little kids in the family. I have no nieces or nephews, and obviously no kids of my own, so it is just another day in my opinion.

However, I did have a really good day today. I made a pot roast in the crock pot with potatoes and carrots, and I baked a cherry pie. It was simple and yummy. Adam's mom, brother and his mom's boyfriend came over for dinner and we played Guitar Hero for about 3 hours. It was hilarious. There was a wide range of skill levels between the 5 of us, so it was amusing. It was just a nice night to hang out and spend time with the family.

My side of the family is getting together on Sunday to do our Christmas. My mom, who was stranded in WI, is coming home tomorrow night. It will be me, hubby, my bro and his girlfriend and my parents. We'll end up spending the day watching football and playing Wii.

I am glad though that all this build up to Christmas is over. This is the first year I had to shop on Christmas Eve. I had a good start to shopping (started in Sept.), but for some reason I just couldn't finish. Tomorrow I will start disassembling everything. I need to buy a couple of tubs to put wrapping paper/bags in and I need one for all my fall/Halloween stuff. OH! And I have to remember to buy a large bag to stuff the tree in. I've seen them at several stores, but I just need to remember to grab one.

I'm sitting here typing and talking to Adam at the same time. He just got done saying to me, "We need to have a baby by next Christmas for your sake and mine. Or else the holidays are going to be really miserable." I totally agree.

On a happy note. Remember in one of my early posts I talked about a friend of mine who was pregnant, but the baby had some deformities and just wasn't growing properly. Well, she was born yesterday, on Christmas Eve! That event, in itself, it a miracle. The doctors has suggested my friend abort the pregnancy since there were so many issues - they didn't think it would survive to term. They had a little girl, Daphne Faith. She still has a hole in her lung, so she's on a respirator. There are some other issues, but in my friend's email she didn't make it out to seem like such a huge deal. The doctors has told her not to prepare a nursery, since the baby, if born, would probably not make it home. Well, they are hoping to bring her home in two weeks. Wow, the power of prayer. It is such a miracle she is here. I just continue to pray that she is healthy enough to go home and live a quality life.

Alrighty, I'm off to spend the last hour and half of Christmas day enjoying my husband and the time we have alone together, because I'm hoping this is the last Christmas we will be alone!

I hope you all had a great day! Now we're on to the new year!

White Christmas?!?!?!!

I can't believe Christmas is four days away and we have a foot of snow. Could it be possible that we have a white Christmas this year???? For those of you who don't know. I live in the pacific northwest, more specifically, western WA. We rarely have snow. When we do, it is usually in January, only a dusting or an inch or two and it is gone in 24-48 hours. Well, not this year!

Last weekend we got our typical dusting, but it was COLD! That dusting stuck a round and then last Wednesday it started DUMPING snow. Seriously! We had about 6-8 inches on Friday and now I'm sure we are over a foot! Sadly, we had a minor casualty last night...our gazebo collapsed. I had thought about taking the snow off the top yesterday but I didn't do it. Well, last night, down it went. We heard a crash and hubby and I looked and each other and I said, "gazebo!" We went out and sure enough, it was crumpled. We tried saving it, but it is gone. It is beyond repair. Sad. I got it for my birthday last April from my parents.

Speaking of parents...this Christmas was destined to be a strange one. Initially, my brother (younger, 21 yo) was supposed to leave on Friday for Alaska for 3 months to work on a fish processing boat. We were planning to have our family Christmas before he left. Well, at the last minute it didn't work out so he didn't go. So, back to plan A, Christmas at my parents. Well, on Thursday my mom flew to Wisconsin to surprise her sister who's turning 60. My mom has a large family. There are 8 sisters and 1 brother. All but one was able to make it to the surprise party. My mom was supposed to be back on Tuesday, but she called this morning and said the Minneapolis airport was closed due to weather. She asked how I felt if she stayed there for Christmas. Since it is a very very rare thing that all of them (including my grandmother) are all together especially for Christmas, I told her to go for it!

So, this year, on Christmas day...I don't know what we are going to do. I've never in my 26 years missed a Christmas with my family. I'm thinking I will see if my dad and my brother want to have breakfast together or something. I can't imagine my dad being alone on Christmas. Sad! I at least have my husband and my brother has his girlfriend, but my dad would be home alone with the dogs.

I was also thinking that it would be nice for my husband and his family to all get together on Christmas day. I will have to propose that when he gets up. We were planning to get together on Tuesday, but Christmas day would be the best.

Well, I'm going to go make myself some cocoa, and sit and watch the snow keep on falling...

Vacation!!!

I just wanted to say how freakin' excited I am to have the next two week off! I really need it because work has majorly sucked lately!

Hubby is off with me and we have no plans and totally love it!

Merry Christmas y'all!

I wanna be average!

The average person is right handed - I'm left handed

The average woman in the US is 5'4" - I'm 5'11"

The average woman ovulates regularly - I rarely do at all

The average woman has a vertical uterus: mine is retroverted (tilted back)...

...yep, just learned that. Nice. Thanks gyno for telling me about this, just like you told me about my pcos. I remember the fertility doc mentioning it when she did my initial ultrasound a year ago. I got my records from them because I'm going to the new office in a couple of weeks. They mentioned it all over my records. It made me really nervous at first. I thought I had another obstacle in my way on my road to conceiving. Thankfully, it isn't really that big of a deal, but it just made me thing...geesh, I just want to be "normal" and average. I wonder what that's like - lol

Another thing I learned from looking at my records...my "doctor" did even review some of my appointments until 3 months later!! That's right, THREE MONTHS! What a bunch of crap. This is one of the records:

Performed: 1/18/08 Released: 1/18/08 Reviewed: 4/27/08 Reviewed by: Lorna Marshall

Marshall is/was my doc...

Anywho, just wanted to share. :0)

Here's to new beginnings at a new office! **cheers**

P.S. this is my 50th post! Woohoo :0)

Busy Bee

Whew! I have quite a marathon in front of me. Sometime between now and tomorrow I have to roll up a ton of little ham/cream cheese thingies (yes, technical term ;)), and bake some pumpkin pies for a Christmas party tomorrow. Then I have to figure out what the heck to do for my father-in-law and his girlfriend, AND my bro-in-law for Christmas before Sunday. AND between now and Monday I have 6 dozen cookies to bake. Oh my...busy, busy, busy. On top of that my mom threw me a curve ball. The item we got her for Christmas just happens to be the very same thing she got from her boss. I have to decide if she'd want two, or if I need to come up with something else. Oh my.

Maybe, with all these distractions I can go the weekend without crying myself to sleep, which has seemed to be quite the bad habit this week. Poor hubby, he's such a trooper. I guess that what he's here for, for me to drench his shoulder.

OH! I forgot to mention, I scheduled ANOTHER consultation appointment with the new baby doc. Hopefully this one won't get canceled or rescheduled. It's for January 7. It sounds so far away but really it is less than a month.

Well, wish me luck this weekend. I feel exhausted already! :0)

TMI Alert!

**warning, what you are about to ready may be too much information** -Cathy, you might want to sit this one out :0)

Okay, so I have to ask...has anyone else's sex life totally gone down the dumper since trying to conceive? We have only been married 3 1/2 years, and we are like 80 year olds in our sex life. I am no fiend, but geesh, more than once every 6 weeks would be nice. ESPECIALLY, when TTC. When we are going through a cycle on clomid and ultrasound monitoring we "do" what we are supposed to, when we are supposed to, but it is absolutely no fun. In turn, it has made any "fun time" no fun. It seems like a job.

I have talked to hubby about this several times. He says he gets into a funk - which I TOTALLY can relate to, but doesn't a man want it more often than a woman??? Seriously, back in September, we went 6 weeks. Now we are going on about 4 weeks. I guess the hope of conceiving on months when I'm not taking drugs isn't a possibility. I'm already on cycle day 22. I'm sure if I ovulated it happened already.

Anyway, I've been wanting to vent about this for a while...Ugh....

Funky

Well, here we are December 7. I can hardly believe it. It does not feel like Christmastime. I've been baking cookies, buying gifts, listening to holiday music and decorating the house, and yet, I still am not in the mood.

Christmas is very weird this year. The weather been mild and mostly sunny. My brother is heading off to Alaska for 3 months on the 19th. So for my side of the family, our Christmas will happen next week. My mom is also heading out of town for a few days right before Christmas, so our extended family Christmas party will be happening early this year (next weekend). Then since my husbands parents are divorced we get to celebrate with both of them separately. They were already separated when I met my husband, so I'm used to them not being together, but even after all these years, I think my husband still finds it odd during the holidays. It makes me sad, because he says he never even saw them fight while he was growing up, so their separation and divorce was kind of a shocker.

Me on the other hand grew up with my parents fighting constantly, and many times they separated and threatened divorce. Now, not only are they still together, but they are stronger than ever. Strange how life works.

Anyway, back to my point. The reason I brought it up is because every year around the holidays there is always all this drama between the two of us on our schedule of who we visit when. It is no fun.

So, with all of that on top of this IF crap, I'm not feeling very Christmassy. This last week has been especially bad for me. I don't know if it is PMS, or what. On Thursday night I had a breakdown. I got home from work and I was instantly pissed off...for no particular reason. I was really snippy and finally at 9pm I decided to call it quits and go to bed. I was miserable and I was making A. miserable. I went to bed and just started sobbing.

I've always known that God is in control of my life, and when I need direction or help or whatever that I need to send it up and ask for guidance. I also know that I need to be thankful for things I have and even trials that I go through. The trials part is hard for me. So during my sobs I was praying to God that I was sorry I can't be thankful for all this IF stuff. I am trying and it's not working. So I asked for patients, and I asked that He be patient with me while I try to get my mind straight.

I have no spiritual support from my family or husband. For about three years I was really consistently going to church and I even attended a 1 year bible school. That was a good time in my life. I feel like now that things are seemingly falling about for me, I need to go back to church. I can't support myself alone. I need to surround myself with good Christian people. That is not to say that my family are not Christians or not good people. I just need to go to a place where I can talk freely and openly about God and have people understand or relate. I can't do that at home.

On top of all my frustration with IF, I am really really not happy with my job. I keep going through these phases. I have topped out at my office, there is not where for me to go. I can't see myself in the same position forever. I feel like all I do is get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, get up, go to work...and around and around I go. I have no hobbies, or activities that I do. My husband is gone all week long at work. I don't see him for any amount of time generally until the weekend.

I also feel like a failure. I am having a really really hard time getting started on my exercise routine. I have no excuse. I have a ton of work out equipment set up in the garage. I have exercise videos. I have three dogs that would love to go on walks, AND we have a park four houses away. Then I get pissed because if I would lose some weight I could probably improve my fertility. Ugh.

So, that is why I sobbed. It was a pity party. I ended up getting out of bed and asking my hubby to come and lay down so I could cuddle with him. We talked and he has the same frustrations with work and IF, but he is just not as emotional about it.

There are a few other things that I could rant about, but I'll save that for another time. Dinner is almost ready.

I hope you all have a great week. Two more work weeks until my two week vacation!!! Yahoo!

It's everywhere! It's everywhere!

I just can't escape it. It's everywhere.

Today, I was in Seattle for a seminar my office was putting on. I normally check everyone in and then chill out for the remaining time. Today, I headed to the lobby. They had huge overstuffed chairs, fireplace, etc. I curled up with a book.

WELL...I was sitting there minding my own business, when I heard it. There were two people sitting in the corner. It sounded like a job interview. For some reason I was really distracted by them talking (even though there were people all around rolling their suitcases and music playing). I kept trying to listen. Turns out it was a pharmaceutical company interviewing sales reps (or that's what I got from the convo). And not just any drug...but fertility drugs! I was tempted to go up to them and see if I could get a discount - lol

I heard them say how business has slowed down with the economy, since fertility treatment is an elective treatment. My though was it isn't elective to me...I feel like I have to do it. I want to do it.

Anyway, I just thought it was very interesting of all the conversations I could have overheard it was about fertility drugs.

I know I'm a little early, but HAPPY FRIDAY everyone!

Lies all lies!!!...maybe...

I realized recently that I really despise when people try to be positive when talking about this fertility stuff and say "Don't worry, it'll happen someday" - BS! Now, don't get me wrong. I welcome ALL positive thinking...but don't make promises you have no control over.

Today I had my pap...and my gyno was commenting on how good it was I had my period a few weeks ago. She assumed I had taken Provera...then I told her it was from Clomid. She asked who was prescribing it...HELLOOOOOO! You recommended the sh*tty doctor. I told her it was Dr. Marshall. She said "Oh, ya Lori". I almost corrected her and said her name is Lorna, but it wasn't worth it.

Anywho, at the end of the appointment she wished me happy holidays and said that exact thing "Don't worry, it'll happen - and you'll have to let us know when it does". Whatever! IF (and yes, I mean IF) it happens, they'd be the last to know.

I didn't tell her I'm not going back to her "recommended" doctor. I'm moving on - I feel like busting out into the Rascal Flatts song - lol

I've decided that is just plain isn't nice to tell me it will happen when you have absolutely no idea if it will or not. And I'd rather be on the pessimistic side, that way I won't be so disappointed when we decide to call it quits or when the doc says to give up. I've got to hope for the best, BUT prepare for the worst. There have been several people who have said that to me...ugh...

That's all, I just had to vent a tad.

Holy Cannoli!

Wow, I had quite the holiday weekend! All I can say is busy, busy, busy! I had my grandma and a cousin fly in from Wisconsin for the week (they actually fly home tonight **sad**)

Wednesday: I was "released" from work at about 4pm (yay, and hour early!). I went home and made pumpkin pies, cooked the turkey brine, went to the grocery store and picked up the house. Stayed up until after midnight.

Thursday: Went to my parents around 1pm (after doing about 4 loads of laundry). Had dinner with the family (there were 11 of us). We stayed until about 8pm. Came home stuck the turkey in the brine.Some how I stayed up until 1 or 2 am.

Friday: Completely decked the halls for Christmas, did last minute cleaning, prepared Thankgiving dinner for 4 of us. Mmm...it was so tasty! Mom-in-law and her BF came over. They hung out until aroun 8 or so. Again, I stayed up until after midnight.

Saturday: had nail appointment, went to Costco, came home cleaned - AGAIN - made tacos, had 6 of my aunts, cousins, and grandma over. We played Wii for about 6 hours straight...and it was a blast (we may or may not have been a little tipsy **wink**)! Again, went to sleep around 1:30...

Sunday: didn't get out of bed until 11:30!!! Was a complete slug until 2:30 when I forced myself to get into the shower because I was going to my aunt's house for the final dinner with all the family. I didn't stay very long since I was so pooped. I left around 5:45 and came home and put my pj's on and laid on the couch until....about 11pm! I went to bed but the hubby followed. We laid in bed and talked until about 12...yes, MIDNIGHT! My alarm went off this morning and I about started crying. I'm soooo tired today! Thankfully it's been a fairly busy day at work, so the time has gone by fast.

Now tonight, when I get off work (about 15 mins) I'm driving my mom's car back to her house and getting my car back! YIPEE!!! We traded on Tuesday because my mom drives a Jeep Rubicon and my poor little grandmother couldn't get in and out of it. I have a CR-V, so that was a little easier for her. They are flying out tonight and are taking my aunts car to the airport, so I FINALLY get mine back. I miss it SOOO much!

Things I learned this weekend I'm thankful for:
1. Family (I've always been thanful for them, but I discovered how much more thankful I should be)
2. not being pregnant (I got to drink caffiene, drink alcohol, and not have to take pills or drive to Seattle)
3. last and not at all least - my hubby. He was such a trooper with going to my parents' for Thanksgiving. He really really wanted to go to his mom's, but we compromised. PLUS, he dealt with all 7 of us crazy ladies on Saturday night with all of our A/V needs.

I hope you all had a good holiday weekend. I am counting down the days until my two week vacation. December 19 can't get here soon enough!

I'm thankful for you!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you for taking the time to read my blog and sending up some prayers. Thank you also for all of your encouraging comments, it means a lot.

My newest challenge is trying to be thankful in all things. Every situation there has to be something to be thankful for, right? So I'm working on thanking God for my ups and downs and seeking out how I should proceed with life. It's tough!

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, and here's to hoping we all get what we're hoping for this holiday season!

NKOTB rocked my socks off!

I can't believe it. I actually had a really good time at the concert last night! I must admit when I heard they were back together I was pretty skeptical. I have some friends who are hardcore fans, and I always found it amusing. But last night changed my mind. I went in thinking it was going to be okay, I'd hear their old stuff I liked back when I was like 10 years old...but I didn't think their new stuff would be that good. Well, it was.

I could even say that it was possibly the best concert I've been to! (Yes, Jen, can you believe it?!?!?). They are very good entertainers and they music was good, and the crowd was the loudest I've ever heard.

All in all it was well worth the price of the ticket. I want to see them again! - lol

Death by cramps

I just have to share really quick that I thought I was going to die Wednesday night from my cramps. All during the day I felt crappy and a little crampy, but not bad. The evening rolled around and it started to get worse, but totally manageable. Then about 9:30p they got super bad. I was reclining in our...well, recliner and one of the dogs needed to go out. I got up and doubled over. It was bad. I managed to let him out and get all three of them put to bed (in their crates) and then I went to bed. I was home alone as usual, and I texted my husband. He offered to go to Walmart and pick up a heating pad, but he was on his way home from work and I didn't want to make him turn around. He even called his mom (she's only about a mile away from our house) to borrow hers, but she was already in bed. Anywho, I popped some midol, laid in the fetal position for a good 45 minutes and finally fell asleep.

I think those were the worst cramps of my life. I don't know if it is the build up of clomid over the last 12 months or so, but man, it sucked. This overall has probably been the worst period that I can remember with cramps so intense and lasting so long (usually they are just day one and two - but today is day three and they are still around...ugh). Thankfully, yesterday I got that heating pad from my mom-n-law (hello C!) and it helped a lot last night (the dogs liked snuggling with me while it was on!).

It's funny though, when I was writhing in pain in bed, I was thinking how labor is probably 10 times worse, and I thought "hey, I can handle it!" - lol, we'll see!

Okay, that wasn't such a short story, but I wanted to share.

P.S. I'm off to see NKOTB tomorrow night! I'll try to post some pics on Sunday!

The sun will come out, tomorrow...

So, yesterday, for the most part, was a bad day...for the most part. I was crazed at work trying to get a last minute project done that was thrown at me before I left. I was leaving early to head north to stay the night at a hotel for a seminar (today). Plus on top of it I had discovered AF's arrival (and the failure of my 6th cycle of clomid).

On my drive up to here I got some very very good news. My husband told me he finally got an answer from L&I regarding his lost wages (from his accident). They are paying him the full amount, plus some! I am so excited. He will end up getting 20% more than what we anticipated - yipee!!!!!

We both have the last two weeks of the year off (yahoo!) so we are going to talk about skipping town for a few days to relax. He has the night off tomorrow, so we are going to go out to dinner (hmm...what to wear???). Then we will talk about where we are headed with the IF crap, and how far we are going to go with it before calling it quits. Now that the funds are coming (check is being cut today), we can continue with all this stuff. We also are going to talk about where to go on our lil' vacation.

Today is a better day, other than stress this morning at work (the speaker showed up a 1/2 hour late - damn lawyers!), I will head back to Olympia a little after noon, and then call it a day around 2:30 (I started at 6:30 this a.m.!)...ahhh...then go home!

I just have to say, I used to love traveling around the state for work and staying at hotels, but I really really like to sleep in my own bed. I sleep terrible at hotels! Plus I feel bad for my poor doggies. They have to stay in their crates until daddy gets home from work **snif, snif**


Well, I hope you all have a good day!! As always, I'll keep you posted!

$%&#@!!@*&%!

That is how I feel right now...

My freakin' period is heading in for a landing. I am so pissed, frustrated, angry, depressed, and mostly PISSED. I really thought this could be it. I thought I could actually get pregnant this time. Well I guess that is a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.

I am typing on the verge of tears...ugh...I hate hormones. I was just telling my husband last night as I was going to bed that I was 98% sure I was starting my period, because I've been SUPER moody for a few days. I apologized to him for being snippy. He said "don't worry about it. It could be your are moody from the pregnancy hormones." It was a nice thought, but I knew he was wrong.

As I was trying to fall asleep last night, I was thinking about how I would react if the doctor told me, sorry, you can't have kids. I think I would be absolutely devastated and wouldn't be able to recover. This is the one thing in my life that I have really really wanted and have not been able to have. Everything else has seemed to come so easy...I had no idea it would be this hard. Plus, I was really hoping to reveal to everyone at Christmastime about us expecting. Maybe next year.

On another note, I cancelled my consultation appt yesterday. The hubby couldn't get off work on short notice (even though I told him about it weeks ago - urg!). Plus we don't have the funds to keep going right now. So I guess this will be a good time to regroup and save up for whatever God has ahead of us.

Tag, I'm it

My friend Heather tagged me...so here we go!

4 Outdoor Activities I absolutely LUV:
-Gardening, sun bathing, walking the dogs, and playing sports.

4 Movies I can't seem to get enough of:
-The Break Up - it is such a depressing movie, but I watch it whenever it's on.
-Labyrinth - I've probably watched it 100 times since I was a kid
-Dumb and Dumber
- There will be blood

4 Guilty pleasures:
-Lindtt milk chocolate truffles. (mine too Heather!)

-staying in my pj's all day and watching tv

-Shopping.

-sleeping in.

4 Jobs I've always wanted to do:
-Teach kids.

-barista.

-Work as a camp counselor for a summer.

-work at a zoo

4 Places I've always wanted to travel to:
-Ireland

-Caribbean Islands, perferably on a cruise of some sort.(ditto)

-Italy.

-Anywhere in South America. I love it down there

4 Challenges I face weekly:
-Work. I feel like it is a completely worthless job in the grand scheme of things.

-Keeping a positive attitude about all this fertility stuff.

-Being alone every weeknight while the hubby is at work.

-my weight.

4 People I am going to "Tag":

-Just Jess

-Jen Davis

Halfway to the finish line!

Well, I'm halfway through my two week wait. So far, so good. I actually haven't thought about it much. I've been busy at work, which is usually when I do my thinking and googling. I have no expectations for this cycle. I refuse to get my hopes up. In fact, I think I am not going to test...well at least not right away.

I have my new fertility doctor consultation appointment next Friday, so I guess if AF doesn't arrive by Thursday I'll test. If it is negative, on with the appointment. If it happens to be positive, I'll be able to give enough notice to cancel - then of course I'd have to throw a party!!

I guess a week from tomorrow I'll know our fate.

The good, the bad, and the triglycerides

Well, well, well. I got my test results for my glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, and kidneys. The good news is my kidneys, glucose and HDL (good) cholesterol are normal or average. The bad news...my LDL is "not calculable with high triglycerides" - per the doc's note.

So here are my numbers:

Cholesterol - 267 - normal is less than 200
HDL (good) - 42 - normal is over 40
Blood sugar - 96 - normal is between 60 and 99

Now, brace yourself for the next number...

...435!!!!!! That is my triglyceride level!!! It should be less than 150!!!!! I think I feel my heart slowing already!!! Terrible, terrible number!

Okay, so what now? Well, yesterday I was complaining about how lazy I am and that I needed a kick in the arse...well, I think I got it today! Tomorrow is a new day. Goodbye bread, pasta, and sugar! I am dramatically cutting back on my diet. It is an emergency!

I have a few containers of yogurt left, after those are gone, I am going to plain yogurt and adding fresh fruit. Or heck, maybe I'll go back to eating oatmeal every morning. Lunch...what to do for lunch?...I will bring dinner leftovers when possible, or bring a salad. What choice do I have? No more fast food!

Dinner...fish and chicken. No more beef (not that I am a big beef eater anyway). And brown rice. Bleh...if anyone has a good recipe for brown rice, let me know...

And last but definitely not least...EXERCISE! Tomorrow my ass will be on the treadmill. No more excuses!

Wow, what a wake up call!

Oh, and since I am on a roll talking about my horrible diet, etc...I will finally reveal my weight **gulp** I am currently at 270. Yes, I know that is high, but I am also 6ft tall. Also, I have lost 10lbs since May. Well, there you have it folks. That is my dirty, not so little, secret.

I just have to keep telling myself "Tomorrow is a brand new day. Tomorrow is a brand new day."

I need a kick in the keester!

I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe it is the crappy weather, or that it is dark at 4:30...I have no motivation to exercise - like at all. I've worked out twice in the last 9 days. Like I said before, I have a gym in my garage, but here I sit night after night on the recliner. I wish in this case it was the thought that counts. I think about it a lot, but I just don't go out there. I even thought I'd do a Tae Bo video in my living room, but nope, here I sit watching the Food Network. Ugh...

Maybe when I get the test results from my cholesterol check I will get movin'. In the back of my mind I'm a little afraid that the doc is going to say my numbers are so bad that I have to go on meds for a year or something...which means no babies...

I'm going to leave you on a hopefully positive note...I get to test in a week!

Undecided

So, I haven't decided if it is a good thing or a bad thing yet.

My consultation appointment with the new fertility doctor got postponed...2 1/2 weeks. Thankfully, I checked my phone and saw I had a voicemail about 10 minutes before my husband was supposed to wake up. I called him and told him he could sleep in. (Although he did take tonight off work to watch all the election stuff).

So, the pros and cons of this delay...

Pro - I could get pregnant on this cycle of clomid and the appointment is past my two week wait, so I'd know before forking over the big bucks for that appointment.

Con - If I'm not pregnant I'd most likely already be started with my AF visit, and I don't know the timing of what is to come next.

Overall, I am not bummed about it. Now my dilema is whether or not I still leave early from work...hmm...I think I will.

One day down, the rest of my life to go

Well, I made it!

I wouldn't call it a complete success, but hey, I'm not perfect. I ate pretty good. My only exception was at dinner. I had some steak I bought over the weekend for hubby and I, but we didn't end up eating it, so I had a steak and some shrimp for dinner. Now that it is gone, I'm chicken and fish from here on out (well, with occasional beef of course!).

I attempted to work out tonight too. I was just stepping on the treadmill when my phone rang. It was the hubby. He said he was stopping home for a minute, so it was "time". He was going to be about 20 mins, so I decided to get on the treadmill until he got home. He got home and we "cuddled" and he was back off to work. I didn't feel right about getting back on the treadmill, so I decided 15 mins was good enough for the first day.

I just got home from grocery shopping. I bought a bunch of 100 calorie packs. I have to be realistic. I am going to want cookies and chips, etc., but I just don't need to sit down with the whole bag. Instead I can sit down with a 100 cal. bag.

I also made little jell-o cups. I have a bunch of frozen strawberries left from a local farm. I also have a bunch of little plastic 1/2 cup containers. I put some strawberries in the container and added the sugar free jell-o on top. The strawberries floated, so they will be suspended as the jell-o firms up. I thought I was pretty smart - lol!

I also went to my regular doc appt today. I just basically wanted to meet the guy and do a general check up. We talked a little bit and decided we should do a lipid and glucose check. Since I have to fast for those tests, I'm going to stop by the lab sometime this week on my way into work. I am actually excited to have those tests done (I know my cholesterol is horrendous) , because I will have a starting point. I can go back in a few months and get it rechecked and see my progress. My blood pressure was a little high today, which is abnormal for me, but it could be because I was a little nervous.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a update on my day. Talk to ya'll tomorrow!!

I'm ready to hatch!

Yeah!! Finally, good news! My little egg was 17.8mm this morning. Woohoo! I got my hcg injection and now we gotta get busy for a couple of days.

I do have a comment though...I think this fertility place does not keep close enough tabs on what the nurses relay to the patients. My first few cycles (since we are doing "timed" instead of IUI) they gave me my shot and then said the next day and every other day for three days to "cuddle". Well, then, I had a nurse tell me on like cycle 4 that we should "cuddle" the day before my appointment, then I would get my shot and then we'd do it the next day and every other day for a few days.

Now today, cycle number six, the (very pregnant) nurse told me to do it TONIGHT and tomorrow and that's it. She said she's been doing this for 11 years and doing it more than three days after does no good.

I am totally going to listen to her, she obviously knows her stuff, since she is knocked up, but geez people, can we get some consistency???

Well, here's to hoping the pregnant lady knows what she's talking about! Ugh...now for the dreaded two week wait...I can't wait for the 17th already!

OH! And today is the day I planned to start my better lifestyle changes. So far so good. In the car on the way to Seattle I had a huge thing of water and a granola bar. When I got back to Oly, I had to stop for gas, so I ran into Safeway and got stuff for lunch and more breakfast, because I was starving. I got a yogurt, banana and string cheese for breakfast. I grabbed a veggie/humus wrap and string cheese for lunch.

I saw a bunch of carrot cake in the fridge at work from last week's birthday party, mmm, that sounded good, but I resited. Yay me :0)

I have my "regular" doctor visit today and then my consultation with the new fertility place tomorrow. I'll keep ya posted!

Good bye Fatty McFatterson!

Okay, so maybe that isn't the nicest thing to say about myself, but hey, I'm ready to shed some pounds!

Tomorrow I'm starting my "new lifestyle"...again **ahem**

I have about 100lbs I'd like to lose. That number is definitely intimidating...but I figure if I celebrate every 10lbs gone, then I could lose that much before I know it.

Last spring (2007) I weighed as much as I do now (which I'm not ready to share), and I started walking 3-4 miles every morning with my mom-in-law (hi C!!). I shed about 20lbs. I was eating pretty good too. Part of my ambition came from SUPER high cholesterol. I believe it was around 313 in June '07 and after my weight loss it dropped to 237ish in October '07. I think it is supposed to be around 150.

Anyway, the holidays came last year and I started packing on the pounds again. Now I am right back at what I was before I started. Ugh.

Although, I know I can lose pretty easy when I get going, it is really hard sticking with it. I learned a trick from a coworker/friend of mine. She lost a lot of weight in college and one of her secrets was chewing gum whenever she felt like munching. I have to admit that helped me a lot. I figured my mouth just wanted something to munch on. Instead of eating more calories I chewed gum.

I go to Costco and buy it by the box so I always have plenty of gum on hand. I keep one in my desk at work and one in my purse.

I really have no excuse to exercise. I have three dogs who love walks, and I pretty much have a gym in my garage. My husband has been faithfully using it for the last two months since we set it up. We have a weight bench, gazelle, treadmill, jump rope, free weights, punching bag...I mean what else could I ask for. Maybe better metabolism - lol

Anywho, my plan for breakfast will stay the same (yogurt and a piece of fruit). Lunch will take some effort since I usually buy fast food. Dinner will need a little work. When I cook for myself it is usually decent food, but most of the time I don't feel like putting out the effort to cook a meal just for myself (hubby works nights), so I end up eating a bowl of cereal or graze on a bunch of crap trying to figure out what to make for dinner and then eventually give up because I am full from snacking.

Another goal is to have smaller portion sizes. Our dinner plates are REALLY big. I think if I start eating off our salad plates, that will help a lot.

I figure if I lose two pounds a week, by the first of the year I could be down 16lbs. Sounds good to me! Since I'm starting on Monday, I'm going to weigh in every Monday.

Anywho, thanks for listening to me ramble. I really wrote this so I have a little accountability. Wish me luck...or actually wish me willpower! :0)

Seattle here I come....ONE MORE TIME!

After discussing with the husband we decided if I didn't go back on Monday this whole cycle and close to $500 will be wasted. So, yesterday I called and made ANOTHER 7am appointment. I was thinking this morning, with the time change tonight, really my appointment will feel like 6am and I will be leaving at 4:30....ugh!

Once again, I'll give you an update on how the appointment goes. I'm crossing my fingers, my legs my arms and anything else I can cross so that hopefully this will be it ** heavy sigh**

"On the road again..."

I'm movin' on

Well, it could still happen this month. Maybe...

So, I headed north again this morning in the dark, the rain and the muck. I wasn't late this morning even though the traffic a was a little worse. I was called back about 5 mins early too! But that was the end of my happy day. I don't know where that black cat came from, but it must have crossed me in the hallway when I was walking back to the u/s room. I didn't even see it.

Anywho, the tech measured my lining. I think it was 6mm and it should be 8mm or something like that. Then after searching and searching she found a follicle to measure on the right side...a whoppin' 9mm or something...then it was the left side...searching...searching...oh there's one...hmm...it's about 12mm. Nice. It grew two whole millimeters in 3 days (average is 2mm/day). I got dressed and the nurse came in. She wants me to come back on Sunday. What the &^$%#? Even I know that at a good rate I won't be at 18mm by then. Dumb a**. I said, no, that's not going to work. And she said "ya, I guess I err on the side of caution. I'd hate for you to miss it" I felt like saying "ya, well your caution" costs me big time!!" but I didn't. She said how about Monday. I said fine.

I went to the front desk to hand over my cash and I told the receptionist I would have to call to make my appointment. That was a lie. I am not making another appointment. I am so done with that money grubbin' place. I figure, hey, I could still ovulate sometime this cycle. I did last month with no clomid. If hubby and I keep "busy" for a couple of weeks, it could happen???

Besides, I have my new doctor consulation on Tuesday. He is about 10 mins away from my office. Now that sounds better. Plus, a coworker was knocked up by him about 13 years ago via IVF.

So, yes, I am bummed that this cycle didn't work out how I planned, but hell, what has in this process??? I would have never thought I'd would still be dealing with this a year after seeing a "specialist".

Well, Happy Halloween everyone! I will be home hiding in the back of my house with the lights low tonight. Or who knows, maybe I'll venture out and hang out with my parents. I can't hang with friends tonight since they all have kids and are busy doing there own thing. Sad.

Don't worry about me though. Suprisingly, I did not shed a tear on my drive back this morning. I hardly even choked up. It is time to move on to bigger and better things.

I hope you all have a great day tomorrow! I'll post an update after my appt. Here's to hoping no black cats cross my path tomorrow!




Happy Haunting!!

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Well, as you can tell by the subject line, my appointment did not go well. First off, I left my house at 5:30 in the dense fog and with dense drivers. Of course there was bad traffic and I ended up being about 10 minutes late to my appointment. My appointment was at 7am...and I understand that I was late, but I was the only one in the waiting room...I did not get brought back until 7:45!!! I was a little irked. Especially since 7am is their first appointment time, so how can they be that behind already?!?!?!

Then, I had my ultrasound. Big Fat Nothin'. I actually have one follicle that is about half of what it should be. They are hoping is grows and I'm scheduled to go back Friday at the same time and another $150 (whah!!). I'm crossing my fingers that this last clomid round isn't a bust.

Remember a couple of days ago I said that I needed some good news coming my way? Well, it hasn't happened, I've just been hearing more bad news.

So my appointment this morning definitely got me bummed. I had a good cry on the drive back to work. But, I found out when I got to work that there was a fatality accident on I-5 right in Olympia last night and the person who died was in a coworkers' wedding about a month ago. I was at that wedding. I don't know who specifically is was, but it is very very sad none the less. So, I got another little cry out of that one.

I had to pull myself together though because I have a department meeting that ended up lasting 1 1/2 hours!! Whew. Here it is 12:20 and I am just finally ready to do some work - after blogging of course.

After I got out of my meeting my hubby had texted me about his LNI claim. Bad news again. I don't think I've talked about it yet, but almost 4 years ago he got hit by a drunk driver while working. He has finally recovered (after back surgery last summer) but he's been dealing with LNI to get lost wages. Anywho, long story short...they only want to pay him for a small portion of the time they originally said they were going to. So I'm a little peeved about that.

Well, here's to hoping the second half of my day goes better than the first!!

I finally did it.

With the expectation that this 6th cycle of clomid is not going to work. I FINALLY called a local fertility doctor. For the last year I've been driving 60 miles north to Seattle for my 15-minute ultrasound appointments. Well, now that I am at my 6th and final clomid cycle I figure it is time to kick it into high gear. From what I understand my next logical step is to go to injectable drugs. When I do this I'm going to have to be monitored more more closely...like weekly, I think. Anyway, making that 60 mile drive...with nasty traffic is just not going to work. A coworker recommended this local clinic about the same time I started driving north. I figured I was already established and my gyno recommended the Seattle place, so why not. Well, a year later, I'm ready to move on.

My appointment is next Tuesday. I'm actually getting excited about it. I'm hoping thinking about this new office will be enough of a distraction to allow me to not stress about my upcoming two week wait.

Well, tomorrow is the big u/s. I'm forcing myself to be in bed by 9pm, so I can get up at...4:45am!!!!!!! Ugh.

Spinning my wheels...

Do you ever feel like you are just spinning your wheels? I feel like that lately. I feel like I am putting so many things on hold until we have a baby. My husband and I don't want to spend money or vacation time on vacation, since if we are blessed with a baby we'll need all the money and paid time off we can get.

A while ago I posted about possibly going back to school to be a teacher. I had made an appointment with a counselor at our local community college, but I canceled it. It just didn't seem like a good time to do school. I didn't want added stress, we definitely didn't need the added expense and I didn't want to start something and then have to take a break from it if we had a baby. Who knows when/if I'd ever go back.

I feel like I'm just going to work and coming home and putzing around the house...but not really planning on anything. I think as soon as we find out we're pregnant I can start planning things. I will know when the baby is supposed to arrive, plan the nursery, etc.

We are still wondering what our next steps will be if this last cycle of clomid doesn't work. I've decided this is it with the clomid. Even if the docs say I could continue with it, I want to move on. I want to get more aggressive about TTC. Yes, I know I'm only 26, but I am so tired of being in this limbo phase...it's been three years.

I have my u/s appointment on Tuesday. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Bad news bear...

I don't know what was up with this week...maybe it was God challenging me, but I had nothing but bad news told to me.

This week I found out about my friends baby which is still not doing well, then a coworker's husband is near death from bone cancer, another coworker's sister found out she has aggressive cancer. And, I have a cousin I hadn't seen in about 12 years (because of a nasty divorce and no visitation), whom our family got to see her again about two weeks ago (she's now 19). Well, I found out that she had stolen $600, a x.box, and an air compressor from her dad that she hasn't seen in all those years as well. Just depressing, all of it.

On top of it today on my way to work there was an accident between a motorcycle and a 15 passenger van in my neighborhood. The motorcycle driver was laying flat in the road and the bike was laying next to him. The fire truck what just arriving. Then I saw most of a pretty mangled deer on the side of the freeway...about a mile down the road there were his guts and a couple of legs. It was disgusting! I was hoping those two things weren't a sign of how the rest of my day was going to be. They weren't, but still...

Anyway, all of this is to say, I think I've handled it all really well considering my clomid. Seriously, I can't stress enough how much of a looney I am normally at this time. This month I have been calmer. It is about time! :0) Yes, I have teared up NUMEROUS times, but I've controlled myself. Even my anger and impatience has not been as bad. Whew!

Thank goodness it's Friday!! Have a great weekend y'all!

It never fails!

There are two things, that without fail, will make me cry. Bagpipes and Amazing Grace. Today Oprah had both on her show. She had the the group I.L Di.vo on her show - she opened with it. As soon as I heard the opening line "Aaamaaaziing Grrrace..." I said "oh great" because I new what was coming. I got all choked up and THEN the bagpipes started...I was done...I was trying to eat toast and I could hardly finish...uh, I love that song, so beautiful and those men are so talented!!

I'm probably jinxing myself...

So...I'm sitting here at work (I know, I know) and I'm thinking about how today is my last day of clomid...possibly for good...

I have mixed feelings about that. First, I am so $#%@! excited because this could be it for me, and my hot flashes, and psycho mood swings, and my ginormous appetite. Then, I'm a little nervous. Because, if this is it for me, then what is next? Injectables? IVF? Adoption? I'm curious how this all will unfold.

I have to say, I'm pretty darn proud of myself the last week or so. Usually on clomid (and here comes the jinxing part) I am rather crazed and about to burst into tears at any second - AND there are the horrible hot flashes...well, I'm proud of myself because I haven't been uber emotional. I mean I've had a couple of moments of choking up...but nothing like the psycho I usually am. My hot flashes are still around - trust me - but they don't seem as bad this time around.

Oh and a quick note about the hot flashes...I know I am no doctor and I basically know little on how my body works, but I thought that when I was getting hot flashes that my body temp was rising. Well the last two nights I've kept a thermometer next to by bed and when I was hit with a flash I would take my temp...it was actually lower than normal...go figure. Normally my body temp is low anyway (96-97), but last night I temped twice and it was 96.4 then 95.8. Hmm...

I do take my last two pills tonight. Usually a day or two after I take them things start happening...meaning I can feel my poor little ovaries working overtime. And, they start to feel like hard painful golfballs. I am hoping since everything else seems to be less intense this month that maybe my golfballs won't be so bad...at the same time, I don't want to wish that upon myself and then not have a successfull month.

I guess I always assumed that a person who takes clomid always ovulates. After reading some blogs (most recently Jess' "hi!") I am realizing that I am actually pretty fortunate that every month I've taken clomid I've ovulated at least one egg (in August I had two).

Like I said before, I go in next Tuesday (28th) to get my day 12 ultrasound. Basically, they just check me to see how things are progressing. If I have an egg that is at least 18mm, I'll get my HCG injection (forces me to ovulate). If I'm not ready yet, then depending on the size I'll have to go back in a few days. I've been fortunate the last few months because I've been ready on day 12 and haven't had to make the trip back to Seattle (about an hour drive with no traffic) for a 15 min., $150 appointment.

I'm switching gears a little - remember back at the beginning of my blogging I mentioned a friend who is pregnant, but things weren't going so well for the baby? Well, I got an update yesterday. I believe she is around 7 months (she's due the end of Dec.). Apparently the baby's bones are all too small compared to what they should be. One of the legs is missing the fibula. The ribs are not fully formed and not wrapping around like they should be. This problem alone could possibly not allow the baby to survive. The saddest part about her email was the fact that the doctors told her that she should not prepare a nursery. When I read that my heart sank. I mean how horrible to be told not even to bother with a nursery because your baby will not make it home. They aren't even sure it will make it to term. (the docs had asked her before about terminating the pregnancy - she declined) I am just so incredibly sad for her. I don't know what to say. She sent a mass email to everyone to give the update...I haven't replied...because I don't know what to even say...

On that note...I'm going to get back to work. I hope you all have a great day...I'm going to try to enjoy this gray sloppy weather here in western washington...ugh... :0)

quick quote

I was watching Oprah today. She had a woman on who suffered from a major stoke 12 years ago - who also happens to be a brain doctor. This woman completely recovered and wrote a book about her experience. Here is a quote Oprah read from the end of this woman's book called Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor:

"Your body is the life force and power, of some 50 trillion molecular geniuses. You and you alone choose moment by moment who and how you want to be in the world. I encourage you, pay attention to what is going on in your brain. Own your power and show up for your life. Beam bright."

These things keep jumping out at me. I got all choked up as Oprah was reading. I probably rewound that part three times to listen to her read it. What really stood out to me is "you alone choose moment by moment who and how you want to be in the world". I have to choose to be positive. I have to choose not to let my negative thoughts come in. Whew, I'm really getting this lesson pounded in, aren't I?

Plodding along...

Well, there isn't really anything new to report. Yesterday I started my Clomid. I've been really making a good effort to keep myself positive these days. Just like my previous post about my new theme song, I am trying to even listen to positive music.

I continue to remind myself to be thankful about my freedom and being able to come and go and say and do whatever I want. I have three dogs, so I guess they are enough to keep me busy for now.

Next Tuesday is my day 12 ultrasound. I'll keep you posted as to how that goes...

My new theme song!

I will put this song on my site as soon as I figure out how... Here are the lyrics though. I blast this on my iPod when I'm in the car. I just need to remember...one step at a time...

"One Step At A Time" - Jordin Sparks

Hurry up and wait

So close, but so far away

Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough for you to taste

But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]We live and we learn to take

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's

Supposed to happen and we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

You believe and you doubt

You're confused, you got it all figured out

Everything that you always wished for

Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours

If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer

But there's no end in sightwhen you need to find the strength

It's your faith that makes you stronger

The only way you get there

Is one step at a time

Signs

I believe God speaks to me. Not some booming voice I hear, but through other people or experiences, etc. Yesterday, I was reading a book and there was a certain quote that stuck out to me. I'm probably butchering it, but basically it's "you cannot see your reflection in running water, only still water". This struck me, because I feel like I am constantly moving. I am never content or really satisfied at any particular point in my life. I am always looking toward the next thing. For example: Not too long after my hubby and I started dating we started to talk about moving out together. About 11 months later, we did. After moving in together we started talking about getting married. Probably six or so months later we had my ring. The month after we got married I quit my birth control pills...and so the pattern continues...

I am not saying it is a bad thing to not be satisfied occasionally, but to always be looking for the next thing I think is not good. Yesterday I realized that about myself. It has been on my brain ever since.

Earlier this week a coworker told me about her "vision boards" or goal/dream board. After hearing about her board and how half of the things on that board have already happened to her, it got me thinking. So I went and bought some poster board and glue. All week I've been thumbing through magazines and mainly just cutting out words and sayings. Mine, at least this first one, will be more of an encouraging board or one to make me focus. Today I was so surprised at the number or sentences/headlines/quotes that stood out to me - they all related to being still and focusing, etc.

THEN, this evening I was at the mall and I was walking past a jewelry store. The store had a banner above the doors that said "savor the moment". Of course they were talking about diamonds or something, but it put a smile on my face and I kind of chuckled out loud. I mean God is really driving this into my head. He is telling me I need to enjoy right now. Enjoy being alone with my husband. Enjoy the freedom. Enjoy the the fact that we don't have to pay for diapers, daycare, bottles, etc.

As I childless person, I am free to come and go as I please. To sleep in as long as I want. To say whatever I want and watch and listen to whatever I want.

No, I am not at all changing my mind about having kids, but I am finally realizing how obsessed I've been and I've been missing out on other things. I'm only 26...I have time.

I am assuming after this next cycle I will probably be told I need to move on to something else, since the last 6 cycles of clomid haven't worked. My husband and I have started to talk about IVF. I have decided that if we get to that point I am going to take some time off from this fertility stuff and get my self in good shape. I have to admit, I am overweight and technically obese. I've heard both that weight does and does not effect fertility. I also have high cholesterol. Since I have PCOS my hormones and metabolism is wacky too. I figure if I take 3, 4, 5 or so months off and get into better shape, lower my cholesterol my metabolism and hormones will improve as well. This definitely couldn't hurt my fertility.

Well, today is day 30 of my cycle - still not sign of my period. If I don't have it by day 35, I'll take a pregnancy test. If it is negative, then I'll have to pop some pills to start my next cycle...

what to do????

Here is a mini outline of what I have on my brain:

1. Clomid cycle 6
2. IVF
3. $$$
4. my career

Okay, let's start with numero uno. I am still about a week away from when I am supposed to get my period. I HOPE that is comes. Even if I have to wait longer than 28 days....I just hope it comes. If/when it does come then I start popping my pills for the SIXTH time. I have a feeling in my gut that this is my last chance on clomid. I have a feeling that when this cycle fails...yes, I said when - I'm a little pessimistic these days..I have a feeling that the doc is going to say we need to move on to something else.

This leads me to number two. IVF. You may remember just a few short blogs ago I said I was against - totally against - IVF. Not at all because I was judgmental or that I didn't believe in it, it just didn't seem right for me. I didn't want a "test tube" baby. I hate needles and the thought of injecting myself everyday was obviously a HUGE turn off!

Well, I've "sort of" changed my mind. My husband and I have actually starting talking about IVF and actually are considering it. I figured, yes, I hate needles, but am I not going to try for a baby because of a silly fear? Also, the whole "test tube" baby thing...I'm telling myself "what is the big deal?" It's not like the baby is going to have a stamp on it's forehead and it's not like it will be an alien baby. I am being humbled by this experience. And I'm learning that it is okay to receive help (i.e. clomid and/or IVF, etc.) and that it doesn't matter in the big picture how the child got here as long as it was healthy.

Next...number three...the moolah...Yes. IVF is expensive. Another thought though is how can you put a price on a child? Besides, last January we forked over $6,000 for our dog's back surgery. Yep, that's right folks - $6 g's!! If we are willing to spend that much on our dog, what about for our family??? So, if cycle six doesn't work and we do decide to move on. We will have a plan. I will take a few months to get as healthy as I can. We will save, save, save. And we will take it one day at a time.

Lastly - and I'm breaking away from my fertility stuff for a moment - my career (or lack there of). For YEARS I've thought about becoming a teacher. At the beginning, I didn't have the money to pay for it. Then I would be wishy washy with my commitment. During this time I have been working an 8-5 office job. While I really really like the office and the people I work with, it is just not fulfilling. While I by no means want to change the world, I at least want to make a difference. I feel like if I fell off the face of the earth no one would even notice, in the grand scheme of things (and I mean professionally). I'd love to teach somewhere between 1st and 3rd grade.

My dilemma is how to go about it. Do I start now and take a break if we have children? Do I wait until we have children and I am settled enough to start? If I do start now and I do the evening courses for the two year degree, what do I do for the other two? Do I just work part-time? Can I finish online? What about student teaching? SO MANY QUESTIONS! And do I even worry about this now while we are dealing with this fertility crap. Ugh...any insight you readers may have would be helpful!!

Okay, I think that is enough. Ciao for now!!

I'm baaaaack!

Well, last week went just as I expected. I totally worked my butt off (63 hours!!) and it was at times stressful. It confirmed for me the decision to skip this month...but as I'm approaching the next cycle I have some decisions to make.

For the first time I am actually considering IVF. After 5 failed clomid cycles and 6 eggs, I am running out of chances. I am waiting to start cycle number 6. If this one doesn't work then I don't know what I am going to do. I think I said before that I don't want a "test tube" baby. My husband said last night though, it's not like it is going to live it's life with a stamp on it's head. But for some reason the thought of it being inseminated in a petri dish just doesn't sit well with me. My other reservation was the cost...but again, my husband reminded me that we spent more on our dogs back surgery than the cost of one IVF cycle. And surely a baby is more important!

I also wonder if for some reason I decide not to go the IVF route and we aren't able to get pregnant otherwise, will I be okay not having children? I don't know. I mean, I know I will survive, I know life will go on, but will I be able to get over the jealousy of seeing a pregnant woman or a woman pushing a stroller or the sight of parents playing with their children. I feel like I have to be able to give this up - give it up completely to God. I don't know why I feel I can control any of this - I have no control at all. If I did I wouldn't be still stuck in this situation.

I've always known that I would not be able to conceive on my own, but I had no idea that it would be so hard and take so long. I've past the three year mark...hopefully I'll be blessed by the end of year four.

Well, that's all for now. I'll write more when something actually happens and is worth writing about.

Jealousy bug

The jealousy bug bit me again last night. Dang, it had been a while, I thought I was doing so good. I found out that an old friend of mine who also had struggled with fertility issues is pregnant. Ugh, I suppose I should take it as good news because she did clomid and timed intercourse, which is exactly what I'm doing.

Just when I think I've given up my control struggle and let God take over, I find myself pulling the control back (even though I know I have never really had control!) It is a daily challenge!

Okay, just had to share. I'm done now!

As I predicted...

In my last post I talked about one of the reasons for taking this cycle off was because I would be stressed in the next couple of weeks. Well, it has begun. Today marked the start of a long and stressfull couple of weeks. I actually am a little relieved by the stress today, just because it affirms that I made the right decision. At the same time, I wish I wouldn't worry so much about stuff at work. I think sometimes I care too much. It's just a job, right?

This whole week I'll be in rush to get things together for our biggest event of the year (and probably the biggest ever for our organization) at work. Next week I'll be heading to the event for four long long long days.

Anywho, I just wanted to give an update. There is not a whole lot going on in the fertility area. Probably won't be until next month. I'll post if anything significant happens. Stay tuned...

Skipping September...

Well, as I was laying in bed last night, trying to get my mind to shut off, I realized that the timing of this cycle is, well, bad timing.

I will be out of town for four days and that lands right at the end of "action" time. We could make it work...but I don't want to force it. Also, I will be pretty stressed with work in the next couple of weeks, and I know that stress has an effect on fertility, so unfortunately, I think the right decision is to wait for October.

I am generally okay with waiting, but my only concern is that I won't ovulate at all, therefore I wouldn't get my period again at the end of my cycle. It's not actually THAT big of a deal, it just means I have to take MORE drugs to induce my period...but geesh, I hate popping pills. I don't even like to take anything for a headache!

On a side note...a coworker's family stopped by the office today. It was her sister and her husband. They had two little cutie pie kids. I heard them making their rounds of introductions from across the office and to be honest...I was hoping they wouldn't come my way. You wanna know why? Well, because I heard the little kids. And lately in my hormonal state just the site of a pregnant belly, infants or toddlers will get me all choked up. So I did my best to avoid them, but I ended up running into them anyway on my way out the door. It was a brief "nice to meet you" and then I was off...**whew, I survived with dry eyes!**

Anyway...today is cycle day 1...so I am hoping four weeks from now I start again...

depression does hurt

***warning: what you are about to read is nothing but my own pity party***

I have one of these at least once a month. It is typically within a few days of getting my period. Call it hormonal, or whatever, but it is raw and it hurts and it makes me angry and sad and frustrated and hopeless all at the same time.

I have friends and family who love me and are supportive of me...but I feel so alone during this time. I have no one to talk to.

You know those lame commercials about depression and how it hurts all sorts of things. Well it is the truth. It hurts relationships, feelings, it literally makes my heart hurt.

I hate feeling this way. I sob all of a sudden just because I saw a damn commercial or a show with a baby in it. I am watching a movie and a little bit ago they showed a woman getting an ultrasound and she got to see the heartbeat for the first time. I lost it and I haven't gotten a grip since.

Okay, I'm sorry for the rant...

Big Fat NEGATIVE

Well...there's really not much to say. I took a test Sunday around 6pm. It was negative. Then around 9pm, Aunt Flo came to visit. Nice, huh?

This was one of the biggest let downs simply because we had double the chance (40% this time). I guess I need to remember, I still had a 60% chance of it not working...I wish the odds were flipped.

So, here I am waiting for AF to settle in and unpack her bags so I can start popping pills again...and around and around we go!

I just have to remember that the last couple of cycles have been better than the first three, so maybe this one will be good to. I hope I am ready on day 12 (when I go up to Seattle), so I only have to make one trip...and only spend $180, instead of $300+.

Oh, and one more thought. Up until last night I was compeletly against even considering IVF (in-vitro fertilization). I am still hung up on a) the price - at the cheapest about $4,500!! and b) do I really want a "science project" baby? Now, I know people choose to go this route all the time...and I TOTALLY don't judge them, I just don't know if it is for me. Like I said, the cost is a huge factor, but if I would have just done IVF from the start, we would have at least paid for one cycle already. Also, I REALLY hate needles, like really...and IVF involves a lot of needles. THere are all sorts of medications you have to shoot yourself up with. I told A that if we did go that route, then I would be making him inject me, I don't think I could do it myself. Basically, you have to do a lot of injectables and I think some pills to make a bunch (like 20 or so) follicles. Then they harvest the follicles and take A's sperm and force them into the follicles (eggs). Then after a period of time they take the best one or two eggs and put them in my uterus (via catheter), then we cross our fingers that one of them implants. The stats for this is about 51% chance that it will work...but that is also a 49% chance it won't...basically your odds at Black Jack. So we are waiting now to see what the doc says after my refills are gone (after this cycle) and we'll go from there...

**Heavy sigh** Here we go with cycle six! Stay tuned...

To test, or not to test

Well, here I am about 36 hours away from the big test day and I am starting to get cold feet. Maybe I won't test. I mean, my period will come in a couple of days anyway if I'm not preggers. I just REALLY don't want to see another negative. I've even changed brands in the past, because I thought maybe that first brand just wasn't compatible with with me...dumb, I know...but I get desperate.

On the other hand, if I took a test and it was negative then I would know a couple of days early and I could expect my period in a couple of days, instead of being disappointed when Aunt Flo showed her ugly head.

So, I have to make a decision. I've been looking forward to testing for two weeks, but now that the time is here...I'm scared of a negative...**please, oh, please God, let it be positive!**

Dreaming, part 2

Okay, I've officially made up my mind about dreams. They don't mean a gall-dern thing! Last night I had a dream about Madonna - yes, Madonna. Why you ask? Well, the only thing I can think of is that I have a song of hers on my iPod that I like most of, but I always get to a certain point in that song when I have to change it. I heard that song on my way home yesterday, so maybe that is why I dreamed about her.

The two of us were sitting in a diner? skateland? a bowling alley??? Something like that. Anyway we were just chatting and I was telling her how I grew up with her and how I was born in '82 and she was so thankful that I was a fan. Well she was getting a lot of attention. People were coming up to her and asking for pictures, autographs, etc. She said she needed to find a date to sit with her so the people would leave her alone. Well she spotted a guy standing up against the wall not paying any attention to her. She went up to him and was talking to him then was grabbing his arm trying to get him to come and sit down with her. He wouldn't budge so she was going to walk away. As soon as she started to leave he grabbed her by the waist and they were fighting and struggling...and that is were the dream ended...strange, eh?

So, that is why I conclude with dreams mean nothing...I guess that is a good and bad thing :0)

Dreaming

So, I wonder if dreams have anything to do with reality. I occasionally have dreams about what is really going on in my life, but most of the time they are totally random.

I started last week having dreams about having a baby. Not the labor, but actually having my own baby. My first dream was about me feeding my little (girl) newborn. I keep telling myself to remember to change her diaper after she’s done eating and before she takes a nap. Well I forgot to change it before she napped, so when she got up, I told myself again that I needed to change her diaper. Well I went to get her changed and realized I had no wipes or diapers or anything. That was the end of my dream.

I talked to my husband about it and I said maybe it means I am not prepared to have a baby? It that what that dream was trying to tell me?
I had another dream last night about babies, but of course the harder I try to remember it the more it fades away…

I don’t know if I am having these dreams because I am SUPER hoping that this cycle is the one or if my body is secretly trying to tell me something. I still have about 4 more days to wait before I’ll allow myself to take a test, so that is on the brain -CONSTANTLY!

Also, since the brother-in-law moved out this last weekend I’ve been cleaning and am painting his room tonight. Maybe since I keep picturing it as a nursery that is why I’m dreaming about babies. I’m sure there are a million reasons for my dreams…I just hope they mean something!
Speaking of “the nursery”, I really needed to paint that empty bedroom since that was the only room in the house we didn’t paint when me moved in, and since the walls are trashed from a zillion nail and screw holes…**urg!**…Anyway, I needed to paint it but was hesitating because if we do end up pregnant anytime soon, I didn’t want to have to repaint when we found out the sex. Well to solve that problem I am painting it green. A nice light sage-ish green. I think it is pretty. The color is called “willow” something. I figured it was a nice neutral color that would be easy to add pinks or browns or blues to - he he he :0)

I also have to admit, that I've been visualizing how to decorate my green nursery if I have twins and there is one of each sex. I was picturing how I could divide the room to decorate one for the girl and one for the boy...I guess I am really putting the cart before the horse on this one...baby steps...(no pun intended!)

I can’t help but get my hopes up about this time - I have double the chance!!!

Moving Day

Well, today is the big moving day for my bro-in-law. All three of us have lived together for almost 4 years! At the beginning we were helping each other out by splitting expenses, then when my hubby and I bought our house, he moved with us to help with the mortgage while my hubby recovered from a car accident (hit by drunk driver). So now, our life is finally back to “normal”. It has been a blessing for “the bro” to live with us, but it is definitely time for us to be alone. Today is the big day. In about an hour the Uhaul will be here and we will be hauling everything away.

I believe this will be a big stress reliever. For one, it is hard to be spontaneous **wink, wink** (sorry mom! :0)), for two, we will gain a bedroom, and three our house will be messy because we made it messy, not because someone else did too. Oh, to say I am excited is SUCH an understatement.

In the back of my mind I’m a little nervous to help with the move because I’m obviously hoping this cycle worked, and if it did I wonder if lifting heavy stuff it such a good idea. I think I’ll leave the super heavy lifting to the males and I’ll just deal with boxes and smaller items.

I am thankful that I have him moving as a distraction. It is torture to have nothing to do but think about testing in a whole week. So with me starting pack him up in the last couple of days and getting ready to do projects around the house, I am really distracted, and should be for at least a few days. Only six more days…**gulp** …and yay for less stress!

Acupuncture

I forgot to add in my “history” blog that I have started acupuncture. I started about 6 weeks ago. I have to say I think it is doing something for me. I used to suffer from many, many a sinus headache, and now, I can’t even remember the last time I had one.

I used to always get heartburn too…and since I’ve started it has drastically decreased.
Also, since I started that is when my cycles have gotten shorter and more “normal” - whatever that is. I believe the acupunture helps my body grow both the large follicles this month.

Dr. K (the acupuncurist/naturopathic doc) also recommended some diet changes and fish oil. I must admit that it has been hard for me to take it - not because it is nasty (although it is straight oil)-but because it is in the fridge. I don’t remember it is there. I know this will help so many things if I remember to take it. I wish I could have it at my desk at work. :0)

It's only just begun...

I realized today, that it hasn’t even been a week or close to a week since I ovulated. What a disappointment. I have so many more days to wait before I take a test.

For some reason today, I am feeling this incredible calm. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like if I am preggers then that is FANTASTIC, but if I’m not, it’s okay. I can’t believe I just said it would be okay. I mean “okay” not like it’s not big deal if I’m not, but I mean I’ll be okay…meaning I’ll survive if I’m not. I don’t know if I am feeling this way because I’m actually getting more sleep lately and so I am not as tired and stressed or what. I think it also could be that I have spent the last few days reading blogs about other PCOSers who have successfully gotten pregnant and delivered. I guess that gives me peace of mind that it is possible for me.
I was laying in bed last night and I was wondering what was going on in my guts. I had some mild ovarian cramping and then I just felt like things were going on down there. I am acutely aware of any aches, pains, shifts, etc that happens. I wonder if it a little embryo implanting or if it is my uterus preparing to slough off. Either way, I have to remind myself it is out of my control.

Wow, finally some progress with my attitude. Hopefully I don’t flop back to a crappy attitude tomorrow.

My current cycle

So, like I said in a previous post, I am currently on my 5th cycle of clomid. This round I have two follicles that were mature enough to ovulate. I went to the doctor on cd12 for an ultrasound to see my progress. To my amazement she said I was ready for my trigger shot. I had one follie on one side that was 17.9mm and the other side had one that was 21mm! I know that every month when I ovulate I have about a 20% chance of conceiving - the same as a “normal” woman. With two eggs, I have a 40% chance of one and a 20%chance of twins. I secretly hope for twins so I don’t ever have to deal with all the fertility treatment again. Today is only cd 16. I have no pregnancy tests at home - which is a good thing. I am a SUPER impatient person, and I know that if I had a test here I would take it. I told myself I would not buy a test until Sept. 7. That will be cd26.

I think my biggest struggle with TTC is the pure lack of control. I have absolutely no control over the little spermies finding my egg(s), or my egg implanting, etc. All I can do is be as healthy as I can be, and trust that God has a plan for my life. Of all these months of trying (3 years actually), I am finally getting to the point where I am giving up the control struggle. I would think myself into a tissy trying to will things to happen. I think my change of thinking is just because I am really realizing that I have no control, and I need to live in the moment instead of stressing about future appointments and “what if” due dates and work schedules and…and…and…Instead, I need to just focus on now.

Yesterday, I had a good day emotionally. I was reading a really great blog about another PCOS girl who finally had success with IVF. One of her entries she talked about how she was at the point in her cycle where what was going to happen already happened, whether that was that the egg implanted or not and no amount of stressing would do any good. I realized I am at the point too. We timed our intercourse really well, and we did everything in this cycle we could do. Now it is just a matter of time until we find out the result.

Too bad that good attitude was yesterday…today brought a different mood. I feel like if this cycle is the best chance we’ve had so far and it doesn’t work, I am doomed to never have children. I know this to TOTALLY the wrong attitude to have, but hey, I’m being honest. I feel like we’ve wasted all this money on treatment, and nothing has worked. I feel like I just can’t get pregnant, and that is the first step in a zillion steps to delivering a healthy baby. Not that I wish myself this at all, but sometimes I feel like if I were to get pregnant and miscarried at least I’d know it i possible to get pregnant. I’m scared that all this trying will just end in miscarriage and
I’m also afraid of all this trying will lead to have a child with health issues.

I have a wonderful friend who sadly last summer had a miscarriage. They tried for months to get pregnant again and it happened. But now she is facing new challenges. Her sweet little baby has some deformities. It possibly won’t even make it to term. She is just devestated. She doesn’t know whether she should plan the nursery or plan a funeral. Very very sad - and it makes me scared for myself.

Okay, that is enough blogging for now…I think this will be number 4 for today…and I’m going cross-eyed.

Feeling Chatty

So, my real purpose of this blog is to be able to a) have a journal to track my experience b) be able to have a outlet, since I feel like at times I have no one to talk to c) to hopefully help others who feel like you’re alone, not feel so lonely.

I have my up and down days. For the longest time I was pretty pessimistic about getting a positive test. It actually got so bad for a while that I thought I should go seek therapy. Don’t get me wrong. I have my lovely A to talk to all the time, but he’s a guy and COMPLETELY does not understand where I am coming from. It is nice to talk to him on one hand because he IS an ear to listen, but on the other hand, I think since he is a male, he feels like he has to fix everything, and he always has advice to offer, when sometimes I just want to vent.

I have also sought out my friends. I have several really good friends, all of whom have 2 kids or more. It is hard for me to talk to them about my struggles as well, because, well, they have kids..
My best friend, she lives all the way across the country. With the time difference it is hard to time when to talk to her. She recently found out she is expecting. I think she is at 7 weeks right now. I have to admit, I had a twinge of jealousy when she told me. She already has two beautiful girls. Her husband had been in Iraq for about a year and the joke was when he got home she was going to be knocked up. Viola! She is. I actually just confessed to her last night about my jealousy, I know she understands and that is nice.

I sometimes regret telling so many people that we have decided to do the fertility treatment. At first, I was really selective about who I was telling, mainly because I thought that I would get pregnant quickly and didn’t want a ton of ppl to know right away that I was preggers. But now that it has been about 9 months I have slowly but surely told almost everyone I know. All is good about them knowing, but that just leads to people asking all the time about it. When I am feeling optimistic I have no problem talking about it, but when I am down in the dumps, my emotions are on my sleeve, and so I have to beware of the tears.

A little history

To get this ball rolling, I’ll give you a little history about myself. When I was 18 I was put on birth control pills because I was only menstruating once or twice a year. I was on the pill (yasmin) for 5 years. I was married July ‘05 and went off the pill in August of the same year.
I always had a feeling in the back of my mind that I would have trouble getting pregnant. In fact, when I was in high school, I didn’t think I’d ever want children, because I knew I’d have trouble.
Anywho, during HS I was very athletic playing fastpitch and/or volleyball all year round. I played a little basketball and ran a little track as well. Well, shortly after high school I began packing on the pounds…like a lot of them. In fact, in the 8 years since I’ve been outta HS, I’ve packed on 80 - that’s right 80 lbs!! Now, thankfully I am tall (6ft), so the weight doesn’t look AS bad…but still… Anyway, with my weight gain the starting to grow hair in not good places, and being moody, I knew there had to be something up with me. I did tons of research online and finally in 2006 I self-diagnosed myself with PCOS. I went to my gyno (who I’d been seeing since I was 18) with my findings. Her response was “ya, I’ve known since you’ve been coming in that you have PCOS” my internal reaction was like “Helloooooo! Why didn’t you ever tell me?!?!? Instead of letting me think I am a freak of nature!” I am still bitter about it two years later.
After discovering what is wrong with me, I could then move forward in ways to make it more manageable/tolerable.

When I went off the pill I had one more period the next month, but then nothin’ after that. I started to get a prescription of provera every 3 months so I would get my period. I was told to try for 12 months and come back if I hadn’t gotten knocked up yet.
Twelve months later…no baby. My next option was to start fertility treatment. Now, don’t get me wrong, I really wanted a baby, but at 24, I just didn’t think I was “adult” enough to go to those “drastic” measures. I said I’d like to wait a while longer.
In the meantime I had my cholesterol, insulin, and some other things checked. Diabetes is something that people with PCOS are really susceptible to to getting. My insulin was perfect - good news, my cholesterol, however, was HORRIBLE! I was told to immediately change my diet and exercise or go on a cholesterol pill. I chose diet and exercise since I can’t become preggers on the cholesterol meds. After a few months of diet, exercise, and losing 20+ lbs, I was getting my cholesterol under control.

I finally felt like maybe I was ready to maybe do the fertility stuff. Well, finally in October ‘07 my husband (we’ll call him A) and I decided it was time. So I got the referral and made the call for a consultation. My appointment wasn’t until the end of November…bummer I had to wait so long.

At my appointment my doctor made it sound like it would be no problem at all getting me knocked up…well that was almost 10 months ago. Here is a breakdown of my treatment until now:

December ‘07: 100mg Clomid, one follie on cd18, negative test
January ‘08: 100mg Clomid, one follie on cd18, negative test
February - May: Needed a break from the meds and driving to Seattle for the doc appointments (about 60 miles)
June: no luck on my own so started 100 mg Clomid, one follie on cd17, negative test
July: 100mg Clomid, one follie on cd13 (wow, early!), negative test

Here we are at August. I took 100mg of Clomid AGAIN, and have TWO follies on cd12!!. I am currently in my 2ww…*sigh*
So, that is my cycles in a nutshell. I will elaborate more of course, but I think this is a good start.

Intro

I was inspired to start a blog while reading a similar one online. I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS). It is a very frustrating problem. I have a hard time being able to vent, because nobody I know personally has the same problem(s). My thought in creating this blog was to give me an outlet to vent and to help let other PCOS sufferers that they aren’t alone.
Stay tuned as other blogs are added…